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    therealquash ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗKate Carraway
    8/06/13 5:14pm

    Friday nights are "ideal"? So people have to miss Friday work to travel to your wedding? Friday weddings are the WORST. People shouldn't have to take a vacation day for your wedding.

    And no... not everyone gets a plus one. When you offer plus ones to every single person, you end up paying for a lot of heads that don't show. Because that single friend who wants to take the guy she met out a few weeks ago is going to have moved on by the time your wedding comes around.

    If people are in a serious relationship, or don't have any other friends attending the wedding (a one-off good friend from college who was part of a different group), you get a plus one. You shouldn't feel bad for limiting it.

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      LuckyMc44therealquash ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ
      8/06/13 5:18pm

      Agreed x1000. Friday weddings are the WORST. Even if you don't have to travel, you have to somehow get dressed up and go to a party on an evening when you had to wake up at 6am. You know how much I feel like putting on a nice dress and redoing my hair and makeup on a Friday after work? NOT AT ALL.

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      PaperAnguatherealquash ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ
      8/06/13 5:18pm

      I agree. People have to take the day off, or if they are local rush after work. Not the best idea to please wedding guests

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    Ari Schwartz: Dark Lord of the SnarkKate Carraway
    8/06/13 5:19pm

    Am I the only one who generally enjoys going to weddings because it's usually a fun night and an opportunity to have conversation with new people?

    Honestly, I feel like half the problem with weddings these days is that people are so concerned with the pomp that they forget to just have fun. Bring a gift/check, wish everyone well, dance and have fun. Why do people complicate things so much? Sheesh.

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      XyzzyAri Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark
      8/06/13 5:22pm

      You aren't. It is also a chance to catch up with old friends. And drink and eat for free (minus the gift). And all the love! I love weddings.

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      therealquash ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗAri Schwartz: Dark Lord of the Snark
      8/06/13 5:24pm

      I'm right there with you.

      I am in a fortunate place in my life where the monetary complications of weddings don't affect me. I can kind of go to them with impunity, knowing I can afford the party and the gift. So that said, I just love them! So much fun.

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    LadyologyKate Carraway
    8/06/13 5:23pm

    Thank god you have a year to buy a gift, because I'm poor as shit. Weddings drive me in the hole every year, because etiquette demands you buy a gift even if you couldn't go. Hope it was fun, here's a set of towels that'll be on my credit card in three months! Too bad I can't afford a new phone! And if you want your bridesmaids to pick out and pay for their own dresses, cools. But please don't hand them a fabric swatch and request that those dresses be in an exact shade and fabric. That's the start of a frustrating, expensive treasure hunt for which the prize is still a dress you don't want.

    ETA: The girlfriend who did that is a beautiful, wonderful woman whom I love very much. She thought she was doing us a favor but wasn't. How it all went down doesn't negate her pure, considerate intentions. I think this is an argument for just following the instructions in the overpriced, Trapperkeeper-esque wedding guides they sell at Barnes and Noble.

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      therealquash ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗLadyology
      8/06/13 5:35pm

      I seriously doubt (or hope?) people inviting you to weddings would want you going into the hole to get them sheets... I would never, ever, ever want to know that anyone was overextending themselves for me because of etiquette!

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      Ladyologytherealquash ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ
      8/06/13 5:42pm

      Of course no one who isn't an asshole wants you to put yourself in a tough spot over a wedding. But the truth is, weddings are extremely expensive. Being an attendant often runs well over a grand. Even if you're just a guest, weddings require a plane ticket or car trip, hotel and food expenses, and a gift at minimum not to mention lost days at work for travel. The prewedding celebrations are additional expenses, often with more travel, gifts, and shared costs for the party and perhaps lodgings. At minimum, a decent gift and the shipping for that gift is required for each wedding invitation received. If you're in your twenties and in school, that's a tall order. My friends are wonderful people, and since many are out of school and onto successful careers, they wouldn't blink at the price tags their weddings require for some of the rest of us. It's not their fault. It's just how it is these days with the wedding industrial complex being what it is.

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    rollsniderollKate Carraway
    8/06/13 5:26pm

    How does everyone feel about save-the-date notes sent pre-invitation? I have a friend (we're not all that close) who sent me one for her May wedding in like February, but I never got an invitation. I'd already penciled the date in on the calendar, then when our mutual friends got their invitations...nada. Tacky?

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      YayForSouprollsnideroll
      8/06/13 5:29pm

      Save-The-Date = invitation.

      It was shitty of your friend to do that.

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      therealquash ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗrollsnideroll
      8/06/13 5:31pm

      Oh that is super tacky. No... if you send a Save the Date, they are invited. No matter what.

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    LuckyMc44Kate Carraway
    8/06/13 5:23pm

    I feel like your point about the +1 is a bit odd. It kind of sounds like you're saying you should not invite people you'd like to be there in favor of having a bunch of randos you don't know who came as +1s. I strongly disagree with that sentiment. I don't think your points are off base, but your friend can suck it up for a night and talk to other people, or they can choose not to go. It's bizarre to ask a bride or groom to forego the pleasure of their friends in favor of their good friend's boyfriend she just started dating two weeks ago.

    I also personally disagree with the bridesmaid dress thing. It stressed me the fuck OUT to have to find my own bridesmaid dress. I'm a "not wedding" and trying to put myself together and not shame my friends when I stand up at their wedding causes a lot of stress that could just be avoided if they told me what they wanted me to wear. (This is not to say that I don't gladly do my best...I do. I'd just rather have them tell me what they want.)

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      FrogAndToadForeverLuckyMc44
      8/06/13 5:30pm

      I think in terms of bridesmaids dresses the least you can do as a bride is give the color and style you want. You know, knee-length baby blue one shoulder. Then everyone can find the material/price they want.

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      todovabienLuckyMc44
      8/06/13 5:49pm

      I think the +1 thing is weird as well. I'm planning a wedding that's destination for my side (local to the groom) and my standard is: you get one if you're in a serious relationship or knowing nobody else invited. If you're single but are friends with other guests attending, sorry, no +1.

      As for bridesmaids dresses, I didn't want to be high-maintenance and require more than I was already asking for my friends to come to Spain from NYC for our wedding (groom is Spanish), so I told them to wear black, and if they were unsure, to run it by me or the bridesmaid who works at Harper's Bazaar. Hopefully it isn't stressful for anyone!

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    notfucKingCouthKate Carraway
    8/06/13 5:33pm

    As someone else has said, I don't know in what world Fridays are ideal, but I guess I could see a case being made for leaving the rest of people's weekend open. Try being invited to a wedding where a lot of people will be traveling that's on a Sunday. Is that really weird or am I out of touch? I'm not married, so I have no idea. I have heard that Fridays are becoming more popular because it's cheaper, which I totally get, so maybe Sundays are the same way? I'm trying to tell myself not to complain, because it means an extra couple days off, and I'm lucky enough to have the time. But my boyfriend on the other hand- not so lucky.

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      kcunningnotfucKingCouth
      8/06/13 5:57pm

      I hate Sunday weddings. HATE HATE HATE. You usually have to drive way out, it's either a late night or screws up your day, and the next day at work sucks because you're wiped.

      Hand me an invite to a Sunday wedding, you get a regrets.

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      FreaksAndTweaksnotfucKingCouth
      8/06/13 6:53pm

      Sundays and Fridays are both generally much cheaper than Saturdays. Luckily, no one is dragging anyone there in chains!

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    IinventedPostItsKate Carraway
    8/06/13 5:53pm

    We are going to my SIL's wedding on Sat. We need to bring a gift. I'm thinking cash because some crazy stuff went down and she has to pay for a bunch of the wedding now. We recently spent ALL our money buying a house, so we don't have a ton of money to go around. What's an appropriate cash gift to give? (She will like cash) But how much do we give?

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      kcunningIinventedPostIts
      8/06/13 5:58pm

      As much as you can without putting yourself in danger, if you really want to help out. I have no idea how much you have stashed away, so I can't really toss a number out there.

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      IinventedPostItskcunning
      8/06/13 6:00pm

      Is $100-200 acceptable? I mean we have some money, but we have a lot of it stashed aside for house repairs at this point.

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    SeeKateTryNotToRunOffACliffKate Carraway
    8/06/13 5:36pm

    I went the mismatched dress route and it turned out lovely. I gave the ladies a few parameters: knee length or above, chiffon or other floaty fabric, and within a particular color scheme (can't really mess up ocean colors). Two of the women bought dresses from bridal shops and two of the women bought dresses from department stores. The non-bridal shop dresses ended up being cotton voile, but honestly, I felt like the effect in the photos was quite nice. The colors were literally ocean colors, too. Two women chose carribean-type blues (but not the same, I'd compare it to being close to shore and out to sea), one dress was a bottom of an iceberg blue, and one dress was the color of the Pacific in Northern California during a storm.

    Okay, that sounds totally cheeseball, but hey, I'm a pisces, I love the ocean and blue is my favorite freaking color, in almost all its variations. Trust me, they looked lovely together.

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      Sticky Little FingersSeeKateTryNotToRunOffACliff
      8/06/13 5:49pm

      For my sister's wedding, we did something similar and it worked really well.

      All of the bridesmaids varied greatly in size, body type, height and geographic location. The Maid of Honor was sent out on her own to a regular department store and bought a dress she really liked that looked lovely on her, which was just below knee-length pink floaty chiffon. All the other girls were then told to get something roughly around that length (or longer or shorter as looked nice) that was floaty and would look nice next to a pink dress. Colors ranged through the pink, cream, apricot range and we all looked awfully pretty and romantic together.

      Everyone was happy. Easy. I wore my dress again, and would still wear it if it fit.

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      kcunningSeeKateTryNotToRunOffACliff
      8/06/13 5:55pm

      Mine was similar, except I just specified 'black', since it happened to look good on everyone. The best part? I know for a fact they actually wore those dresses again, since they both took them on cruises and to a few formals.

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    YayForSoupKate Carraway
    8/06/13 5:40pm

    My only advice for guests is this:

    A wedding invitation is not a subpoena

    If you get invited to a wedding that will be inconvenient for you because of the date, time, expense or place; or if you just don't want to go. Then don't go.

    However if you make the choice to show up, please also make the choice not to behave like an ass. It's likely that someone shelled out a lot of money for your overcooked steak and free booze.

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      kcunningYayForSoup
      8/06/13 6:07pm

      Christ. I need you to tell my mother that. She flips out every time I decline an invite.

      "How can you say no?!"

      "This box. Right here. See? It's labeled, even."

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      YayForSoupkcunning
      8/06/13 6:11pm

      I'm getting married this month. I'm perfectly fine with people saying no. If you can't or don't want to come that's fine. In fact expected around 10-20% of people to decline- because I realize that other people have lives.

      As long as I get the RSVP back I'm happy. It's the people who are making me track them down over the phone because over the course of the last month they couldn't be bothered to check a box and send the card back in the stamped, addressed envelop I mailed to them who are pissing me off.

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    sugarhilKate Carraway
    8/06/13 5:18pm

    Here's a question. If you're with a plus one you give a gift as if from two people right? So if everyone is giving $100, the couples give $200? Currently having a big fight about this etiquette.

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      Fnarsbourgsugarhil
      8/06/13 5:29pm

      As long as you make a sincere effort, your gift can be anything.

      Anybody who complains about your gift is fucking tacky.

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      notfucKingCouthsugarhil
      8/06/13 5:30pm

      Yikes, $100 for a single person's gift sounds like an awfully lot to me, but I don't know your circumstances. Also, I do know mine, and I'm more in the $100 from both of us camp sooo... Maybe I'm unqualified.

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