I don’t have the best relationship with my mother (starting this out with that huge understatement) but I gave her a call today in hopes of getting some direction and encouragement with certain areas of my life, like the desert that has been my love life for several years now. I’m not really sure what mental gymnastics my brain conjured to think this was a good idea.

My mother is not a nice person. I’ve known this for years. I love her because I guess I feel like I have to but I don’t like her very much. After I sort of laid all my insecurities about never finding anyone, spending my life alone, and having to settle for unsatisfying casual sex for the rest of my life, she basically left me with this: you’re getting old, either accept being alone or settle for the next “thing” (literally the word she used) to come along. I have to wonder if this is the advice my grandmother gave her and that’s why she herself spent her life alone.

I’m only 33. I don’t feel old, in fact... I feel more amazing now than I ever have. I’m looking my best and finally have managed to stop giving a shit so much about the noise in my head that brings me so low sometimes. I am alone though, and not happy about it. It’s been nearly four years since my last relationship. I haven’t met anyone that I’ve been able to build anything real with. I’ve made bad decisions about men, including having an affair with a married man that got complicated by feelings and still continues to cause disruptions in my life to this day. I’m not a going out type of woman so I’m not really anywhere that I’d meet men, I haven’t had any luck with online dating. My circle of friends is more like a line segment, so I don’t have a lot of “friend of friend” type connections. And quite frankly, most of the men that have been interested in me I’ve just been unable to return the interest.

So, while I’m not necessarily pleased with my mother, I feel like her advice is maybe not so off the mark. I get the “it will just happen” thing a lot from people, but when I look around at the relationships around me.... there doesn’t seem to be a whole lot of “it just happened” success stories. Is that something people just say to make others feel better? Sometimes it feels like it is.