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    Joan SummersPrachi Gupta
    9/26/19 12:57pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this story, Prachi. This is the most incisive and heartfelt reporting I’ve ever read.

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      babyjesustheoneJoan Summers
      9/29/19 12:28am

      i rarely read stories on jezebal, but this was a powerful read. deeply touched by it.

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    AlicePrachi Gupta
    9/26/19 11:26am

    [heart emoji] My brother went missing (presumed dead) approximately 18 months ago. After he went missing, my mom and I found some google searches on suicide and time spent on conspiracy theory sites. I did not reach out to him enough because he so rarely reciprocated and because he put on a brave face to the rest of us. I hope you and your family are able to find some peace.

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      Mack MittensAlice
      9/26/19 12:07pm

      Wow, i cant even imagine how a family deals with that type of tragic uncertainty. You, too, deserve peace.

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    indianbadgerPrachi Gupta
    9/26/19 11:56am

    As a middle aged, first generation, Desi guy; this was eye opening. My condolences to you and your family. I am sorry for your loss. I want to write more, but I will refrain. I am going to reread this again as I have nephews, nieces and sons and daughters of friends that feel this sense of alienation.

    Again, just sorry for your loss. The line about loving someone but not liking them is something I am dealing with now, so thanks for articulating that. 

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    That's MISTER fannypack to youPrachi Gupta
    9/26/19 12:56pm

    Im glad this was posted to deadspin. As an older white male, it may seem like I am unable to relate. However, having recently changed jobs, I struggle currently with depression, questioning my value, my worth...I now become paralyzed at the slightest stressful decision, and I’m not sure that I’ll last.

    The great thing is, this anonymous post is as close to admitting I have a problem. I cant bring myself to going to a doctor, and I will always answer “fine” when I’m asked how it’s going...even if I’ve just been sitting in a washroom stall crying.

    And I also know that being a white male, I've got it so much better than 99% of the population. I wish nobody felt like this

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      IndianaJoanThat's MISTER fannypack to you
      9/26/19 2:08pm

      Please seek help and take care of yourself, no one deserves to feel this way.

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      lifeisarollercoasterThat's MISTER fannypack to you
      9/26/19 2:53pm

      I’m so sorry to hear your pain.  Know that there is a way out - I have been where you are many, many times. I knew exactly how I’d kill myself and actually made sure I always had enough pills on hand to do it if I ever finally decided to go ahead.  I’m very lucky that I could share all of this with my sister who has also suffered terribly with depression.  She talked me through some of the darkest times when I couldn’t even move.  I think I’ve tried every anti-depressant trying to find the right one and/or the right mix.  I finally found the right mix that works for me. It’s not perfect - I still have down days that are darker than other people’s down days - but I’m here.  I know you can’t see this in the darkness you are in but you will be dearly missed by some people in your life if you go.  Please, please go seek help.  Go to a free clinic and just start the conversation.  There are so many wonderful doctors who are empathetic and will help you.  Please update me as to how you are doing.  Know that I am worrying about you - I know, I’m a total stranger but your post hit me in the gut because I can identify with those feelings.  So, if you get to a point where you think no one cares, know that there is some internet stranger who was moved by your post and wants you to make it through.

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    itsnotaboutthepastaPrachi Gupta
    9/26/19 11:52am

    Wow, Prachi. This is heartbreaking but so good - thank you for sharing. My baby brother has luckily not fallen into the MRA/Red Pill (or white supremacist) bullshit, even though he’s an ideal candidate for recruitment (young, underemployed, white, keeps getting cheated on) - but I’m going to make sure I talk with him about how harmful those ideologies are the next time I see him.

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      doyouboobooitsnotaboutthepasta
      9/26/19 12:04pm

      make sure he knows you love him, include him, and respect him. that he’s not the sum of these unfortunate circumstances (particularly underemployment and infidelity). if you look at his situation and start telling him not to become an mra or white supremacist, you’re effectively pushing a perspective into his mind that you associate him and his situation, or worse, his identity, with those ideologies. he’s going to begin to feel like you are afraid of him, or look down on him. i seriously doubt projection of that nervousness will do your brother any good.

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      itsnotaboutthepastadoyoubooboo
      9/26/19 2:17pm

      Oh, of course - I wouldn’t approach it so aggressively! He’s almost 30, so hopefully/probably out of the danger zone (he also actively tries, as I do, to shake off our bigoted, conservative-evangelical-republican upbringing) - I was thinking of our conversation much more along the lines of a check-in about how weird our culture has gotten as a whole, then gauging his reactions to the particularly gnarly stuff.

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    IndianaJoanPrachi Gupta
    9/26/19 2:02pm

    Thank you for writing this. I’m so sorry for your loss. My sister died by suicide last year. I still search for her on the internet, wondering if anything new will ever appear. Facebook memories pop up, and I wonder when they will become so dated that they stop. I obsess over every memory, wondering what I could have done differently, sometimes not even with the thought that I could save her, but that things might have ended better between us. She was addicted to heroine the last few years of her life, and it had made her cruel. It was like she was a different person. I loved her so much, but I was angry with her and her choices, and I feel such intense guilt for it. I dream of her often too. In one, I found a way to go back to her as a child, and I tried to warn her, and in others, I get to her in time. I always manage to save her. It’s waking up that’s the nightmare.

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      North countyIndianaJoan
      9/26/19 2:19pm

      My ex-husband and daughter’s father was an extreme alcoholic, and it was like he was two different people too. He died of melanoma—he had stage one melanoma that was treated successfully when we were married, but it recurred when he was living on the street and was stage four by the time it was found. I had tons of guilt for a very long time about all of it and can totally relate to the feelings you describe. I am very sorry for your loss and I hope you find the peace that comes with fully understanding and accepting that NONE OF IT was your fault, and that you did the best you could. 

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      Jenisaurus: Ms. Rex, if you're nastyIndianaJoan
      9/27/19 11:19am

      I am so so sorry for your loss.  It might be worth looking into al-anon as a way to work through some of the guilt you feel. 

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    DivideByZeroMostelPrachi Gupta
    9/26/19 11:40am

    “He was very inconsistent with his use of SSRIs and so he was constantly going on and off them,” she said.

    Christ, this is tough to read. Those damn things are not to be messed with, especially going cold turkey. I know they work well for a lot of people, but they’re not a panacea for all depression/anxiety issues and CANNOT be taken lightly. Don’t stop taking them on your own. Titrate off them with your doctor’s guidance.

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      CatAssDivideByZeroMostel
      9/26/19 2:15pm

      That made me extra sad, too.  When I couldn’t commit to my SSRIs was one of the hardest and darkest times of my life. 

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      sxp151DivideByZeroMostel
      9/28/19 2:59am

      I used to take an SSRI. Every time I would miss/skip doses, I would become extremely fucked up (much worse than I had been before it was prescribed). It works well enough if you take it regularly, but if not it will completely screw up your mind (and you won’t know because it’s your mind). Scary to even remember it.

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    WhyNoCookiesPrachi Gupta
    9/26/19 11:24am

    Thank you. I think anyone that has a sibling that they worry about in any sense can find a connection here.

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    DevonnaPrachi Gupta
    9/26/19 1:24pm

    Prachi, I am so moved by this essay. Your brother sounds incredible. It’s difficult to read how beguiling the MRA movement can be, especially to Indian men. I can’t imagine the pain of losing your sibling.

    I’m sorry for your loss. You’ve always been a favorite of mine, because of our shared Indian heritage. I love your perspective.

    This was lovely and heartbreaking. What a complex relationship you shared and I’m only sorry he is not still here for you to become close again.

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      ambivalidextrousDevonna
      9/26/19 3:43pm

      Second these comments, in particular. This was painful to read, but more than just sorrowful: useful, too. Prachi has taught me some things about how MRA gets its hooks into young men. On these boards and in the world, we act as if humanizing people who buy into hateful ideologies is the same as letting them off the hook. But I think it’s the only way we can hope to dismantle those ideologies. How could anyone look at the beautiful boy in Prachi’s photos and not think that he was worth saving?

      I think I once left an irritable comment on one of Prachi’s articles - when I thought she’d committed some reporting fail - and now I feel like an asshole. Wish I could spend more time in the place this article has put me: remembering how much more useful it is to extend kindness, understanding and patience to others whenever we can.

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      Fat NeckbeardDevonna
      9/26/19 4:10pm

      Asian american men make up a significant portion of the MRA/incel community. It’s a huge problem, especially because so much of it extends from the cultures we grew up in.

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    SuckMyLeft1...part 2. (It’s a Bikini Kill song btw)Prachi Gupta
    9/26/19 12:29pm

    I’m crying so hard right now I don’t know how to respond. I missed you Prachi. 

    Reply