Wish my brother was here to verify, because people never believe me.

First, I drove a few times before this. Go-kart racing, rental Neon with my dad in the passenger, minivan with my mom.

But, the first time I drove without adult supervision of some kind, I was 14. My brother, mom, sister, and myself were fresh back to the KC area from living in Chicago and stayed with my grandma in the boonies of Clay County. Well, everyone went out for lunch one summer day, and my brother and I stayed back, because fuck that shit. My mom left the keys to her 1998 Honda Odyssey.

So, we’re bored, as a 14 and 10 year old will be in the summer, home alone. I’m making a sandwich and what do I see glimmering in the sunlight? Those keys! So I tell my brother I’m taking it. We got a couple hours. He tells me its a bad idea. I say he’s a pussy. I win.

We get in. We drive. Nothing incredible, but fuck, I’m driving on public roads without an adult or older teen. For the first time. I had to up the ante, obviously. Because I’m dense.

So, up the block was a school. Behind the school was a long, perfectly straight road. At the end of the road, about 2 miles, there’s a hill. Decent sized hill with one of those instantly dropping crests. I come up with the idea of jumping that fucker. So, I line up at the stop sign. Wait for a car to pass. And hammer that fucking minivan’s throttle as hard as I could. Sidenote: I didn’t tell my brother what I was doing.

I gas it. 60. 70. 80. 90.  And then bang! Train tracks. Totally forgot they were there. No harm no foul. Got back on the gas. 80. 90. 100. 110. We hit the bottom of the hill. I let off the gas because now I’m the pussy. We crested that hill just under 100 mph. About 97, 98 or so. I had never actually been over that hill before. So, as we soar through the air at what felt like a cruising altitude, I’m shitting myself. The nose starts to dip down toward earth. All I see is fucking gravel. The hill stopped being paved right past the crest. So we launched from pavement and came back down on gravel.

I have no clue what our speed was when we hit the gravel on the other side of the hill. But it was fast. The tires contact the gravel and we’re sliding. I’m working the wheel, pumping brakes, feathering throttle. Damn thing skids and slides the whole way. IDK, maybe a few hundred feet or so. The slide was a slightly leftward trajectory toward a ditch. I get it down to about 45 mph and just yanked the fucking ebrake and locked the wheel to the right. Ass slides out. We go completely perpendicular to the road and slide to a stop. The front bumper hangs over the ditch. I look at my brother, “You ok?”


“Good. Not a fucking word to mom, got it?”

I told my mother that for the first time this summer. She was pissed. My daughters thought it was fucking hilarious.

My buddy Rasheed did worse, somehow. He was 15 and our buddy Cody was plastered, asked him to drive his Tiburon to somewhere. The parking lot for the apartment was on a steep, woody hill. Go over the curb, and your shit’s in the forest. Well, this dumbass put the car in drive, instead of reverse, and SLAMMED that throttle. We went straight over that curb and rolled down the fucking hill. This fool, no bullshit, was just looking at ME while we’re careening down the hill to a tree. So I reached over and yanked the fucking wheel to turn us sideways and we got lodged between two trees about halfway down. He then swore the car jumped out of gear. Sure, bro.