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    AnastasiaRomanovHillary Crosley Coker
    1/25/16 5:43pm

    I feel for her and while I’m glad she got her daughter back, the state and the hospital were doing their job, which was to protect the child. I’m a pediatrician and see many parents who, to be completely honest, shouldn’t be taking care of their children without help. I’m not saying everyone with some developmental and mental challenges shouldn’t take care of children, but you need help and admitting you need help is NOT a bad thing. And obviously, she needs help.

    If you can’t demonstrate the ability to feed your child or change her diaper in a timely fashion while at the hospital, I’m sorry, I’m not going to believe that you are capable of doing it at home when no one is there to help you or supervise you. I’m not going to send that child home with you unless you can demonstrate you are capable or have the help necessary to keep the child alive.

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      SheeshTheseNamesAnastasiaRomanov
      1/25/16 5:46pm

      I agree with you, but this woman did everything she was supposed to do to get better at taking care of the baby. The answer for her is not to take her child away, but to set her up with some kind of program to teach, help, and maybe monitor her until she is competent enough.

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      HotMessFoAnastasiaRomanov
      1/25/16 5:47pm

      I think you’re completely right she needed, and still needs, help and support. But taking the baby away and only allowing her 1 hour twice a month is ridiculous. Ideally, she would have been referred for help by her OB before birth to gain some of the basics like diapering and CPR and then a home visit nurse would have been assigned to make daily visits. Or something to that effect.

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    benjaminalloverHillary Crosley Coker
    1/25/16 5:42pm

    After Dana’s placement, Sara was initially allowed to see her daughter for one hour each week with the brief help of her own mother and the supervision of a social worker.

    Why would the restrictions on visitation be so draconian? This arrangement seems more applicable to an abusive parent rather than one who is deemed unfit due to disability.

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      SheeshTheseNamesbenjaminallover
      1/25/16 5:44pm

      Exactly. Why not set her up to get as much help as possible, with people to teach her and check in on her regularly.

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      stacyinbeanSheeshTheseNames
      1/25/16 5:45pm

      Because that costs money!

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    wafflecopterHillary Crosley Coker
    1/25/16 5:53pm

    Sigh. I have a learning-disabled parent with a below-average IQ. Not 70, but not great. I have a lot of feelings about this article but I’ll sum it up with, “I think intellectually disabled people can be great parents, but they are also not always ideal parents and their children will face many, many hurdles that go beyond the parent’s ability to perform basic caregiving tasks” And so I am very, very interested to hear exactly why DCF denied her custody after she completed the particular items.

    It’s easy to think of this as a very heartwarming “I am Sam” scenario, but even when a parent with intellectual disabilities has the very best intentions, it doesn’t mean they will be able to fully “get it.”

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      Gross1wafflecopter
      1/25/16 6:07pm

      Thank you for saying this!

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      Attractive Nuisancewafflecopter
      1/25/16 6:52pm

      I suspect it had a lot to do with the grandparent’s own DCF history. It’s very true that one report can haunt you for a long time but it appears that they had a recurrent history with DCF reporting that didn’t result in the birth mother being removed from the household as a child (and maybe she was but there’s no disclosure on that) but something was happening that kept triggering reporting issues.

      It’s likely these were not addressed to DCF satisfaction but the bureaucratic morass of the system and the birthmother’s aging out of the system made the reporting moot.

      My brother is in a similar situation. He’s functional in the sense that he can pay a bill (in theory) and hold a job (in theory) but these things require him to stay on medication that keeps his bipolar disorder in check. He doesn’t consistently stay on his medication and while he can maintain a minimum level of care, shelter, and feeding for his child; he has no ability to provide a stable psychological or emotional environment and often lashes out at his child and is easily frustrated by normal child behavior that he loses his shit. The only thing that has prevented him from having the child being taken away is that he hasn’t hit his child (that we know of). We suspect that there’s potential because he has a history of domestic violence with the child’s mother but we can’t raise this issue without hard proof.

      The mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and is less fit than he is to care for their kid but does because she lives with her parents and they provide the majority of his care.

      So I totally, totally understand and I am sorry.

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    Selfie-consciousHillary Crosley Coker
    1/25/16 5:53pm

    (Sara’s parents, additionally, had a history of DCF investigation and intervention in the ‘90s, and weren’t the most fit secondary choices, either.)

    This may be more of an issue with the case than her child being removed just because of her IQ? Regardless this sucks for her.

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      AnnienonymousSelfie-conscious
      1/25/16 6:04pm

      Sara’s father may have sexually abused her when she was 4. Given Sara’s IQ, Dana is a product of rape/iffy consent. Yeah, let’s let another little girl live in that home.

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      Selfie-consciousAnnienonymous
      1/25/16 6:11pm

      Gross. I was wondering if there was more. Now I wish I didn’t know.

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    deerlady83Hillary Crosley Coker
    1/25/16 5:52pm

    If she can do daily living tasks, can read well enough to fill out forms, do money and time math, and is given some type of support, I don’t think she should have her child taken away. These should be decided on a case by case basic. There is one student I have with worked with who wouldn't ever be able to parent. She is just too low functioning to take care of someone else. She struggles with taking care of herself.

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      Official Witch of Los Angelesdeerlady83
      1/25/16 5:57pm

      ...but she couldn’t read or tell time. That was the problem.

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      Gross1deerlady83
      1/25/16 6:06pm

      To be fair, taking care of a baby is not the equivalent of filling out forms and doing “money and time math.” We need a standard that’s a bit higher than “not struggling to take care of one’s self.” (I’m not saying this situation was handled well by the state, of course.)

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    TheVageniusHillary Crosley Coker
    1/25/16 8:39pm

    Eh... I kinda feel like this article should have mentioned that her visits were not always successful. “She let the baby choke on Goldfish crackers; she didn’t hold on to her as she went down the playground slide; she didn’t grab her as she ran toward the street — even though the toddler was less than an arm’s length away.”

    There are things that can be taught like feeding and diapering. And then there are things that are not rote tasks, that require the ability to anticipate and to have prior knowledge. You can’t learn by experience with a child’s safety. So I understand why she was removed in the first place.

    It sounds as though custody was given to the grandmother eventually and they are providing the basic care. I hope they have resources in place for what happens if the parents become too sick or elderly to lead on her care. And that the child can receive tutoring and academic help at school, because it doesn’t sound as though that’s going to happen at home.

    It’s a crappy situation - we want all children to have the best start in life but we can’t take children away from people who don’t have good resources to raise children. As a person whose parents significantly impaired my development because of their own issues I don’t have a lot of sympathy for the “but I have a right to raise (fuck up) my own child!” position. It’s taken a lot of therapy and work to get on level with my peers and to be perfectly honest I believe my path is permanently altered because of them.

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      AnnieW50TheVagenius
      1/26/16 7:54am

      Sara’s parents aren’t necessarily too old. They are probably in their early 40's at most, maybe even younger.

      My little sister adopted a child and the bio-grandmother was 35, which was younger then my sister.

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      PortraitOfMmeXTheVagenius
      1/26/16 8:29am

      Love is definitely not enough when it comes to parenting. It isn't fair but there it is.

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    ballofstressHillary Crosley Coker
    1/25/16 5:56pm

    As someone who is physically disabled by a genetic condition that makes it IMO unethical for me to knowingly risk passing it on to a child (I had a daughter before I was diagnosed/had any clue), I find this to be just another extension of what I have faced in terms of wanting to adopt. My health precludes me, according to the majority of agencies, despite that fact that I am married, employed full-time, surrounded by supportive and helpful family members, and currently raising a child pretty goddamn well as it is. And believe me, that includes adopting a foster child as well. So I completely agree that “disabled parenting [is]the next battleground for disability rights.”

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      Ladyheatherlee 2016 Editionballofstress
      1/25/16 6:05pm

      The health thing when you are adopting is insane. In the interests of honesty and full disclosure, I let the social worker we were dealing with know about the anxiety that I experienced following my recurrent pregnancy losses. She said that it shouldn’t be a big problem, but I’d need to be evaluated to “ensure that I was mentally fit enough to care for a child.” I have two children already. So I fucking think I’m fit for the job. But at least I can get a professional to clear me. :/

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      Moistly.Facetiousballofstress
      1/25/16 6:10pm

      I’m really sorry that you are having that experience with adoption.

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    Pink is the new catHillary Crosley Coker
    1/25/16 6:13pm

    It was more than that she missed a feeding and had trouble with the diaper:

    In addition to having missed the feeding, Sara didn’t hold the baby safely. She seemed checked out, watching cartoons, according to a DCF account, while the baby cried.

    According to his report, Henderson believed that Sara could not keep her baby safe. In his presence, she forgot to burp the baby and to clean the spit out of her mouth; she held Dana clumsily and was uncomfortable changing her diaper.

    On Sara in general:

    She is learning to take the bus. According to an assessment done in the fall of 2014, Sara’s functioning is “borderline.” She has trouble keeping track of details — she may get “sidetracked,” as her father puts it, on the way to the store — and with processing and communicating complex ideas. She needs help interpreting the dosage instructions on the back of a medicine bottle, and she doesn’t know how big a teaspoon is. Her mother keeps track of her money.

    I mean, this baby will need medicine at some point in its life. It will need to get to and from school and other places. It honestly does not sound like this young woman is very well-equipped to be a parent. I have no doubt she loves her daughter very much. I have no doubt that her parents want to help her. But her problems and the fact that her parents have a spotty history with DCF is very concerning (the father was an alcoholic prone to angry outbursts and the state suspected Sara had been sexually abused). I’m glad she’s working hard at developing the skills she’ll need to effectively care for the baby, but I wonder if she wouldn have taken those classes at all if DCF hadn’t stepped in. This is, of course, an ethical conundrum because it’s wrong to punish this woman as she didn’t choose to be this way. I’m Team No One here.

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      AnnienonymousPink is the new cat
      1/25/16 6:25pm

      I think it’s okay to offend adults when children are involved. No child deserves to be treated like a learning experience for an adult who isn’t competent.

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      xkspPink is the new cat
      1/25/16 6:32pm

      Why does it matter if she didn’t decide to take those classes of her own volition? What that suggests is that DCF should be having unprepared parents take them, not permanently take newborns away from their parents. Also, I do think it's relevant to note that her father was an alcoholic two decades before and by all accounts has been sober ever since. The sexual abuse possibility is, of course, another issue, but we have no idea what that belief was based on.

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    spoonfedkitHillary Crosley Coker
    1/25/16 6:27pm

    My sister’s IQ is about 65. She’s very high functioning in some areas, very low in others. She does well enough to live on her own, but just barely. She forgets to take medication, struggles with simple cooking directions, etc. She actually conceived several times but miscarried. I do not believe that her body was capable of caring a pregnancy to term. As sad as this is for her that she will never have children ( she had a hysterectomy in about three years ago due to intense intense uterine bleeding - it was so bad she had to wear diapers at times because tampons or pads were not nearly sufficient ) the responsibility for that child would have either fallen onto the rest of us, her family, or it would have been a situation like this one. I feel for this woman, but it’s such a difficult and complex situation. I cannot completely blame the hospital or child services for intervening the way they did.

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      FieryAntidotespoonfedkit
      1/25/16 6:59pm

      I hear you. My brother is borderline and semi independent with a lot of family and agency support. He’s higher functioning than Sara sounds from the article (can follow directions, take the bus, handle money) and in no way equipped to raise a child. People with family members in this situation probably see this as a very complex, nuanced case with no easy solutions. I just hope there is a lot of support for them.

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      Official Witch of Los Angelesspoonfedkit
      1/25/16 7:40pm

      Why do you think Sara’s family fought so hard for her to get this kid, then? That’s the one thing I can’t really wrap my head around, especially since they’ve already admitted the majority of childcare is done by them.

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    well well wellHillary Crosley Coker
    1/25/16 6:16pm

    This is really timely for me. Right now, I have a student whose IQ is similarly low, who is minimally literate (she can read early reader books, but definitely not a newspaper), and really struggles with basic problem-solving skills. She is obsessed with having babies and being a mom. She talks about her future children all the time. I would hate for her to have a child and then have it taken away—especially because it’s such an important thing for her. But then again, I don’t think it would be right for her to be raising a child alone. Life is hard! Ethical dilemmas! What do people do?!

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      deerlady83well well well
      1/25/16 6:29pm

      I had a student who is very low mentally but not physically. I don’t think she can consent to any type of sexual relationship. Having a baby would be out of the question for her.

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      well well welldeerlady83
      1/25/16 6:33pm

      Well yeah, my girl is not competent to consent. But I don’t think that would preclude her from getting pregnant :(

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