Insurance story from my previous life as an adjuster.

Older gent on ‘disability’. 2005ish Dodge Ram. High end model with lots of options. One of those options included the grey security key. Not the black ‘steal me right now’ key. So really, without a tow truck, his truck could not be stolen. He didn’t know that.

So the truck it towed to the shop where I’m working and he meets me there on a hot-assed day and starts pointing to every single flaw on the vehicle and every single one of those flaws was a result of the theft.

Tear in the seat cushion? Theft.

Ding in the bumper right above the trailer, I want hitch? Theft.

Rock chip in the windshield? Theft. (wait for it)

Missing 20inch chrome RAM wheels? Of course theft. The best part was, the brakes for the 20in wheels were so big that the 16 in wheels that were currently on the truck couldn’t turn. So not only did the theif steal this truck with security, they magically drove it with wheels too small to turn. (wait for it)

Key scratches that say mean things that were touched up with color-specific touch up paint.... Theft. (You made it!)

I had to refrain from laughing out loud. Some thief pissed off his girl, she cat-clawed the truck and he went to the dealer and got touch up paint. I was really trying to not break out laughing. His stories kept getting better and better. I told him that the damage was not consistent with other thefts I’d seen so I would need to turn this into the inside folks (Special investigations it was called. Read: fraud department) and they would get back with him.

A few months later I got the skinny. He had an old Ram that he had sold just a few days before the theft. SIU managed to track down the online classified ad for the old truck and the name and address of the new buyer and interviewed him. He bought a 1997 Ram that came with... you guessed it, 20 in chrome wheels!! Woohoo! What a deal.

I tell you what, if my car ever gets stolen, I want it stolen by someone conscientious enough to touch up the scratches.