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    Stig-a-saw-us wrecks loves nuclear power.Sarah Kasbeer
    4/28/16 2:47pm

    First, wonderful essay. It’s one of the best on here in recent time

    Second, I can’t imagine what it is like to be assaulted like that and couldn’t even begin to walk an inch in your shoes. I’ll never ever know how you truly feel but I shake in anger when I hear about it happening. It’s a pretty shitty world where people would assault others in a compromised situation.

    I’m very happy you were able to find an outlet that allowed you to release any pressure, frustration, anger and revenge fantasies in a structured and safe environment. My fondest firearm wish is that more people would take out their shooting fantasies on paper rather than their fellow man or themselves. That it is something you can share and do with your SO makes it all the better.

    Thanks again for a great read!

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      Rando CalrissianStig-a-saw-us wrecks loves nuclear power.
      4/28/16 2:49pm

      Happy this is open to discussion; it was a really interesting and provocative read. Thanks to Sarah for writing and sharing this.

      SO, on to discussing. Personally, she is not alone in imagining a violent end for her assailant. I still go through that. Never been tempted to go the gun range though.

      I wonder how common it is to cope with rape by imagining killing your assailant? Probably pretty fucking common.

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      weebleswobbleRando Calrissian
      4/28/16 2:52pm

      She is definitely not alone in that — I feel like fantasizing about horrible things befalling people who hurt you can be a normal part of the healing process (as I write that, I realize how completely sick that sounds?).

      Though there’s something about actually going to the range and deliberately firing at a person shaped target that takes it to a whole separate (frankly kind of disconcerting) level.

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    andrew0742Sarah Kasbeer
    4/28/16 3:18pm

    I want to say as a anti gun person this is a new side that made me think harder on the topic. As a man I have a genuine question, how do we know when its not okay in a situation where things seem confusing and we don’t want to ruin the mood. I am sure there is more to this story and many reasons the man in question should known you where not interested but it makes me honestly ask how do I avoid hurting some one like this if I was in a situation that was not as clear. My first time was with a friend I only knew for a few days and just like in the story we smoked a bowl and took a nap together when we woke up I kissed her and fingered her and it went from there and while that turned out okay now I wonder well should I have asked first? Honestly I am asking mostly the women here should a man ask first? I am sure there is probably a way to confirm consent with out being like
    “Is this act acceptable to you and would you like me to continue?”.

    I am starting to under stand more and more as a man that there are times in theory I might scare a woman and not even know I am doing it just because of past experiences they have had and because of the male power structure in our culture.

    I am so sorry for what happens to you and I apologize if any part of what I am writeing sounds like sounds like you where not clear enough or some BS.

    God this is a hard thing to write about

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      Akat101andrew0742
      4/28/16 3:26pm

      If you are in any way uncertain, ask. It probably won’t kill the mood (you don’t have to use stiff formal language, “do you like this/want this? etc. works just fine), and even if it does, oh well. Better to kill the mood than sexually assault someone.

      If in doubt, don’t. Especially if someone is unconscious for any reason.

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      Angelica Schuylerandrew0742
      4/28/16 3:28pm

      I think that open, clear communication with a partner, while it may seem awkward at first, is always a good idea. Ask as it progresses if you aren’t completely sure, and pay attention to body language and nonverbal cues. Don’t try to convince her.

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    dalilaSarah Kasbeer
    4/28/16 3:26pm

    Huh. I think I’m still in the “I could have done xyz differently” stage. It’s been almost 10 years. I basically pretend it never happened, unless I’m feeling particularly sorry for myself and/or am drunk and alone. I keep waiting for the INTENSE ANGER part to happen, because I almost feel like it would provide some kind of relief to the decades-long onslaught of “you’re an idiot” that my brain has been feeding me.

    But it hasn’t happened. I’m not angry. I don’t want to shoot anyone. Sometimes I kind of wish I did.

    Anyway. I appreciated the Tori Amos reference.

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      AllieCat ❤️'S hats on cats-is probable weirdodalila
      4/28/16 3:29pm

      I’m so sorry that happened to you. The person who assaulted you is a monster, and you are not an idiot. It is not your fault that they are a fucked up piece of garbage.

      Sending healing wishes.

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      dalilaAllieCat ❤️'S hats on cats-is probable weirdo
      4/28/16 3:34pm

      Thanks, that means a lot, internet stranger. :)

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    ToheroaSarah Kasbeer
    4/28/16 6:31pm

    When I awoke, I found that he had unzipped my pants and stuck his fingers inside of me. I froze. He kept going.

    Let me be clear - I am not blaming any victims. What happened has happened and it’s not the victims fault. But when THIS scenario happens, women need to grab the wrist of the hand that is molesting them, scream NO! STOP! DON’T DO THAT! - and be ready to get UP and KICK ASS.

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      Flamingo83Toheroa
      4/28/16 7:07pm

      That is victim blaming. Some women can’t unfreeze. She was not and is not responsible for stopping the rapist.

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      Marx and SparksToheroa
      4/28/16 9:16pm

      Okay. Hi there. Get ready to learn something.

      Have you heard of fight or flight? You probably have. What you are probably unaware of is that it’s actually fight, flight, freeze, submit. Submitting can be thought of as akin to an animal playing dead. Why? Because this is an evolutionary response shared among all mammals. This is the most primitive part of our brain kicking in and making a complicated calculation that goes like this: “What is most likely to get me out of this situation alive?” Not okay. Not victorious. ALIVE.

      The most common response in sexual assault is submission (also known as immobilization). The reasons are many. We often know the perpetrator and so are blind-sided by the betrayal. We have been told for decades not to fight off a rapist, that it will cause more harm (though this has been proven wrong, it’s still a deeply ingrained message). We have spent our whole lives being told we’re weaker than men and can’t possibly beat them in a fight. We are in shock. We may be drunk.

      Let me be clear, this is not a conscious decision to be immobilized. This is a level of decision making we don’t have conscious control over. And it is designed to get us out of that situation alive.

      Let me also be clear on something: Many, many, many survivors have shit tonnes of guilt over the fact that their body chose immobilization. They beat themselves up over it for years and years.

      So your comment? Not only is it wrong in the scientific sense. It’s wrong in the moral sense.

      This is straight up victim blaming.

      Happily, you now know better, so I am hopeful you will do better in the future.

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    Angelica SchuylerSarah Kasbeer
    4/28/16 2:59pm

    Oh! I didn’t think this was going to be open for discussion. I totally understood what (I assumed) the reasons were, but I’m happy it’s open.

    This piece is excellent. Thank you for offering an unexpected take on healing from sexual assault, and I wish you nothing but the best as you continue to move forward.

    Also, as someone who grew up around guns, I completely understand the feeling of release and accomplishment that comes with pulling the trigger and shredding the target sheet. Even if you never go back to the range, you can remember the focus, control, and calm that came with pulling the trigger and channel it when you start to feel overwhelmed.

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      Akat101Angelica Schuyler
      4/28/16 3:11pm

      I can completely understand how therapeutic that would be. I’ve been going to shooting ranges on occasion since I was 12, and there is definitely a sense of calm and control that comes with being able to confidently, skillfully, and responsibly handle a weapon. It’s not for everyone, but I do think there is value in it.

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      Angelica SchuylerAkat101
      4/28/16 3:13pm

      Agree completely.

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    sybannSarah Kasbeer
    4/28/16 3:16pm

    “the person I could have been...” Any woman who’s been assaulted wonders, imagines what life would be like without the constant vigilance, suspicion and fear. I miss solo hiking and night time out of doors.

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      NonServiam's Ghostsybann
      4/28/16 3:45pm

      That was my favorite observation. The assault steals a future from you and switches it for another one.

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      MalloryKnockssybann
      4/29/16 5:25pm

      I know everyone has a different healing process but for me, accepting the current “me” was HUGE. Because of what happened to me, I learned to be assertive, I began training in two martial arts (best decision I’ve ever made for myself), I began weapons training and I am able to work smarter to empower those around me on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder about the “me” that may not have been angry and distrusting and cagey and a prickly person to be around but you know what? I’m turning myself into a goddamn super hero! And I’m pretty okay with that.

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    SheeshTheseNamesSarah Kasbeer
    4/28/16 2:52pm

    Thank you for writing this, Sarah.

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      Rando CalrissianSheeshTheseNames
      4/28/16 2:54pm

      x2

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    ZhiBaChu: Awkward DetectiveSarah Kasbeer
    4/28/16 3:49pm

    “Only when I let go of the self-blame was I able to let in the anger. It washed over me like a torrent. I suddenly wanted to scream at every person I passed on the street. I was angry that my life had been forever changed for reasons I would never understand. I was angry that for years, instead of hating the person responsible, I’d actually hated myself. I was even angry that I hadn’t gotten angry sooner.”

    Perfection in descriptive form. This type of anger is so hard to explain. You’re angry at the person responsible, but they don’t care. And then you’re angry at everyone and no one.

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      PoodletimeSarah Kasbeer
      4/28/16 3:15pm

      I find that violent revenge fantasies are very healing. I still, when I have trouble sleeping, even for unrelated reasons, find myself running a particularly nice revenge fantasy involving a roundhouse kick and an open elevator shaft for one of my abusers. But not from too high up. Why kill ‘em when you can leave them mangled, disabled, and in constant pain?

      Mwah-hah-ha-ha! Cheers me right up!

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        Ry-bones, FiST pilotPoodletime
        4/28/16 3:28pm

        *KICK* “Going down.”

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        UltraMagnus69Ry-bones, FiST pilot
        4/28/16 7:24pm

        She needs to put on some sunglasses inbetween the kick and saying, “going down” naturally!

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      Hank ScorpioSarah Kasbeer
      4/29/16 1:36am

      I have never had an experience anything like the trauma you experienced. What I will say is that even as someone who’s pretty much anti-second amendment, the times I’ve been shooting at a range have been incredibly therapeutic.

      Since I like to inject humor, appropriate or not...

      He pointed us toward a classroom that reminded me of middle-school detention, except with weapons training.

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