You know, it’s almost like they knew the right thing to do the whole time. They just never did it. They kept showing they knew how to be Cadillac, but in practice, they’d do the opposite.

GM: GAZE UPON THE OPULENT GREATNESS THAT IS CADILLAC. LOOK WHAT WE CAN DO.

Potential customers (PCs): YES! That’s the one we want! That’s the Cadillac we know and love!

GM: Oh, you can’t have this one.

PCs: Wait, what?

GM: No, not this one. There’s only one of these. You can’t have one.

PCs: But, I want that one.

GM: Whaaaaaat about a 4-cylinder ATS??

PCs: No.

GM: Whaaaaaaat about this jazzed-up Impala with a Cadillac logo?

PCs: ... Maybe.

GM: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat about a CTS manual wagon?

PCs: N-.... YES!!!

GM: Too late. Nobody bought one. Canceled it. How about a Buick?

PCs: No.

GM: UGH, guess nobody wants cars anymore. Better go to DEFCON 1 and cut a shit-ton of jobs.

PCs: I think I’ll get a Mazda.

- the end -