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    Invisible BullyMonique Judge
    1/31/18 11:46pm

    You’re versatility with writing these After Dark articles and covering other news is remarkable, thank you for this.

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    Rewind4ThatBehindMonique Judge
    2/01/18 8:40am

    This was lovely Monique.

    I believe in whatever form, we all crave intimacy but many of us refuse to educate ourselves properly on what kind of intimacy we need by giving ourselves the proper self-reflection we deserve.

    I want emotional & physical intimacy so badly. To be able to bare my soul without fear or judgment and to feel comfortable in my own shoes around someone, without trying to switch up my behavior to how I think the other person would want me to be. Only just recently realized how incredibly hard both are to attain in a dating pool where everyone is playing defense with their emotions, which forced my hand in acknowledging I had a lot of work to do to attain the connection I desire within myself first.

    Maybe the tricky part about intimacy is that it’s like a commodity. Just like a car, a home, a business opportunity...it may look great on the outside but you’ll have to do a full review to see whether the connection you make per person is right for you. We weren’t really taught that as kids, its more like a growing pain. But once you finally have it....that’s the winning lottery ticket right there.

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      karmacantwait
      2/01/18 9:51am

      True! Plus it’s hard to make real connections when you have two people who don’t want the same things. And it doesn’t help when one goes into it with a fake motivation or agenda.

      I barely can get to the emotional intimacy level because I can’t even get them intellectually intimate first. Sometimes I can hardly get the guys to hold an honest conversation. They don’t even want to really talk, it’s all hook ups for them. It’s like they go into game plan mode & throw me a bunch of lines they think I want to hear. Just generic stuff which doesn’t help me get to know them. I don’t want some fake stuff I want to know the real you. And they were always like you can get to know me...later...but they want sex now. They don’t get the sex & give up.

      I’d gotten to a point a long time ago to require friendship first before I’d date someone. Because I figured your future lover is supposed to be your friend. Plus I’ve always noticed people tend to have more respect to treat their friends better. It helps weed out the fake ones who don’t want real relationships. It’s sad they couldn’t even handle being my friend. A few acted like actually being a friend was a waste of their time.

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      Rewind4ThatBehindkarmacantwait
      2/01/18 10:45am

      I’m with you on the friendship aspect, because that’s how it works for me too. But I’m coming to a conclusion that I wish I had understood years before: everybody ain’t for me. We got this game messed up where the idea of being single is all you need to be out here mingling with everybody else, but that’s not true. We all have a position in space & time, and we want to find others who can match it, with hopes that as things progress, we’re moving in the same direction. It’s nowhere close to being as easy as we were told it would be in our youth.

      The men you’re meeting, let’s be real: they want ass because there is no reason to be connected to anyone you don’t see as your equal, let alone human. It isn’t even about you in how they’re treating you, it’s just their belief system of what you’re supposed to do with a woman (spit these words, pretend to care, listen when she speaks, then when she’s comfortable, try to get yours). That takes all the humanity out of the experience because it’s not about you the individual. Which is sad...because that’s why you’re here....as an individual.

      That’s why sticking with the friendship angle is the best approach, while you continue to develop into the person you want to be. The right folks come along when they come along, but until then, we just need to accept everybody isn’t here for us, and that’s ok.

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    StartingOverEasyMonique Judge
    2/01/18 1:16pm

    This is a beautiful post that everyone should read!

    I’ve always craved emotional intimacy, to be seen, known and accepted by someone you care for is the epitome of love to me. However, as a youngin, I didn’t understand that about myself and I sought it dishonestly. Somehow I got it into my head that if I was accommodating enough (oh was I!) and gave my partners everything they needed, they would give me what I needed. That got me relationships with narcissists who loved my fawning attention and my malleable personality. These same people couldn’t handle it when the mask started to crack and the real me shone through. They felt lied to & I felt cheated and we were both right.

    It wasn’t until I wasn’t trying to have a relationship, until I was completely not trying to get someone to like me, that was when I met the man who loves me. It was messy as hell for awhile, but I stopped biting my tongue and trying to preserve an illusion of a relationship to create a real one. He knows me better than anyone. I know him better than anyone. We fit, but it took a lot of work for both of us to get our shit together. I had a history of hiding behind a pleasant mask, he had a history of hiding behind his wallet.

    I don’t recommend our route. I’m good with my history because it brought me here, and here is good. But damn, all of my 20s & some of my 30s were a fucking disaster.

    Honestly, not trying to blame the fam, but a lot of us got fucked up when we were young. In my family, being too open & honest made you vulnerable to attack, not nurture. Do people with healthy families (whatever that means) have an easier time with intimacy?

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    PaulMooneysTongueMonique Judge
    2/01/18 8:32am

    Intimacy is a difficult thing to have and sustain if some basics arent in place.

    Trust and acceptance are two IMO of the most important of the mix. It seems in current culture that narcissistic behaviors have eroded those two. Trust isn’t built just because you say XYZ and expect to be taken on your word.

    Acceptance comes without judgement/critism which we have in spades in this society.

    Not only with men, but women, I’ve noticed a lack of willingness to create intinacy because a fear of losing personal power. Relationships aren’t about one-upmanship but rather an exchange, IMO. If someone has to be the alpha then it’s all for naught.

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      NattyBlackPaulMooneysTongue
      2/01/18 9:35am

      Not only with men, but women, I’ve noticed a lack of willingness to create intinacy because a fear of losing personal power. Relationships aren’t about one-upmanship but rather an exchange, IMO. If someone has to be the alpha then it’s all for naught.

      Seen that alot, I think its hard for a lot of people to be vulnerable enough to give up the false sense of control that the “power” gives them. So they end up in a competitive relationship with the person that should be their partner.

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      islabonitaNattyBlack
      2/01/18 11:27am

      I dont know if that’s really true. Because everyone I know who fell in love (man/woman/myself included) get all mushy and make EXTRA consessions. When you meet your person there’s no competition - you’re trying to find their favorite organic cafe made in Guatemala so they’re happy.

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    karmacantwaitMonique Judge
    1/31/18 10:36pm

    I’m praying for a bricklayer!!!!!

    This surprisingly just made me sad because the last few guys that have approached me weren’t up for the whole intimacy thing. Couldn’t even have a decent conversation because they just wanted sex...on the 1st freakin’ date. Barely got a descent friendship from some, actually they faked being friendly. I’ve had a lot of bad apples fall my way so I never get to experience these levels of intimacy...though I dream about them. You named everything I’m desiring. Kinda breaks my spirit that so many guys don’t want to experience real intimacy. Until then I’ll just keep waiting for the one who does appreciate it.

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      chocolate covered raisons d'êtrekarmacantwait
      2/01/18 3:31am

      It takes a good measure of maturity to get the concept of intimacy. And that’s not necessarily tied to age. More about life experiences and how one processes them. Really being able to empathize and give to another person. Comes easy for some people. Others never develop it.

      The bottom line is always: You be you. Not to get too mushy but keep putting out a good, positive vibe. That’s your best chance of finding the intimacy you want. It can be discouraging but when you find it, you know it was worth it. Wishing you best of luck on the journey.

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    ZellieMonique Judge
    2/05/18 8:24am

    Late to respond, but I’ve been thinking about this post ever since first reading it the other day. As always, wonderful stuff, Monique.

    I’ll be honest... these days I’m looking for sexual connection outside my most rewarding and closest relationship, merely because the person in question has a lot of issues with sex, which I don’t share. It sucks, especially when you’ve got literally everything else — and we do! physical, intellectual, emotional, experiential... And I certainly wouldn’t trade any or all of those for sex, y’know? But it does suck to still want someone who has so much shit to work through on that level.

    Thank goodness for hookup apps (when they actually work, that is, which is rarely, but that’s a whole other issue), is what I’m saying. But I do remember the days when we had all 5/5 here, and I miss them.

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    cuterthananinteruteran4Monique Judge
    1/31/18 11:41pm

    “giving each other good brain”

    i love this!

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    Tired Old FeministMonique Judge
    1/31/18 10:43pm

    I love this! Thank you! I’m going to ask my teenage son to read it.

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