Does it count if it was a motorcycle? Because boy howdy did I buy a peach of a motorcycle about 4 years ago. Any by “peach” I of course mean “monumental, grade-A dumpster fire of a vehicle.”

Rewind that tape to 2013. I had a beautiful red Suzuki SV650 motorcycle. I am at my local bike shop watching the Iron Bowl and generally getting massively hammered drunk, like you do when watching the Iron Bowl. Now, I went to Auburn University (War Damn) so I most definitely had a dog in this fight. We win on the last play of the game and upser a #1 Alabama team. It was huge. My buddy (who has been riding bikes for years) yells “gimme your keys!” and I oblige because I figured he was going to do a standing burnout on the SV in the parking lot. Now I do not condone riding motorcycles while intoxicated, but standing burnouts are fair game. Long story short the bike went for a victory lap without the rider and that was that. Luckily my buddy wasn’t hurt (the moron). He paid me my full purchase price for the bike out of guilt (the champion).

So I was looking for a new motorcycle. Now two days after this, I am over at the same buddy’s house kicking it and someone sideswipes my car on the street. Hit and run. This cost me $800, as I felt it wasn’t worth involving insurance for $300 over my deductible. So my motorcycle budget has gotten somewhat smaller.

Then I see it, a 1995 Kawasaki Ninja ZX6R on Craigslist for $1000. It was extreme 90s red and purple. I go to check it out and its a little dusty and its got some scrapes, but it checks out and it runs well. I pay the man and he goes to get the title signed because its in someone else’s name (red flag #1).

I get the bike home and ride it around a little. It goes pretty well. Then I bought a sweet Akrapovic titanium exhaust for it. THEN I changed the oil. I put my pan under it and pulled the drain plug. A lot of oil came out. A whole lot of oil. A whole lot of really thick oil. A whole lot of really thick oil that looked like it had spent a week hanging out in a strip club because it was glitter central. So many metal shavings. In all, someone had filled it with about 7 quarts of 90w gear oil to hide the sounds of a trashed motor.

So I bought a new engine, this one from a 98 ZX6R which I got to hear run. I bought a brand-new oil pump for a 95 ZX6R (this is important). Put it all together and the first time I went to start it the thing shats the water pump impeller out the pump housing. It keeps doing this. Has zero oil pressure.

I move across the country and donate the bike to a friend of mine. He finds out that the 1998 motor has an oil/water pump shaft that is 0.5mm shorter than the 1995 motor, replaces it, and away he goes. Right up to halfway to work on its maiden voyage when it catches fire.

Good riddance you horrendous pile of garbage.