Having worked in the R-A-C industry most of my life, I will recuse myself from participation in the shittiest rental cars encountered ; however, if I might offer some thoughts from the other side of the counter:

Above all else, the golden rule applies. It’s amazing how far a simple “hello, how are you?” will go towards making renting a car a much nicer experience for all involved.

Rental agents do not make policies/set rates/determine what car goes into what category. I know a Chevy Cobalt or a Corolla is not a mid-sized car, but I also cannot count the times when people insisted that an Impala or a Camry was a mid-sized car either (hint: they are full-size cars,always have been).

Trust me when I say that we hate to see a long line as much as you do. We also know that if you are an experienced traveler, you have hear our spiel before, yet we are required to go through it every time you rent. (PRO TIP: sign up for the frequent renter programs i.e Hertz #Club Gold, Avis Preferred, etc. That way if you can’t just go right to your car and drive off, at least your preferences are known SO WE DON’T HAVE TO!)

Please do not EXPECT a free upgrade just because you got one last time. Be happy that you did, and if you actually get the class of car you are paying for this time (when did that become a bad thing??), keep in mind that you might get a free upgrade next time. That said, if a rental agent asks if mind driving a pickup,convertible or-god forbid- a minivan, it’s code for “we are really tight on cars and this is what I can get you into without a wait.”

The fastest way for me to slow way the hell down is for you to be an impatient ass who thinks they know my job better than I do. Also, if you are on your phone, most companies prohibit us from continuing with the rental. If there is a line behind you, and there is another workstation available, don’t be surprised if we walk away and rent to the next person in line. Just because you are being an ass does not mean the whole line has to be punished. Special snowflake you are not. (see frequent programs above)

Nothing pisses us off more than a rental agent who cheats their customers. Not only does it make us all look bad, but we get bitched at enough throughout the day, so your story about the time that you were ripped off does nothing but raise both of our blood pressures. Also, if they work at our location, trust in us that we will get rid of them.

No, you should not need a lawyer to go over a rental contract, but you should familiarize yourself with one sometime. What you are liable for might just be surprising. It’s not like plopping down a credit card and an ID for a hotel room, which is safely fixed permanently in a building. It’s a car. It moves places, thus making it easy to steal (yes, it’s a shock seeing as all rental cars are basically shit, but people tend to steal them quite often).

An amazing feature that cars have, but renters seldom use are areas of the vehicle that the manufacturer has designated for luggage, aka trunks! I have seen more people drag their filthy suitcases through mud, dirt, and snow just to see them chunk them in the back seat of a rental. Dirt and grime collect on these (especially so in cars with black or dark grey interiors) and invariably the next renter who actually uses the back seat for what god intended it for will have some article of clothing ruined. This mainly happens when folks are going to a family event like a wedding or graduation and have to spend the day with a dirty mark on their ass.

Rental car employees are not all bad people, but they are human and sometimes reflect a renter’s shitty attitude in surprising ways. I, for one, was famous for upgrading people booked an economy car a free upgrade to first-generation Kia Sportages since they were basically a riding lawnmower with a body slapped on top. No one books an economy car for a good rental experience, and I was not going to deprive them of that. (Yes, yes, I am going to hell for that, but I would miss my family and friends if I don’t go to hell.) People who frequent the same cities and give us grief all the time are more likely to get the shittier, higher mileage cars. If not the shittiest car, then one that is parked way, way out in the lot.

I want to leave you on a positive note or two, so here are some good tips when booking and renting a car.

1) Make sure you book a car that will satisfy your needs for that rental. By that I mean passenger capacity, relative comfort, etc. If you want (but don’t need) a nicer/fancier/flashier car, 90% of the time it will be cheaper to upgrade at the counter. When you arrive to rent, if what you WANT is not available, you still have a car to meet you NEEDS. Luxury cars, convertibles, vans,and specialty cars also often come with mileage caps (100 free per day/x amount over that) when you reserve one, but if you upgrade, most of the time they will come with unlimited miles.

2) Be realistic with your expectations. You know that you cannot fit 6 passengers and luggage into a mini-van. It simply won’t work. Consider a full size SUV like a Suburban or Expedition XL.

3) If you are travelling with children that require child seats, pay the airline fee to have them checked and bring your own. There are several reasons for this: you know how they work, you know they will be clean, and you know that you will have one once you get to your destination.  

4) The collision damage waiver is not a scam, but check with your insurance company before you rent to see if it is needed. Notice I said “company”, not “agent”. Most people with full coverage have “rental car reimbursement “ or “rental car coverage” on their policy, but this is where a lot of people get caught up. This does not mean that you are protected while renting a car, but rather this coverage will pay for you to have a rental car should you be at fault in an accident in your own vehicle and it is in the shop to be repaired. Be sure to specify that you are renting a car and are checking to make sure that car will be covered up to it’s full value should anything happen to it. I have personally seen someone total an Explorer with 2500 miles on it, only to file a claim and find out that their comp and collision only covers the value of the 5 year old Altima that they are still making payments on. Guess who is then left on the hook for the substantial amount owed to replace the Explorer? You should only need one guess.

Credit Cards offer coverage as well, and you need to be as specific in your questions as with your insurance company. Many have specific exclusions as well, mainly Luxury and high performance cars, and certain vans and SUV.

Also check to see if either pay for diminished value or “loss of use” of the car. If not, even if your insurance will pay for replacement or repairs, you, the renter, will pay the daily market rental rate for every day the car is in the shop.

The CDW or LDW would release you from those financial responsibilities, plus your insurance rates wouldn’t go up.

5) Everyone (even my sometimes dickhead brother) loves to quote the Seinfeld episode about him renting a car: “I booked a reservation, you took the reservation, so you should have my car” . Like everything else in life, shit happens. Companies book reservations based on projected returns: but cars get wrecked, stolen, or the customer simply extends their rental and companies are short on cars. This results in wait times for cars, free upgrades, downgrades (and yes, the rate should be adjusted accordingly), and in dire times, customers will get “walked” to another rental agency that has cars. Remember: we are not out to get you, it’s not fun or pleasant for us in any way. We will get you in SOMETHING as fast as we can.