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    cinnamonAimée Lutkin
    5/15/16 8:34pm

    I’m going to get eviscerated for saying this, but here it goes:

    Marriage (and weddings included, obviously) will never be “feminist”.

    Of course, I’m talking about the original (for lack of a better word) feminism here, not the clusterfuck “feminism” we have today.

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      accesscodecinnamon
      5/15/16 8:48pm

      No eviseration here. Only agreement. I mean, okay, marriage is fine, but historically, it’s not really beneficial to women.

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      junwellocinnamon
      5/15/16 8:52pm

      Any more than bicycles will be piscine!

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    stroderealtyAimée Lutkin
    5/15/16 8:35pm

    The article seems a touch insufferable. Not this one here on Jez, but the original. I could be wrong, but I have no intentions of clicking through to find out.

    “We’ve moved away from the wedding industrial complex” followed up about how important it was to him to get her a nice ring and talking about a maid of honor. I’m not judging, go ahead and do your thing- just don’t try to act like you’re so removed from it. As Aimee said, it is taxing.

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      irvingwashingtonable3stroderealty
      5/15/16 8:47pm

      I think whoever writes Vows hates that column. There’s always a barely suppressed hint of “I HATE THIS JOB I HATE THIS JOB” undercutting every word. It’s even better when they clearly hate both of the people involved:

      http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/07/fas...

      “a musical socioeconomic activist who promotes free thinking and acting differently rather than following the herd.”

      to spend half of her junior year working at the New Life International Orphanage in Ghana.<snip>“For me, what was important was giving back to a community that had helped to raise me: Ghana,”

      “…this morning I signed the document

      that promises that I’m monogamous until the comet hits at the apocalypse

      So until my coffin has an occupant

      You can steal my covers on other continents…”

      Maybe it’s just me projecting because I also hate them, but it seems like the article is written just straight enough for it to not be clear whether the author is taking the piss out of them when he totally is.

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      DontBeSuchaBoobPunchTinairvingwashingtonable3
      5/15/16 8:49pm

      That’s Beth Jones. This one was Tammy La Gorce.

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    TheBigManJoinedTheGreysAimée Lutkin
    5/15/16 8:53pm

    wedding-industrial complex

    Ughhhhggghhh. This makes me ragey every time. I run my own wedding-related creative business. Nearly all of the other people I collaborate with in this industry, excuse me “industrial complex,” are women who own their own businesses. Shitting on the wedding industry — which employs many, many small local businesses run by women — is so so tired. Fine artists, musicians, photographers, clothing designers, floral designers, and many more creative businesses are helmed by women who, like me, keep the lights on by working in the wedding industry. We’re not an industrial complex. We are women — feminists even! — doing creative work that brings people happiness. Don’t go broke, spend as little as you want, but don’t crap on the work good people do. The patriarchy isn’t inflated more because you chose to buy your invitations instead of make them yourselves.

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      OpenThePodBayDoorTheBigManJoinedTheGreys
      5/15/16 9:13pm

      It sounds like you’re one of the good ones in the Wedding Industrial Complex, but I’m pretty sure that I read that Halliburton is the largest supplier of wedding flowers and most cake toppers are constructed by Lockheed-Martin.

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      TheBigManJoinedTheGreysOpenThePodBayDoor
      5/15/16 9:15pm

      Shhhhhhh...someone might hear you speaking the truth!

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    XyzzyAimée Lutkin
    5/15/16 9:24pm

    I’m so glad this is here - I read this announcement this morning and had no one to titter with. That an article about a couple of feminists started off with the gendered phrase “shrinking violet” perfectly set the tone for the rest of the announcement. I couldn’t ever decide if the writer was clueless or just trolling them or trolling us.

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      Aimée LutkinXyzzy
      5/15/16 9:27pm

      Can’t really tell either. I want to assume that they’re great, and it’s the traditional/archaic format of the NYT wedding announcement that is ruining a perfectly reasonable wedding ceremony.

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      ILikeThunderstormsXyzzy
      5/16/16 1:48am

      I’m picturing the writer of the article as being minimum 85 years old, wearing this outfit and smoking a cigar as he writes.

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    Aimée LutkinAimée Lutkin
    5/15/16 10:12pm

    Just adding: I think the way the NYT piece focuses on feminism as a newly discovered and barely surmountable obstacle to a wedding ceremony annoying, not the couple. You can continue to tell me to die in a fire in the comments.

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      SuffersfoolsgladlyAimée Lutkin
      5/16/16 9:58am

      Gosh.. I haven’t been told to die in a fire here, or on Gawker, for about 4 years now. Am pleased!

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      justachickAimée Lutkin
      5/16/16 10:44am

      While I realize this comment may be too abstract for some, I feel like the person who wrote the NYT article is the same one who’s coaching Hilz that all those pastel pant suits are a good idea. Let’s really show those mens who’s boss. Pants but in dress colors!

      What is it 1988? I thought second wavers took care of all this for us. I’m certainly not down for another round of the power suit, the woman who hates men discussion, and ‘super woman’ having it all BS, basically any piece of feminist conversation my mother had to have. Dear NYT if Oprah had a show about it in 1993 it is not groundbreaking anymore:

      Edgy.

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    $7CoffeeAimée Lutkin
    5/15/16 9:32pm

    BUT WAS THERE AN OPEN BAR?! WAS THE FOOD GOOD?! DID SOMEONE’S AUNT NANCY BLACK OUT AND HIT ON THE BUS BOY?!

    When will we start asking the important questions?

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      DontBeSuchaBoobPunchTina$7Coffee
      5/15/16 9:41pm

      Duuuude, one time I invited Aunt Nancy to a party, and damn, that woman outdanced us all!

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      Octopit didn't choose the burrito life, the burrito life chose octopit.$7Coffee
      5/15/16 9:52pm

      I have only been to one wedding and THERE WAS NO BAR. And it was my uncle, who is a known drinker. A BIG DRINKER. But they invited their priest to the after party and didn’t want to look bad. MY UNCLE HAD A FLASK THOUGH.

      I may have stole an entire bottle of champagne was downed it before anyone saw.

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    MayotonillaAimée Lutkin
    5/15/16 9:22pm

    I did not want a ring either. No woman in my family ever had an engagement ring before so I thought engagement rings were superfluous. My now husband also told me that it was very important for him to give me one. I remember getting somewhat stressed because I really did not want one and did not want him to spend money on one. His mother offered to give us her grandmother ring and I thought that was a good compromise and was touched to be given a piece of family history. I wear the ring now. But some times I still wonder if I didn’t just caved in too easily. Now, I did not change my last name. I drew a very solid line there. NO name change! Ugh that just no. It did not matter how important is for the guy. My name is MINE!...Sorry I got a little carried away.

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      RuthSlayderGinsburgMayotonilla
      5/15/16 9:27pm

      I actually think it’s weird how important it is for guys. I had been raised on the “women demanding their big shiny rock” stereotype, but found when my friends and I started pairing off it was the guys insisting on buying a flashy ring. The rationale I got was “otherwise people will think I’m poor/cheap!” I get it, but it sucks that women get slapped with the stereotype when often it doesn't seem like something they actually encouraged.

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      BurnThemAllLostHerKeyRuthSlayderGinsburg
      5/15/16 9:55pm

      The only person who ever asked me the carat weight of my ring and whether it was platinum or white gold was, surprise, a straight guy. (Answers: “I dunno” and “platinum.”)

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    Octopit didn't choose the burrito life, the burrito life chose octopit.Aimée Lutkin
    5/15/16 8:37pm

    Unless the wedding is a women castrating, disemboweling and showering in her future husband’s blood while reciting a few pieces of Audre Lorde’s writing,(while wearing white, of course, YOU CAN’T HAVE A WEDDING UNLESS YOU ARE WEARING WHITE) IT IS NOT A FEMINIST WEDDING. GET OUT. GO ON. GET.

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      DontBeSuchaBoobPunchTinaOctopit didn't choose the burrito life, the burrito life chose octopit.
      5/15/16 8:40pm

      You could do this as performance art and New Yorkers would pay to see it.

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      Octopit didn't choose the burrito life, the burrito life chose octopit.DontBeSuchaBoobPunchTina
      5/15/16 8:42pm

      Only if I find my one true love.

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    Janeway1312Aimée Lutkin
    5/15/16 9:01pm

    Is there anyone else out there who is just not interested in a wedding? I’ve been with my partner for 9 years now and have no desire to marry. We plan to be together “forever” which for us means as long as we are both growing together and healthy and happy. We’ve lived together for 7 years and bought our first house last year. We plan on having children within 5 years. When I talk to people about this in my town (small town northern ontario) they act like I’m legit. crazy. We were talking about doing something special for our ten year “anniversary” together (maybe a trip etc.) and my mother burst out with “that doesn’t count! It doesn’t count until you have a ring! Doesn’t count! Doesn’t count!”. Wow. That just solidified it. No thank you. I’ve never dreamed of a wedding. No dress no rings etc. It’s just not for us.

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      JustWhatTheDrOrderedJaneway1312
      5/15/16 9:12pm

      Fellow Northern-Ontarian here! Well, Northwestern-Ontarian. Nothing insightful that’s wedding related to say (except that your mother needs to seriously chill). Just happy to see representation!

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      Amy'sOwlJaneway1312
      5/15/16 9:22pm

      I agree with you 100%. That being said, I’m married. My husband and I got married after being together for 10 years when I was pregnant, because financially we needed his awesome insurance to cover my pregnancy and delivery (side note: I should not have felt pressured to marry based on insurance—U.S. healthcare has a long way to go). We never intended to get married, but we were committed to building a life together. I wish we hadn’t married. I love him, and we always intended to stay together, so ultimately the technicalities haven’t changed; but there was something special about our unmarried union that I sorely miss. You sound sure of your decision. Go with it.

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    ThisIsMyThirdNameAimée Lutkin
    5/15/16 8:31pm

    Didn’t read the Times article, but ugh. Just do your own thing for your wedding. If your identity is so wrapped up in labels that your wedding has to be ‘southern’, ‘feminist’, ‘bo-ho’, ‘natural’ etc with a label, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. I could look back at my wedding and say my husband and I made choices that were feminist, but we didn’t do it to check policies off a list. We did what felt right. That’s the only thing anyone should do anything for regarding weddings.

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      Marlene FreaktrickThisIsMyThirdName
      5/15/16 8:59pm

      same. i ditched the things that felt weird and useless we included things we made up because they seemed fun. We did the traditions that mattered most to our families but overall it wasn’t like we thought it all out to what we wanted to appear to be like.

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      fortheloveofbeetsThisIsMyThirdName
      5/16/16 10:34am

      This does not seem to be a situation where the couple is being insufferable and branding their own wedding as a “feminist” wedding, but rather the NYT imposing that on them so that the article has a hook.

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