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    NefertittiesBrendan O'Connor
    3/14/16 6:59pm

    There is no Uber, only Zuul.

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      GnomeChompskyNefertitties
      3/14/16 7:18pm

      Not enough stars. I just snorted a little at work

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      CleverUsernameNefertitties
      3/14/16 8:22pm

      Damn you. I’m in bed, trying my damnedest not to shake my wife awake with my laughter.

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    Sid and FinancyBrendan O'Connor
    3/14/16 6:57pm

    I wish they could get the app to control a driver’s mind and body to realize there are a lot of fucking one-way streets in Tribeca — is that too much to ask?

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      gramercypoliceSid and Financy
      3/14/16 7:31pm

      So many times I’ve tried to give Uber a chance in the city and it's such a shitshow. In Manhattan, if nowhere else, taxis are so much easier.

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      neralaaSid and Financy
      3/14/16 8:19pm

      San Francisco here: Preaching to the choir! I get in and tell them to turn off Siri or whatever bitch their using to navigate them cause what I’m doing is going to happen and we’re going to get there in half the time. There’s a running joke, there are no left turns in SF. However, 3 right turns will make a left.

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    JW BurnsideBrendan O'Connor
    3/14/16 6:54pm

    Totally not a Lyft employee here. The Lyft app matches you with local non-possessed drivers at the tap of a button.

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      OMG!PONIES!Brendan O'Connor
      3/14/16 7:05pm

      I call bullshit!

      You’re telling me that the pencil necks in Silicon Valley can program an app that can demonically possess a good God-fearing Christian man but they can’t figure out how to make a back door into Muslim iPhones?

      That's a load of horseshit but what do you expect from a bunch of Ivy League elitist libtards!

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        Maj. MalfunctionOMG!PONIES!
        3/14/16 7:31pm

        And those Ivy League nerds are ruining baseball, too!

        [turns on Fox News, mutters about how Hannity and O’Reilly have gone soft]

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      GregoireBrendan O'Connor
      3/14/16 7:04pm

      Help I’m possessed by Grindr! That must explain why I woke up this morning naked in the front seat of a garbage truck in Staten Island.

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        Maxine Floeffler, Super DelegateGregoire
        3/14/16 7:28pm

        Some histories of gay New York describe how the area around the Christopher Street piers had been a cruising ground for over a century. A hundred years ago guys would climb into nearby hay wagons. Later, from the 1930s until well into the 1990s, there were lots of delivery trucks and municipal vehices (including garbage trucks) that were parked down there in open-air lots and in truck bays and sometimes the doors would be left open.

        I don’t remember any references to guys getting it in New Dorp or Tottenville but my memory is hazy.

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        pleasestopthispopupGregoire
        3/14/16 7:44pm

        this I know is true. happened to me as well

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      TraceBrendan O'Connor
      3/14/16 7:07pm

      Okay, but wouldn’t he have killed the people he was to pick up instead of randoms on the street? You’d think the people he was to pick up would be the Devil’s targets if he was working through the app. Literally pointing him right to his targets and he didn’t listen.

      (Also, I am almost surprised more attempts at insanity pleas don’t involve the Devil. It does make stories a little more dramatic.)

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        pleasestopthispopupTrace
        3/14/16 7:46pm

        no, no, no , no. it only commands you to kill people that don’t sign up for the taxi service ride sharing app.

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        jroberts548Trace
        3/14/16 8:10pm

        “Ah ha! Your insane delusion is irrational, sir. J’accuse!!”

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      filmgirlBrendan O'Connor
      3/14/16 7:33pm

      Nope not buying it. I wish these assholes would own up to their shooting sprees. Not getting away with insanity you are just a dick.

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        GeorgeGeoffersonLivesfilmgirl
        3/15/16 1:41am

        If this had been the motive right off the bat the cops wouldn’t have been saying for weeks the “we may never know the motive” bullshit. Had this been the result of such incredible mental illness, you better fucking believe we’d have heard about it in days at the very latest and likely hours.

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        PsyyyychGeorgeGeoffersonLives
        3/15/16 2:51am

        I’d say the opposite actually. People who hear voices, especially command hallucinations, tend to be very reluctant to ever talk about them. They are embarrassed and afraid usually. It’s the people instantly clamoring to talk about how crazy they are that is actually more suspect.

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      SktroopBrendan O'Connor
      3/14/16 6:55pm

      Quick, get this guy to write for Black Mirror!

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        EricMuellerSktroop
        3/14/16 7:02pm

        Ohhhh I miss Black Mirror!! Want more episodes!

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      puncha yo bunsBrendan O'Connor
      3/14/16 6:58pm

      Wow. Out of all the motives...possession by software technology was pretty far down on the my list of guesses. Like...in the high 50s.

      Guess he’s working hard for that insanity defense (which, in his defense, may very much be legit here, or else this is on a whole different level of creativity).

      “Dalton said that he understands now how the other mass shootings take place,” the detective wrote.

      Uh-ohhhhh, that’s no bueno. If only all the other mass shooters had thought to have an app open at the time to use for their defense.

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        pleasestopthispopuppuncha yo buns
        3/14/16 7:43pm

        also, that statement is essentially an admission that he, in fact, did carry out the shooting.

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      Maj. MalfunctionBrendan O'Connor
      3/14/16 7:28pm

      This will be the plot to an episode in the next season of The X-Files. It will be presented as something that can actually happen. Mulder and Scully will hear about a shooting somewhere and declare: “It must have been an app on his phone controlling him!” before they’ve actually collected any evidence.

      There might also be ugly Muslim stereotypes in that episodes, or those might be saved for a different episode.

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        NicoMaj. Malfunction
        3/16/16 11:59am

        The Librarians already did mystical cell phone app.

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