When I was selling Audis a few years ago when we had a guy trade in his early 2000s Jaguar X-type. To set the scene, imagine if George RR Martin and Newman’s character from Jurassic Park were merged into one untalented human. The customer wore a ragged drivers cap everywhere, and was an avid pipe tobacco smoker.

At the end of the day the sales manager swung by my desk and tossed me a janky Jag key and said “Go check out this X type out back on the trade row...just don’t sit in the seats.”

Naturally I scurried out back to see how bad it was, assuming it was just a shitty old Jag who’s transmission slipped more than a litigious grandma in a recently mopped McDonald’s bathroom.  

Oh. Dear. God. It was so much worse....

The first that hit you was the smell. For someone like me, a human in the 21st century, pipe tobacco is not something I’m used to smelling. I am also most definitely not used to smelling 15 years worth of spent pipe tobacco ash that has been emptied from the driver’s pipe into EVERY. SINGLE. STORAGE. COMPARTMENT. possible, along with the floorboards, map pockets, and general upper dash area.

There were at least a dozen empty tobacco bags scattered around the front seats alone, and the entire back seat was covered with fast food wrappers, spilled sodas (that had devolved back to their thick, sticky, corn syrup origins), and random file folders (this guy was a lawyer, if I recall). A thick film of dust/tobacco tar covered every exposed surface. I opened the passenger side sun visor, and there was a striking color change of the surrounding headliner and the part that had been protected under the fold.

Hands down the nastiest person/POS car I ever touched while in the biz.