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    Tb2125Yesha
    5/13/17 10:20am

    “While his actions and his treatment of me are reprehensible, I was complicit as well. I allowed him to steal my power. I believed in love and I believed him. I thought my love was enough to change him. I am constantly meeting black women who have lived or are living what I experienced. And they stayed longer than they should have, or have made the decision to stay.”

    I stayed 12 years, escaped a few months ago. I’m not certain I’ll ever trust men again but I’m trying to be kind to myself, because we should also practice this daily, especially when you are coming from an abusive relationship.

    I wish you happiness and joy and kindness in your life. You deserve it. Even after years of abuse in my own life, your story made me gasp.

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      burned3timesTb2125
      5/13/17 10:44am

      You’ll trust men again, but you’ll be hesitant. And I think that hesitation will make you more critical, because now you know the signs. And I am sorry for your trauma, but I think now that you know what bad is, it makes you able to actually appreciate normal. Just a word of warning (one i give myself from time to time), make sure the bar is set higher than you think you deserve. My first foray out of that dark place, I gave partners that were slightly better than abusive exes a lot more credit than they deserved because my barometer was off after years of abuse. And also another tidbit(still speaking to myself), my self esteem was so low at one point that when a partner gave me compliments, I felt uneasy because I didn’t believe in myself like that and thought they were crazy for seeing amazing things in me.

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      Tb2125burned3times
      5/13/17 10:52am

      I’m practicing a lot of self-care right now. The brainwashing is real and so harmful. I’m 45 so I’m not certain I care to be in a relationship again. I def find myself flinching and then lashing out at any man that comes into my general vicinity. I find myself expecting them to fail, so I give them no time. It will take a lot to get back to who I was before the ex, when I look back I realize that woman was amazing. I’d like to find her again, laugh, feel like I deserve good things instead of wondering when will things go bad, be optimistic about ALL things and look in the mirror and not hear his voice picking me apart. Maybe when I’m 60 I’ll think about dating but right now I’m happy with allowing myself time to quiet the voices in my head and learning not to jump at shadows. It’s a process but I’m ready :) thank you for your kind words.

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    TheCatBite3000Yesha
    5/13/17 12:52pm

    I don’t think your situation is unusual, which is very sad, & most of this cant be fixed until black people are willing to have some conversations aimed at truly solving how racism, misogyny & violence (historical & present day) intersect to inflict emotional & physical violence upon black women. It’s so much to tackle, & some of it wont be fixed any time soon, bc so many black families think one kind of violence is okay (spanking the kids), but then don’t know how to navigate when grown black men want to swing at black women. I think back on times when black people have told me I wasn’t “raised black”, bc my parents didn’t hit us. Fact is, they didn’t have to, bc they had the demeanor & verbal capacity to make a child, or adult, understand that like Wu Tang- they weren’t nothing to fuck wit’. Period. Since I knew from a tiny girl, that nobody should be hitting me, as a grown woman there’s nothing to negotiate on that front. When you’re raised to believe you deserve only the best, you demand it. When you’re not raised that way, it may take a long time for the realization to hit that “hey, I deserve better than this bullshit”.

    There’s also the matter of other kinds of history impacting the present. We’re already a small numbered population, existing (& possessed by) the ghosts of slavery. Black women need to stop entertaining black men who drag their tacky feet up to you, & demand your phone number with their lip turned up. Some people’s true personalities are so reprehensible, they can’t even hide it long enough to pretend to be decent. He’s not going to change for YOU. What would he be changing into? What you see is all he knows, & he hasn’t even shown you his “real ass”, yet. That chip on his shoulder (racism, mommy/daddy issues, whatever) isn’t getting better bc you’re opting in to be his emotional or physical punching bag.

    We both experience racism, but too many black men have opted fully in to sexism. It seems that a lot of us don’t want to have this conversation, but if a man is supposed to be by your side, he can’t also have his foot on your neck. Our hurts are not less in this society bc we are women, & too many of them believe we should be willing to put up with anything to have a man. That belief is tied to this underlying reasoning,”You’re a black woman. You should be grateful that I give you the time of day. You should be grateful to put up with my shit”. All of this is also usually tied to men who’ve internalized racism, & think less of themselves. They don’t have any respect to give you, bc it’s not there for themselves. Think about that. Why would you want someone who regards you as “less than”, to be in your life? Nope. You can do bad by yourself. You don’t need no help, just like the song says.

    Please walk away from men who inflict racialized beauty standards on you. This is hard, bc we’re all affected by this, bc we’re raised in it. However, I’ll never understand really dark, nappy haired, black women who stay with men who’s dream woman is Kim K., Adriana Lima, or some other visually racially ambiguous woman. While he’ll likely never access any women like that (bc thousands more desirable men are chasing them, too), you’re just a dinner cooking, laundry doing, sex hole placeholder. If a man is only with you bc he can’t “do better” at the moment, you need to learn how to be alone until you can meet someone who wants who you actually ARE. Also, black women who “profit” from this sort of thing, & have relationships with these black men, need to knock it off, too. If a man is anti “Nina Simone black”, then deep down, he’s anti-black period. (And before anyone pops up to posit that I’m a “jealous hater”, nope. Ignorant assed black clowns always hit on me with opening lines starting with my hair, & ending with “pretty babies”. These “men” should not be able to date, or get married to any kind of woman. As long as some of our brethren see this as a compliment, there will always be a schism present. Send these assholes packing.)

    Black women need to get comfortable with the idea that they deserve to receive back, as good as what they have to offer. I think this is a bigger problem with black women that didn’t grow up financially secure, plus with a healthy dose of religious “helpmate sexism”. I didn’t grow up being pushed to “marry down” financially, just to say I had a black husband (my parents didn’t & dont care what color the man is, but he better have a lot of positive shit going for him). Notice that it’s only black women who are pushed to not have any standards whatsoever. Nope. Fuck that. You can rise up, or get the fuck out. Also, while my parents were raised in particular religions, unlike a lot of black people, they’re not religious. I was always pushed to do the best thing for my singular future, not being the mule of any man that brought less to the table than me. So many black women are trying to be Superearner, Supermodel, Supermother, for a Supernothing dude (no future, no education, no money, sometimes babies everywhere, zero looks). Even if no one in your family ever told you deserve better, you need to always tell it to yourself, then believe it. Your actions will follow.

    *For women afraid that standards will keep them from dating &/or getting married, bullshit. I’ve been asked to be married more than once. I’ve been married & divorced, & I’m a couple of minutes from doing it again. Good men are out there, & you don’t have to sacrifice everything important to you, to be with one.

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      Rooo sez BISH PLZTheCatBite3000
      5/13/17 1:37pm

      So many black women are trying to be Superearner, Supermodel, Supermother, for a Supernothing dude (no future, no education, no money, sometimes babies everywhere, zero looks). Even if no one in your family ever told you deserve better, you need to always tell it to yourself, then believe it.

      /thread

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    Hello, America: Find Your SoulYesha
    5/13/17 11:20am

    I justified his behavior. “This is just him. This is normal.”

    This line resonates with me. People don’t realize that the reason we stay with abusers (emotional and physical) is because we are manipulated to view every transgression as either an isolated incident, or the logical outcome of an “well everyone’s got their thing!” line of thinking. Hey, you can’t fault someone for who they are, right? You chose this, right? So, in both instances, the transgression is excused.

    My relationship was similar to this, it seems - it didn’t go as far as marriage or even co-habitation, but I totally recognize all the mind-bending you did. Mine got worse over time, and got physical toward the end. I cannot relate on the racial level, and I know that’s the biggest part of the story, but I can relate in other ways. Right down to the never viewing yourself as a potential victim, thinking your love can change someone, and the realization that the person you fell in love with was not real (or had ceased to exist).

    I’m so sorry for you and all the other women (particularly of color) who suffer this everyday. Thank you so much for sharing your story - I know how tough it is to look back at trauma and be able to even string these things all together into sequence, to dig yourself out of the confusion and self-doubt that you developed to be able to tell the story and recognize things for what they were. 

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      Rooo sez BISH PLZHello, America: Find Your Soul
      5/13/17 11:57am

      People don’t realize that the reason we stay with abusers (emotional and physical) is because we are manipulated to view every transgression as either an isolated incident, or the logical outcome of an “well everyone’s got their thing!” line of thinking.

      RFE.

      (Repeated For Emphasis)

      Applicable these days in so many arenas, from the dysfunction normalized in our communities all the way up to the peoples’ relationship with the current WH occupant.

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      Hello, America: Find Your SoulRooo sez BISH PLZ
      5/13/17 12:38pm

      I have found that my experience with this abusive partner and my narcissist ragemonster father have given me a lot of emotional training for dealing with Trump. Not that the fear and stress is lessened since it’s an abusive relationship we’re literally trapped in, but it has helped me to mitigate the brain fuzzies that happen when someone has manipulated you.

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    SatyrixYesha
    5/13/17 1:55pm

    Not sure how to address this without the potential of it being taken the wrong way by others, but this is in no way exclusive to black women. I, caucasian male, am having a real Killing Me Softly experience reading this, as I so clearly see a situation I’ve been in as well, for a lot longer than I’m proud to admit. One of the most painful experiences I recall is so desperately wanting time to myself to just breathe and recover and be my own person, but once I had the time to myself, I barely even knew what to do because I had had to forget so much of who I was.

    I’m glad you’re in a better place. No one should have to be made to feel these things.

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      KaraThraceAndHerSpecialDestinySatyrix
      5/13/17 4:55pm

      i’m sorry you’re going through that and i hope you get away, but no one said this was exclusive to black women. that was never stated or implied in the article. if that was your takeaway from reading this article, you read it wrong. that is not the point of this article. if you want to talk about white men and domestic violence, right your own article about that subject. not everything needs to be about you, and this article isn’t about you.

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      SatyrixKaraThraceAndHerSpecialDestiny
      5/13/17 5:23pm

      Literally the type of response I was trying to avoid. The article was framed as this being a black, female problem and I wanted to reach out, human being to human being, and say that I felt her pain, despite not filling either qualification. It felt dishonest to pretend I did, and I even put a nice, pretty disclaimer asking people not to read it exactly as you chose to do because I wasn’t sure how to phrase it. Good thing you’re here to mansplain what’s going on and shame me for sharing something deeply personal. Next time you complain about “toxic masculinity” and how men are discouraged to show feelings, remember this bullshit.

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    MonieMonieYesha
    5/13/17 3:09pm

    Just now dealing with the emotional impact of this. It’s been 3+ yrs since I got out. I left everything (job, residence) for the safety of myself and my daughter and mom. Self care and self love is so important.

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    Thotline Bling: black girl supremacyYesha
    5/13/17 6:07pm

    Michele, this is heartbreaking and beautiful at once. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I’m so sorry you went through that. I can relate in some ways, but in others, I can only imagine what you must have felt.

    I am so glad that you are in a different place now and have realized that you deserve so much more. I hope many others find hope in your story.

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    spikespeigelYesha
    5/13/17 10:13am

    After my last relationship, I haven’t actively sought out another one. I’m still recovering from the damage done to me. I truly think I don’t deserve to be loved, and because of that, when people show interest in me, I can only think: why are you even wasting your time with me? I’m not worth it.

    Maybe one day I’ll get over that last relationship. But for right now, I just try to keep busy and keep moving. Or else the depression and self-hatred sinks in.

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      Hello, America: Find Your Soulspikespeigel
      5/13/17 11:41am

      Hugs <3 Take care of yourself. I hope you can find peace.

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    EmpressJadeYesha
    5/13/17 11:49pm

    I think shame plays a big part in why so many stay in abusive relationships. The fact that someone that you love and trusted is violating and abusing you is quite embarrassing to admit publicly, and on top of that we also live in a victim blaming culture that further contributes to the stigma of being abused.  

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    Reclaiming My TimeYesha
    5/13/17 10:45pm

    My god this could have been written by my sister, and for a second I thought it was until I checked the author’s credits... all the way down to being an attorney.

    I’m glad that you made the right decision and cut him loose!

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    sybannYesha
    5/13/17 2:59pm

    Kindness is my first requirement - you, and all of us, deserve it, Michele.

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