I was visiting family and high school friends when, while in Wake Forest, NC, my wife called to tell me she forgot she’d bought a Groupon for some party a TV chef was throwing for their new book and could I please, Please, PLEASE be home for it?

Things for which IDGAF

  1. Celebrity chefs
  2. Books by celebrity chefs
  3. Groupon restaurant deals
  4. Crowds

Things for which I give everything:

1. My wife

I had about 36 hours. I headed straight east because if I’m going to rush home, at the very least I’m doing it through the Dragon’s Tail. (Those roadside photographers do a good job!) It was a beautiful day, I put the top down and had a blast until I reached Johnson City where it frickin rained the remainder of the trip. I got so tired I stopped in Cincinnati.

It’s 1 AM. I’m exhausted. I’m a block from the hotel. My back and butt are sore and I’m half deaf from the drone of the engine, the blare of my stereo and the wind noise, but not so deaf that I couldn’t hear what came next.

A young fellow on the street corner wearing the entire Bengals catalog had imbibed more than a few lagers and felt it his duty to tell me that my car was designed by and for men who prefer the company of men.

“FAG CAR! YOU’RE DRIVING A FAGGOT CAR!” screamed the college bro.

I scored his efforts thusly:

  • Originality: 1/10
  • Delivery: 10/10 #laryngealklaxon

I have no doubt his Fox Body is a thing of beauty. And he should work at Paul Brown Stadium. Even the players will know when the beer man is coming.

BTW, the chef’s party was an unmitigated disaster. The restaurant put out food in one area, cutlery in another and omitted tables entirely. Ever try to cut a steak on a paper plate in your lap while seated in a folding chair? Mercifully, that was the last groupon she ever bought.