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    bloodlesscoupAllie Jones
    3/08/16 4:38pm

    Day 409:

    My coworker just bought a $350,000 condo on the river and I’m just like ?????????????????

    OH I promised y’all an origin story. Okay, my name is bloodlesscoup and I was a debater in high school and college. I got really fascinated with things that were geeky-funny, like that one shirt that was the Communist Party, and it was like Marx and Stalin dancing around on a red background wearing lampshades on their heads. I was in a group with some Bad Kids, and basically I shopped at Hot Topic and went to NIN concerts (and I still do, I saw them with Soundgarden most recently and I don't even care). So I was like REBEL REBEL and got an industrial piercing and a tattoo of my astrological sign on my foot and was like "I'm smarter than 90% of other humans and I hate all of them for it and NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME" but I was also like a complete prude and I didn't lose my virginity til I was 27. An enigma wrapped in a puzzle wrapped in bacon. Eventually, my other friend, who is gay, and who was also my first kiss because of a game of Truth or Dare and some Mikes Hard Lemonade, came with me to watch Kill Bill Vol. II. He, I think, fell asleep in the theater, because he was living in a later-condemned house with some fucking shithole messy people who made him lose sleep. Anyway, in the car after the movie, we were talking about revenge plots (and you know what? I hadn't seen The Count of Monte Cristo yet, and I would have been ALL THE FUCK ABOUT THAT because I love retribution, I love it, I crave it like our human organs crave water), and my friend said that eventually I would overtake the world in what would ultimately be a bloodless coup. THAT'S THE STORY. THE END.

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      Emerald D.V.bloodlesscoup
      3/08/16 4:42pm

      How’s getting ready for the book tour going? Your hand must hurt after having to sign all those books you’re giving away.

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      bloodlesscoupEmerald D.V.
      3/08/16 4:44pm

      Oh my hand is hurting all right, but I won't say why

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    Jamie Lynn's PeersAllie Jones
    3/08/16 8:09pm

    ROLL CALL

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      lysf: captain underpants the shovel warriorJamie Lynn's Peers
      3/08/16 8:10pm

      here

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      imTired™thatisall is saving up for Gronk Cruise 2017Jamie Lynn's Peers
      3/08/16 8:11pm

      Present

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    CatdogWhispererAllie Jones
    3/08/16 4:39pm

    My three month old would probably love it, but what if it teaches him the wrong things, like he shouldn’t drink delicious cows milk, or that Jay Cutler is fully human, and not the result of a terrible breeding experiment gone wrong? One where, for God knows what reason, scientists attempted to create some sort of human-grumpy cat hybrid. It was supposed to help with low intelligence, but as you can see it was a horrible failure. The location of the bunker the experiments were performed in is still classified, and rumor has it that most of the evidence has been destroyed. They say there are more of them out there... Frowning... Awaiting the day that they too can perform poorly on a national stage and then act grumpy and indignant about it.... Anyway yeah, what if the book makes him doubt that?

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      ThatFatScatCat fucking loves muddy puddlesCatdogWhisperer
      3/08/16 4:49pm

      I think this describes an episode of the X Files. Like season one or two. I dunno.

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      dothedewCatdogWhisperer
      3/08/16 4:51pm

      Holy shit Catdog. You have a 3 month old? Son? It has been too long buddy, congrats and all that.

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    LeftoverSpillsAllie Jones
    3/08/16 4:26pm

    Of course it is! It’s a picture book. Glad I pre-ordered my copy.

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      logophobe, desperate dadLeftoverSpills
      3/08/16 4:30pm

      Quick somebody order one for mah bebe

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      LeftoverSpillslogophobe, desperate dad
      3/08/16 4:33pm

      No problem! What’s your address to steal your baby deliver your book.

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    Krill Baby KrillAllie Jones
    3/08/16 4:25pm

    Did she give up on the countdown? Counting backwards is too difficult I guess.

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      logophobe, desperate dadKrill Baby Krill
      3/08/16 4:30pm

      Kristin’s Countdown = Shroedinger’s Cat

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      Krill Baby Krilllogophobe, desperate dad
      3/08/16 4:34pm

      I’m surprised the book is actually coming out ahead of schedule. She really seems to have a problem seeing things through to the end. I’m still waiting to hear,about the benefits of krill oil. Also, #banghazi.

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    BaconScotchAllie Jones
    3/08/16 4:27pm

    I will balance in my heels;

    I will fill my child with feels.

    I will feed Jay some eels. ?

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      festivusaziliBaconScotch
      3/08/16 4:33pm

      Eels would be better than most of the food she posts about.

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      BaconScotchfestivusazili
      3/08/16 4:35pm

      I actually pictured an Eel in an oaty cup, and almost threw up. . .

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    Pie Man, AWAY!Allie Jones
    3/08/16 4:33pm

    I’ve already seen it in a store. End the 500 days now.

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      logophobe, desperate dadPie Man, AWAY!
      3/08/16 4:35pm

      Request denied

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      LeftoverSpillsPie Man, AWAY!
      3/08/16 4:37pm

      After careful consideration, I’ve decided to fart in your face. See ya tomorrow for more.

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    SpringSprungAllie Jones
    3/08/16 4:30pm

    Suitable only to balance a wobbly table.

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      logophobe, desperate dadSpringSprung
      3/08/16 4:31pm

      Your mom is a wobbly table

      ??? Am I doing this right ??? Please help

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      ThatFatScatCat fucking loves muddy puddleslogophobe, desperate dad
      3/08/16 4:42pm

      Try going with “Your table is only wobbly because your mother and I viciously fuck on it.” Works EVERY time.

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    Missypoo50Allie Jones
    3/08/16 4:37pm

    My child wouldn’t read such filth as she’s in the middle of “If I Did It” by OJ Simpson. ‘Tis the season.

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      ThatFatScatCat fucking loves muddy puddlesMissypoo50
      3/08/16 4:52pm

      The boys just finished up 50 Shades of Gray. Now they’re asking what a “safe word” is. Parenthood, amirite?

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      Fred Garvin Male ProstituteMissypoo50
      3/08/16 5:39pm

      Next book for your kid

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    a seahorseAllie Jones
    3/08/16 4:44pm

    “Mommy’s busy, look at this picture of her décolletage instead”

    GIF
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      dothedewa seahorse
      3/08/16 4:52pm

      I was promised decolletage.

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      a seahorsedothedew
      3/08/16 5:01pm
      GIF
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