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    XanderpussWilliam Hughes
    2/20/18 7:38pm

    As a former archaeologist, I hope the guy has the book thrown at him. 

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      Still Deadpan Andre BraugherXanderpuss
      2/20/18 7:47pm

      One of the big ones. Like a dictionary in a language professor’s office.

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      GreyXanderpuss
      2/20/18 7:47pm

      Just make it a cheap book. Don’t go throwing around the original Celtic Psalter or Book of Kells or anything.

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    Perry CarterWilliam Hughes
    2/20/18 7:24pm

    What’s does the Chinese legal system offer as “severe punishment” for this sort of vandalism and/or theft? Honest question.

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      GG Tim AllinPerry Carter
      2/20/18 7:36pm

      The thumb will be jammed up his urethra.

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      XanderpussPerry Carter
      2/20/18 7:39pm

      I hear the Chinese have a particular form of water torture that might be severe enough.

      And no, not waterboarding. That’s us, silly.

      Reply
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    rawjawboneWilliam Hughes
    2/20/18 7:49pm

    This could totally fly as a horror movie plot though. Ugly American vandalizes an ancient terra-cotta soldier. Soldier comes alive. Searches for said ugly american, leaves a trail of bodies (acceptable collateral damage, because all the victims are asshole americans) Drags him all the way to China, buries him alive at that massive burial complex.

    Ends on a shot of the terra cotta soldier with a brand new fleshy thumb.

    THERE. I just rebooted your Dark Universe, Universal picures. I’ll take that check now.

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      Brickstarterrawjawbone
      2/20/18 8:07pm

      That’s mostly already the plot of the Mummy.  The good one I mean.

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      rawjawboneBrickstarter
      2/20/18 8:20pm

      SSHHHH!! They don’t know that. Movie execs have the memory of a fruit fly. We’ll just make a better pitch. Throw in some internet lingo, really make it pop with the kids.

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    EvenBaggierTrousers7William Hughes
    2/20/18 7:43pm

    You left out the part where the statue came alive, went on a hunt for its missing finger and killed the guy who stole it by jamming a spear from anus to mouth.

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      AnarwenEvenBaggierTrousers7
      2/20/18 8:02pm

      It practically writes itself: “The Mummy-2: Karis’s Revenge”, with Tom Cruise as the selfie taker.

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      rawjawboneEvenBaggierTrousers7
      2/20/18 8:15pm

      Dammit, gotta hide my spec script.

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    A Drop of Hell, A Touch of StrangeWilliam Hughes
    2/20/18 7:35pm

    Have his thumb chopped off. And the guy who does it gets to take a selfie. That should wipe some of that ‘I can destroy priceless artifacts that are the heritage of all mankind’ privilege off of him.

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      rawjawboneA Drop of Hell, A Touch of Strange
      2/20/18 7:57pm

      Not precious or historically valuable enough. I live in Richmond, I can snap off a confederate thumb here in a jiffy. No prob.

      You can still take the douchebro’s thumb tho.

      Reply
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      CheboludoA Drop of Hell, A Touch of Strange
      2/20/18 10:16pm

      Don’t those things come back to life like a mummy? I wouldn’t want to have the Curse of the Terracotta Warrior. Be watching over my back all the time.

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    Bird MILFWilliam Hughes
    2/20/18 8:54pm

    *Starts article*

    “Please don’t be an American. Please don’t be an American...”

    *Gets to second paragraph*

    “Goddammit and OF COURSE he’s from Philly!”

    Reply
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      ConstantineBird MILF
      2/20/18 10:56pm

      The only thing that would nail that one to the wall better would be if he was wearing an Eagles jersey either at the time he took it, or the time they tracked him down.

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      Bird MILFConstantine
      2/20/18 11:17pm

      I’m almost certain that he posted the pic to Instagram with the hashtag #igglesrule.

      Reply
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    BrickstarterWilliam Hughes
    2/20/18 8:02pm

    My wife sparked off a similar incident.

    Illustration for article titled
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      NilusBrickstarter
      2/20/18 9:07pm

      That’s a very happy clown

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    Dr Emilio LizardoWilliam Hughes
    2/20/18 8:56pm

    I’m sorry to laugh at this because it is serious, but if you told me it was actually an episode of “The Simpsons,” I would believe you without thinking twice.

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      cferejohnDr Emilio Lizardo
      2/20/18 11:46pm

      We’ve talked them down...to a booting.

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      FrankN.SteinDr Emilio Lizardo
      2/21/18 5:45am
      Your browser does not support HTML5 video tag.Click here to view original GIF
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    AudioWeaselWilliam Hughes
    2/20/18 10:04pm

    I can kinda get behind taking a selfie with a terracotta soldier, but.... what the actual fuck makes someone think it’s a good idea to break a piece off and take it with them? I just, I can’t even, I have no idea what may have been going through this fucking person’s head. I simply have no frame of reference for what may make someone do this

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      trioheadAudioWeasel
      2/21/18 2:25am

      There’s a weird obsession with selfie-shaming in this article as though that is in anyway related to the crime (I mean, I realize it’s only cause ‘selfie-taker’ is a guaranteed click magnet but it’s still lame).

      Reply
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    returning the screwWilliam Hughes
    2/20/18 7:32pm

    I was assuming this was going to be overseas and hoping it wasn’t because of an American.

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      Tobias Lehigh Nagyreturning the screw
      2/20/18 7:41pm

      Even if it was overseas you know it would have been an American. Or maybe an Australian.

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      Mullah OmarTobias Lehigh Nagy
      2/20/18 7:54pm

      I dunno man, have you ever seen how Russians or Italians behave at ancient sites in Egypt?

      Reply