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NobodysHomeAnymoreBassey Ikpi
7/21/17 11:07am
Beautiful essay, Bassey. I am genuinely glad you’re doing better and I know what that darkness feels like.
In light of recent events, I’d like to ask a question of anyone reading this who feels comfortable sharing: When you’ve been suicidal in the past, have you ever called a suicide hotline? Why or why not? And if you did, how was your experience? Did it help ease the urge to hurt yourself?
I know that the media practically requires these “Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline” messages at the end of sensitive posts with the hope of preventing suicide contagion; as someone who has struggled with depression for over half my life, however, I have never called one. I’m genuinely interested in knowing if these resources are actually helpful to people or if it’s a Band-Aid so media can claim due diligence (This is not a slight against Bassey, The Root, or anyone else who uses these warnings — I’m only interested in hearing from other mentally ill people for additional perspective, not attacks.)
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  Beckaroo BanzaiNobodysHomeAnymore
  7/21/17 11:58am
  I have. A little over 6 months ago I had a nervous breakdown, and while I was at work, I began making plans to kill myself when I got home. I ended up staying at the office long after everyone had left because I knew I’d at least be safe there, and I called a mental health hotline that provided services to my place of employment. I told them I was suicidal and they immediately connected me with a counselor trained to deal with that issue. It really did help. The guy was able to talk me down and convince me not to harm myself for the time being. I was then able to get into a partial hospitalization program for a few weeks (you go to the hospital/therapy all day but you get to sleep at your house). I think it was really helpful, and I’m glad I did it. I was able to get out of a toxic work environment that was destroying me and my self-worth, and now I am in the process of trying to rebuild my life.
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  Peter M. SmithNobodysHomeAnymore
  7/21/17 12:15pm
  I did not call. In a moment of clarity, I realized that my death would cause nothing but heartache and grief for my family, would be a horrible burden on the psyche of the crews who would have needed to clean up the sidewalk, but the woman who was the cause of my problems probably would not have cared one bit. I didn’t think I needed to get any more help. That was...sixteen years or so ago.
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kaizenBassey Ikpi
7/21/17 10:58am
Thank you so much for sharing what was an impossibly hard and honest look into a very private hell.
Because for the first time, I realized someone else felt like this besides me. We don’t talk about it because talking about it creates chinks in the armor that allows you to get through the day. And the belief that no one really wants to hear about it anyway.
Can I ask how you found a therapist? How did you know they could help? Because of my trust issues and paranoia that add to my depression and self image issues, my biggest fear is that they are all just seeing you as a means to an end (money) and that they’ll tell you what you need to hear to keep that income stream going.
It’s one of the reasons I have hesitated to look for help. That and the feeling that I’m not worthy of it to begin with.
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  lunanoire360kaizen
  7/21/17 5:10pm
  It can take several tries to find the right fit.
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  CadwallertheThirdkaizen
  7/21/17 9:51pm
  Try out a few therapists/counselors and see which one fits for you. Chat with them for a half an hour giving them a slight idea of what your head is doing to you. Look for recommendations. Take this step. Do it. It will help.
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Desperate for a Shag GilesBassey Ikpi
7/21/17 11:25am
Had a conversation with a co-worker after the news of Bennington’s death. She kept saying was his life really that bad, couldn’t he just deal with it. I have trouble understanding it but I never claim to know what’s going on in someone else’s head. It’s just shocking how some people characterize depression, suicide and suicidal ideations and the like.
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  Beckaroo BanzaiDesperate for a Shag Giles
  7/21/17 12:29pm
  It’s really hard talking to people who’ve never experienced it and are judgmental about it. You’re right that you should never presume to know what people are going through and what pain they are experiencing.
  A few years ago, I had a coworker whose roommate tried to commit suicide, and she had to take her to the hospital. Upon learning of this, another coworker said [regarding the young woman who attempted suicide] “How can she do that? That’s so selfish!” As a person who suffers from mental illness and has been suicidal, I tried my best to explain to him that, for people who are suicidal, it literally feels like the only way to stop the pain.
  Thank you for trying to understand, and not judging people who are going through this.
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ChiliVerdeDavisBassey Ikpi
7/21/17 10:46am
Thank you for sharing. I know this weight.
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RuthlessNateBassey Ikpi
7/21/17 10:51am
Thank you for this. My wife suffers from depression and I, as a sometimes overly-rational person, often have trouble understanding and sympathizing. It’s good to be reminded of just how difficult dealing with it can be, especially from an insider’s perspective.
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cakes_and-piesBassey Ikpi
7/21/17 12:57pm
I guess I could go on and on about depression, but I’d rather defer anyone who doesn’t understand to read Allie Bosh’s book and read her website.
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Thotline Bling: black girl supremacyBassey Ikpi
7/21/17 12:28pm
What I couldn’t figure out was where. I didn’t want any of my family members to find me. I was concerned about how stumbling across a lifeless body somewhere would scar the police or the hikers or whoever happened upon me. That was the only thing holding me back. I wanted to be undiscoverable. I needed to disappear, and I couldn’t figure out how.
I actually talked through all these scenarios with my counselor once. I couldn’t do it at home because family/roommate. Garage jump could traumatize passersby. So would discovering me in a lake or highway overpass... I just couldn’t come up w/a fail proof plan that wouldn’t drag someone else into my messy ending.
I’m grateful we’re both no longer on that precipice of pain.
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MonteRioBassey Ikpi
7/21/17 11:09am
I feel a lot of this, as the kids say. Thanks for sharing it. PTSD is similar in the sense that I’m always questioning whether I’m reading people right and questioning whether my reactions to things are healthy or not. I can piss someone off in a kinja comment while thinking I’m being super chill, and on the other hand think I’m totally out of control in a meeting and then have my boss compliment me after on how calm and incisive I was.
I also tend to keep away from people from the reasons you cite. The daily interactions that everyone else does without thinking exhaust me.
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Beckaroo BanzaiBassey Ikpi
7/21/17 12:18pm
Bassey, thank you for sharing your story. Mental illness in general is hard to talk about because of the stigma, but suicidal thoughts/attempts feel almost impossible to talk about, especially with neurotypical people/people who’ve never experienced suicidal ideation. My husband is as understanding as he can be about my depression & PTSD, but he has a REALLY hard time comprehending why I’m suicidal sometimes. Going to therapy & group therapy has really helped me because I can actually talk about what I’m going through without being judged. And articles like this are also incredibly helpful - it’s invaluable to know that there are other people experiencing the same things. Feeling isolated only makes those dreaded thoughts & emotions worse.
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StartingOverAgainBassey Ikpi
7/21/17 4:51pm
Never been that bad myself, but my FIL took his own life a few years ago.
It’s tough. He was a cop. He wasn’t openly racist in the burn crosses wave the Confederate flag and whatnot kind of way but he definitely had some bigotry in him and almost certainly would have been pretty MAGA gung-ho.
The thought of seeing a counselor was anathema to him. He was also a bit of a conspiracy theorist, though in retrospect you sort of realize that it was probably a part of what was wrong with him.
His mind just put itself in an impossible situation, where he could only receive help if it was on highly specific “I’m the father and I deserve unconditional respect” types of terms that alienated him from all of his kids except my wife and even then he rarely accepted it. Of course, his kids felt terrible about this after the fact, but when I heard their stories about trying to re-establish relationships with him and his responses, I found myself having a lot of sympathy for them as compared to him.
He wound up in a tough, but still solvable, situation with caring for his wife who’d had a stroke (step mom to my wife), both legally and financially. He couldn’t accept help, he fought with her other kids about their mom’s money (who were and still are shitty, shitty human beings), and ultimately he hit a breaking point with it all that he didn’t have the strength to pull himself back from and he took his own life.
I’m not sure what the point is other than to note the whole self-reinforcing, downward spiral nature of suicidal thinking and how it pushes you away from people who would gladly trade their life for yours if it would help.
Re-listing from the article:
Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline if you or anyone you know is at risk: 1-800-273-8255. Suicide warning signs are listed here.
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