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    TheRealMarthaJones3.0Michael Harriot
    9/04/17 10:55am

    As an assistant boss, I feel like I need to speak in defense of the assistant bosses.

    So this is what happens.

    I ask you to turn in A, B, and C by the 10th. I remind you nicely on the 8th that A B and C is due on the 10th. And I need it on the 10th to check it over so I can submit it to the third party on the 11th for billing and revenue. You decide to give it to me at the last possible second, so I don’t get to check it and you’ve made hella mistakes, just submit it, and the money is fucked up.

    So on Friday at 4:55, Big boss comes at me like, why is the money fucked up? I explain, and then I get to sit through a 45 minute yell/lecture about why the money is not allowed to be fucked up. I’m like girl you should say something to staff. To which BB replies, I’m a boss. You a worker bitch. I make money moves. And I’m like ok.

    And that is why I’m like mean all the time. ijs

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      hocuspocusoctopusTheRealMarthaJones3.0
      9/04/17 11:29am

      Your comment is everything to me. I used to work as one and I don’t think a week went by where I wasn’t either vaguely threatening someone or bothering them every five minutes for shit they should have given me. Because I learned early that the boss doesn’t give a crap if no one gave you stuff on time: “Remind them who you are and who you work for.”

      Bitch! These people know who I am. That’s not the point. And I refuse to repeat my job title to people I see everyday. That doesn’t make sense.

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      ThirdAmendmentManTheRealMarthaJones3.0
      9/04/17 12:01pm

      Counterpoint: Nah.

      Reply
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    RedgalMichael Harriot
    9/04/17 10:46am

    what about the coworker who thinks garlic is spicy

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      Not Enough Day DrinkingRedgal
      9/04/17 10:58am

      Yup. Can’t even go to a Mexican restaurant because Susan’s (not her real name) stomach get upset if it touches anything spicier than a boiled potato. Or she’ll go, but not eat anything and give us all the stink eye the entire time for having margaritas.

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      hocuspocusoctopusRedgal
      9/04/17 11:15am

      What. The. Fuck.

      Is black pepper too much also? I can’t deal with people who prefer bland ass food.

      Reply
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    TheRealMarthaJones3.0Michael Harriot
    9/04/17 11:15am

    Patricia is going to pull you aside every day this December to ask you if it’s Kwanzaa yet. Then, at the company Christmas party, she is going to walk up to you and whisper, “Hey, I know your people don’t traditionally drink eggnog, so I bought you a bottle of Hennessy. Or, as they call it on your side of town—Henn Dog!”

    I used to work at this place. It was eight of us (all of us were black) and the overseer of our team was this white lady, and she goes “ As a special treat we’re going to have fried chicken at the meeting!” Everyone just looked at her. After she left I was like, will not eat that chicken as a protest.

    The day of the meeting I’m late getting there, I got chipotle on the way. I’m looking around an everyone has chicken on their plate but no one is eating it.

    I sit down next to a co worker. “What’s going on?” She pushed her plate towards me, and that chicken was more pink than my pussy.

    In that single moment I became the hotep-iest of hoteps. “Cause if given the opportunity the whites will always try to murder you, in fear of black freedom and liberation” LOL

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      hocuspocusoctopusTheRealMarthaJones3.0
      9/04/17 11:33am

      Did she make the chicken herself? Why was it so pink?

      Also, what dummy chooses fried chicken for business meeting food? The greasiest you should get is pizza. Otherwise, sandwiches and salads, fool.

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      TheRealMarthaJones3.0hocuspocusoctopus
      9/04/17 11:37am

      It was pink cause she was trying to poison us all hokes! duh! lol. I dunno she said she ordered it from a restaurant. But it was completely uncooked.  

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    Elon's MuskMichael Harriot
    9/04/17 11:26am

    11. The Eater
    The slow chewing woman that has just moved into the cube behind me.

    9:00 Bagel so toasted that it sounds like she is eating a giant crouton.
    11:00 A hearts of romaine salad that is the size of a mixing bowl.
    12:00 Warms up last nights smelly left overs
    1:00 Walk
    2:00 Finishes off the rest of giant salad
    3:00 Bag of microwave popcorn
    4:00 Goes home.

    I literately have 3 hours of the work day when I can’t hear her digging into something or getting every last decibel of crunch out of something. She is also #9, #7, #4, #2.

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      Vulcan Has No MoonElon's Musk
      9/04/17 12:00pm

      She is the sister of refuses to turn off “stupid computer sound effects”. Nobody over the age of 10 should want a computer that makes those dumbass “theme” noises every time they click on something or hit ‘enter’.

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      Elon's MuskVulcan Has No Moon
      9/04/17 12:14pm

      Yes! And when you ask them to turn them off they don’t know how to turn down the volume.

      Reply
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    PaulMooneysTongueMichael Harriot
    9/04/17 11:34am

    Want to add to that #1a subsection. The “cool/ultra bougie/Uncle Tom (Tina) other black person”. Being that they are the only black person in the department,etc they have been getting all the attention and petting from their white coworkers because they are so not like what MSM/family/friends have told them that black folks are suppose to be.

    Then you come on the scene and suddenly their status is threatened by your very presence. You are a challenge to their authority on all things black (and not black), you might risk sabotaging their value/status with your blackness, you might cause them to have to acknowledge their blackness (because you code switch and they abhor it.), embarrass them because you did something “hood/ghetto/Negroish”. They aren’t interested in being an ally.

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      MisterPigginsPaulMooneysTongue
      9/04/17 10:46pm

      Who are some examples? Ben Carson?

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      PaulMooneysTongueMisterPiggins
      9/04/17 10:54pm

      Yes! I was going to use him as an example but thought I was too wordy when I published.

      But yes. Imagine that Ben Carson and Clarence Thomas are meeting with Trump and Steve Harvey enters the meeting. That’s the scenario I’m describing. Carson and Thomas dread Harvey cause he’s not the “credit to the race” in their eyes.

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    BrothasKeeperMichael Harriot
    9/04/17 7:30pm

    The Absentee.

    He/She is at work 1-3 times a week, but never a full week, and as far as you can tell, they don’t look sick. Still, you have to pick up their slack. Somehow, you get terminated before they do.

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      PaulMooneysTongue
      9/04/17 11:03pm

      <throws hands up in the air> LAWDDDDDDD HAVE MERCY. You hit it on the head rightch hurr.

      I have a coworker who is this to a T!! Started right after the Trump election. Swear for God. They were getting all sorts of aliments. And is able to use the FMLA to block the company from being able to fire their ass.

      And on top of that, they are so about their illness. Every chance they get, they tell it, how it’s holding them back, holding them down, how the company is persecuting  them. But I swear to Moses and on his Ten Commandments, my black arse would have been fired after the 6th six day. FMLA? Let the EEOC work that shit out. #toopissed

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    ThirdAmendmentManMichael Harriot
    9/04/17 12:05pm

    I think the #1 person I hate at work is the person who takes as much credit for every positive thing a group or team does even if they had almost nothing to do with it but turns into goddamn Houdini when things don’t go very well. Biggest bitch-ass move.

    Of course those people are almost always snitches and suck ups, too.

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      ThoseAreDigimonThirdAmendmentMan
      9/04/17 2:03pm

      person who takes as much credit for every positive thing a group or team does even if they had almost nothing to do with it but turns into goddamn Houdini when things don’t go very well.

      This person works in the cubicle next to me and once claimed to being doing my entire job.

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    Creflow DollarsMichael Harriot
    9/04/17 12:24pm

    Thank you for remindming me how glorious it is to have a job where Im alone in a truck 95% of the day, fuck coworkers lol

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      Prostate of Dorian GrayCreflow Dollars
      9/04/17 7:43pm

      I finally only have to deal with my boss and the occasional grad student or hourly employee (I get to hire my own hourly when we need them). It’s pretty nice. The rest of the people that cross our path don’t have actual power over me so I get to be nice and laid back.

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    IMadeANewBurnerToStarThisPoopJokeMichael Harriot
    9/04/17 10:28am

    Clarence Thomas is a sexual harasser, Bill Cosby is a serial rapist, and several guys at Fox News or recent of Fox News are sexual harassers. I can’t remember what Martin did.

    But don’t gloss over what the others did and do as simply “shitty to work with.” It’s illegal and/or monstrous.

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      verna harrisonIMadeANewBurnerToStarThisPoopJoke
      9/04/17 6:41pm

      I believe that the one who played Gina accused/sued him for sexual harassment.

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      IMadeANewBurnerToStarThisPoopJokeverna harrison
      9/05/17 4:38am

      Yeah, I checked it out and it seems maybe a little less cut-and-dried monstrous as the others. No pubic hairs on Cokes, no straight-up admissions of drugging and raping, no serial sex-crime factory.

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    Not Enough Day DrinkingMichael Harriot
    9/04/17 10:49am

    I’m dreading going in to work tomorrow. We’ve been off for a week and a half, and the people who are annoying on regular days will be extra annoying tomorrow because they’ll all want to share hurricane stories. Never mind the ton of deadlines to catch up on.

    Also you forgot one type: The guy who’s lazy as fuck, but kisses the bosses ass constantly so he doesn’t get fired.

    Reply