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    lookitaburnerMonique Judge
    12/05/17 11:46pm

    This hits hard tonight.

    The husband fucked up last night. Unambiguously, and completely. He knew that what he was doing was wrong - because we’d talked about it before - he knew it would hurt me, he knew he would let me down, and he did it anyway.

    Now even though he fucked up bad, this wouldn’t normally be a marriage-ending event but tonight I am questioning. Not because of what he did, but because of the lack of emotional intelligence and maturity he’s shown in the aftermath. Over 24 hours later he has yet to acknowledge that he messed up or that he hurt me, or that he left me holding the bag. He has spent the whole day avoiding me, has said less than 10 words to me total, and is now hiding in the bedroom.

    If this is going to be resolved, I’m going to have to be the one to fix it because he has never once, on the course of our relationship taken the first step when things went wrong. When he fucked up similarly a few months ago I waited to see how long it would take him to say something, ANYTHING. I made if 5 tense, miserable days before I broke. Even though he’s the one who hurt me, I’m going to have to be the one to pick myself up, tend my wounds, find my reasonable voice, be sure I don’t cry (because he can’t handle tears), and then listen as he talks about how bad he feels and what a piece of garbage he is.

    I am tired ya’ll. It’s been a hard year and I feel like I’m barely coping with what’s going on in the world, and raising my child, trying to take care of the shit I’m legitimately responsible for, and trying to work on my own legion of flaws. The thought of doing his emotional dirty laundry, again, and putting my own feelings aside, again, on top of all of that just exhausts me. And while I, probably, will take some deep breaths and script out what I’m going to say and try to move us past this (tomorrow, it’s now too late to start this shit tonight). I don’t know how many more of these bridges I have left in me before raising the kiddo on my own starts to look like less work.

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      Pinoco82lookitaburner
      12/06/17 1:00am

      I find myself in a similar situation. It is so maddening and exhausting. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. We deserve better. 

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      MajorBurnlookitaburner
      12/06/17 1:28am

      Just go for a bit. Don’t do his emotional laundry because you can’t. Only he can do it.

      Take thr kid or send kiddo to your Mom’s or His’ and have 2 days at whatever hotel you can afford. If it’s better for all of you; you have an answer.

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    BB&J: The poster currently known as BB&JMonique Judge
    12/05/17 11:44pm

    Fantastic article. I’ve learned that being an empath can work against you in a relationship with an abused person. They tend to take your listening as silence and ignoring the situation, rather than being a reflective being and trying to come up with the “right amount” of emotional response and tone. And if you go all the way with them, you might as well put your hands up in self defense.

    Now, to be fair, in my case, I wasn’t exactly mature, but I started to really blossom and grow once I really got into the meat and potatoes of dealing with other people’s children as a profession. That helped me develop the coping skills to mediate any arguments and to be a much more effective communicator. It didn’t fully work in my last relationship, but it’s working now. Mainly because I’m working in the same profession as my significant other and we are both empaths (we literally have to be in education, for all parties involved).

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      Petey Wheatstraw The Devil Son in lawBB&J: The poster currently known as BB&J
      12/06/17 12:00am

      THIS ALL DAY!

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      Petey Wheatstraw The Devil Son in lawBB&J: The poster currently known as BB&J
      12/06/17 12:01am

      HIS ALL FUCKING DAY, you summed up, what I went through

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    det-devil-ailsMonique Judge
    12/05/17 11:19pm

    Excellent article, Monique.

    I would also add two points for anyone who wants to maintain a lasting relationship:

    1.) dredging up past things that have pissed you off is not any way to have a productive argument. If you and your partner are arguing about money, don’t trot out “that time you got snot-slinging drunk at my parents’ house at Thanksgiving.” It serves no positive purpose. (Emotional intelligence)

    2.) Know when to stop talking. (Emotional maturity.)

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      Ugh.det-devil-ails
      12/06/17 8:18am

      “1.) dredging up past things that have pissed you off is not any way to have a productive argument.”

      Yep, this.

      Ill piggyback to say that this idea works well in regards to separating, particularly co-parenting after divorce.

      My ex and I are still great friends, but there’s baggage from our formet marriage that went unresolved. We didn’t resolve it because it didn’t HAVE to be resolved. Only reason to revisit it would be to fight, for no purpose, and with no result other than straining a great friendship/co-parenting relationship.

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      det-devil-ailsUgh.
      12/06/17 11:28am

      Goes for siblings, too. “Remember when we were kids and you...”

      Don’t do that.

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    Petey Wheatstraw The Devil Son in lawMonique Judge
    12/05/17 10:32pm

    Great article Monique, this hits home at the moment as me and my ex recently broke up (like 3 days ago) because of her lacking emotional maturity even veering off into physical violence (I never put my hands on her!). One thing I’ve noticed is that me being emotional mature came from the fact of my upbringing of the struggles I’ve endured and the fact I had to grow up fast for my mama around 16. Her lacking it, I assume, came from the fact that she was an only child who literally got anything she wanted. If things didn’t go her way it was blown completely out of proportion and would blame the cause on someone (mostly me) who had nothing to do with it. An example would be her car breaking down the day I had brought my new car the same day, somehow, she thought I plotted this out. Despite all of that she is a good person but I cannot be with someone who can’t even look themselves in the mirror and acknowledge their shortcoming.

    Taking me and her out of the equation, I believe people who lack these traits have a hard time or never had the time to really look within themselves introspectively. I’m not perfect and far from it but I’m willing to meet you in the middle of the road without raise voices or us thinking it some sort of battle of wits. A lot of people have a hard time putting their pride to the side and GENUINELY listening to someone. Regardless of age, in the end, a little respect and self-reflection can save a lot of people a lot of hurts.

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      Natalie KPetey Wheatstraw The Devil Son in law
      12/06/17 3:19am

      I totally felt every word you said. Sometimes it is hard being the mature one in the relationship. My intentions are usually good, simply wanting to express my thoughts and feelings without it escalating but it always turns into a Game of Thrones situation. It’s nice to have someone who can effectively communicate. What I learned along the way is I much rather be respected than loved any day. That goes for any type of relationship whether it’s romantic or a friendship. Once you maintain the respect for another person you then deal with them on a whole other level.

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      SheeshTheseNamesNatalie K
      12/06/17 11:10am

      It really, really sucks to have to always be the mature one in a relationship. I don’t get to freak out or be an asshole or drop the ball—ever. No one will take care of me if the shit hits the fan for me. No one will get shit done. Just me. My current relationship is the best one I’ve ever been in, as it is the only non-abusive one I’ve ever been it, but it sure ain’t perfect. I have no experience with men being particularly emotionally intelligent, mature, or sensitive. I hear that they exist and happen and that other women (not that many, really) have had them, but I never have. At this point in my life, I don’t think it’s in the cards, so I have to decide what my limits are and go with that.

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    Cali4lifeMonique Judge
    12/06/17 12:02am

    Yes. On point, of course.

    Those are so important and both are also key components of mental health. Mental health can negatively impact both and cause confusion from both parties due to the roller-coaster effect some mental health issues cause. Without knowing those causes/effects, one can be mentally and emotionally mature and yet STILL cause issues because the core issue - one’s own mental health, has/is being neglected.

    Took a loooooooong time for me to learn that and resulted in a year’s long apology tour.

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      Rooo sez BISH PLZCali4life
      12/06/17 9:28am

      When you went on the tour - like Jack Nicholson in Something’s Gotta Give, sounds like - did you check with person #2 each time to see whether or not (s)he wanted to (and had time to) hear what you had to say ...?

      Or did you bang on the door and barge on into her life each time because this was about YOU and to h*ll with the feelings of the person whom you wanted to listen to you and the emotional space she might or might not be in at the time ... ?

      It’s been my experience that “Is this a good time for you” just tends to be a question men don’t ask. Not at home, not at work, just ... doesn’t seem to occur to them that the other person might have a timeline and schedule of her own ... or even might not be in an emotional space to hear anything dude had to say (I know, such a concept *gasp*).

      Interestingly, they always remember to ask the boss, if he’s a fellow dude. But if the boss is a woman, they still do the “barge on in” thing.

      - makes you go hmm

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    MajorBurnMonique Judge
    12/06/17 1:00am

    Yes and no. My husband and I are coming up on 12 yrs of marriage and 7 yrs of dating so 19 yrs? Sometimes you need to find that fellow immature asshole.

    It’s not that either of us abstain from being utter shits, it’s that we’re willing to hear about it and work on it. Grudgingly.

    Anyhow, you said bits of lots of it (I thought) people are not always perfect or mature. Sometimes you get them 3 days later when you or they are not mad and are like wtf?!?! And you both kinda suck together. You gotta have a core of love or shared misanthropy though.

     

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      Prostate of Dorian GrayMajorBurn
      12/06/17 6:32am

      As long as you’re communicating, you can be as immature as you want together.

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    MimiRosieMonique Judge
    12/06/17 9:03am

    I consider myself to be emotionally mature. And being that I am a strong empath, I’ve been emotionally intelligent a lot longer than the ‘maturity’. When I was a kid, I saw how the adults would dig themselves into deeper holes because of their lack of maturity and intelligence, so I promise myself that I wouldn’t be the same way. Apparently, I’ve been keeping my promise, because I’ve been told by two would-be paramours (I was courting one & was in a very-very-very short-term relationship w/ the other) that I was “boring”. After being told by the second guy that I was boring, I did take it to heart for a time. Then I asked him (later on) what did he mean by it. He told me that I wasn’t “passionate”. Passionate, being that I didn’t shout/scream at him, throw items at him, ‘played games’ when I was angry and I wasn’t into ‘makeup, I-hate-you-I-love-you’ sex (well... Duh! I’m not going to have sex w/ a guy if I am pissed off). Then, I found out from his mother that his previous girlfriends were ratchets with ‘problems with their anger and hands’. So, then, it made sense to me. I dumped him. There was no point in continuing to date him.

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      missceeMimiRosie
      12/06/17 2:07pm

      “I dumped him. There was no point in continuing to date him. “ THIS...it could all be so simple.

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    Rewind4ThatBehindMonique Judge
    12/06/17 10:02am

    Emotional maturity and emotional intelligence are the reasons why I noticed one day I was becoming a monster to the only woman I ever loved, because she lacked those qualities for me when I was at my most vulnerable, and I resented her for it, without knowing it. I had to leave. I think it was the best decision for both of us.

    Since then I’ve realized, those two qualities are abstract at best for so many people, and completely foreign to others. Regardless, knowing what those two qualities mean, especially for men, is the significant difference between life and death. Our words, actions, and beliefs can literally destroy someone, let alone take away their lives. This is why it is important to understand our emotions and face the gravity attached to them.

    It’s not meant to be easy. It’s meant to be right.

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    missceeMonique Judge
    12/06/17 1:40pm

    This resonated on a soul level with me. I have an on again off again partner for the last 4 years and I know that’s not the best situation to be in. HOWEVER, the amount of emotional maturity and emotional intelligence that we’ve been able to bring out of each other is far greater than any LTR I’ve EVER been in. Things we used to argue about and stop speaking over we discuss and move forward in a matter of minutes. If we don’t get the “happy ending” with each other I’ll still be forever grateful for the lessons he’s taught.

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    Rooo sez BISH PLZMonique Judge
    12/06/17 9:21am

     This needs to be on the “TheRootDuringTheDay” pages too

     

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