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    VodkaRocks&aPieceofToastJia Tolentino
    1/11/16 4:59pm

    Also as a woman in tech, you have to be aggressive to get ANYONE to listen to you and get anything done.

    I decided a long time ago I would rather be considered a bitch and good at my job than have everyone love me but be the first on the chopping block because I can’t get things done.

    It’s not a decision anyone should have to make in their career.

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      burnerssanonymousVodkaRocks&aPieceofToast
      1/11/16 5:09pm

      As a woman in tech, I completely agree with this.

      And even then sometimes you have to deal with insecure people from time to time who feel completely threatened by you because you’re too good at what you do and get completely shafted there.

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      thenewcapVodkaRocks&aPieceofToast
      1/11/16 5:10pm

      It’s such a cyclical thing and some guys don’t get it. If you spend your time dismissing a group of people when they’re polite, don’t be surprised when that group becomes aggressive.

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    dalilaJia Tolentino
    1/11/16 4:54pm
    • 47% have been asked to do lower-level tasks that male colleagues are not asked to do (e.g., note-taking, ordering food, etc.)

    This frustrates me even more than ye ole tone policing of women. “Women are better at ordering food though!” “But the receptionist is a woman, and the receptionist is the one responsible for ordering food!” Go fuck yourself.

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      TheRealKnutsendalila
      1/11/16 4:56pm

      Software devs are unilaterally awful at ordering food or making lunch decisions, which is why I eat my lunch by myself almost every day like friggin’ episode 7 Luke Skywalker.

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      VodkaRocks&aPieceofToastdalila
      1/11/16 5:02pm

      On the flip side of this, I take notes because I dont trust anyone else to do it right. But everyone should take their own notes in meetings.

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    RidleyRoseRiotJia Tolentino
    1/11/16 4:54pm

    Oh yeah. Too aggressive often comes up for me.

    I was also told I was intimidating. I asked a close friend why people think that, and he said it was because I speak as if I am right and most of the time I am.

    I am intimidating because I am right. Just damn.

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      OddacctRidleyRoseRiot
      1/11/16 5:04pm

      I’ve heard the same things. I’m intimidating because I give honest feedback, aka sharing my opinion when asked.

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      LushRidleyRoseRiot
      1/11/16 5:17pm

      Yeah. I’ve been called ‘too intense’ on multiple occasions because I happen to prefer/gravitate towards leadership positions and happen to be good at knowing what I want and going for it. I’ve started turning it into a good thing (even if the commenters don’t mean it to be), since the way I see it my ‘intensity’ is the main reason why I’ve been able to accomplish my goals and have the life that I want/makes me happy.

      Basically. Fuck ‘em. They’ll come around when we’re running the show. Or else.

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    crankylittlephotonJia Tolentino
    1/11/16 4:53pm

    Yep. I’m not in tech, but I hear this regularly. To paraphrase Nicki Minaj: if you’re a man you’re a boss; if you’re a woman you’re a bitch.

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      Darius Miles in "The Perfect Score"crankylittlephoton
      1/11/16 5:12pm

      My girlfriend was once told by a middle seniority woman at a law firm that “you have to be a bitch or else no one will respect you.”

      This was horrifying for a variety of reasons.

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      burnerssanonymouscrankylittlephoton
      1/11/16 5:22pm

      I’m always told I’m kind of bitchy. So I asked my husband one day and said, “What does it mean to be bitchy when youre a woman?” And he basically said something to the extent of “ You don’t take shit from anybody”.

      So yeah, I’m bitchy or whatever else you want to call me because I don’t take shit from anybody.

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    botticelliloveJia Tolentino
    1/11/16 4:48pm

    Ugh, this is not surprising, but it still sucks. I’ve been told I that I was “hostile” (by my female boss) for disagreeing with a male colleague, meanwhile said colleague called another colleague an asshole to his face and that was perfectly acceptable.

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      Marlene Freaktrickbotticellilove
      1/11/16 5:33pm

      this. my husband got pissed at me for using a “tone of voice” and called me a bitch and thought that was the same fucking thing. Did I curse? no. Did I raise my voice? no. I just didn’t use a sweet nice voice and it’s the same as him actually cursing at me apparently.

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      miss_cheviousbotticellilove
      1/11/16 6:14pm

      A guy in my office threw something at someone in a meeting and three months later got promoted for his “passion.” I got spoken to about how I do not always maintain a “warm tone.” I think I’m going to try throwing shit.

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    Nom de pixelJia Tolentino
    1/11/16 4:52pm

    I am not in tech, but as a chemist, this comes as no surprise. The first time I remember it was as an undergrad hearing an emeritus physics professor, a woman who I am sure has gone through much more than me and internalized a great deal of it, tell me that it was OK for women to be assertive, but never aggressive.

    Now, I am never told to not be aggressive, but I do get complaints about needing to “soften” my approach.

    Let’s see—being asked to do lower-level tasks or having people assume that I was an admin or in HR instead of a research scientist with a Ph.D.—that has happened more times than I can count.

    Unwanted sexual advances from a boss—no, thank goodness the only one I had who did things like that wasn’t attracted to me.

    Afraid for my personal safety at work—yep, a couple of times. The worst was when a group of men cornered me out of sight of the security cameras while one screamed in my face that I shouldn’t be there because I was a woman.

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      zombiepandaNom de pixel
      1/11/16 5:18pm

      it was OK for women to be assertive, but never aggressive

      I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard this (usually in co-ed sports, but also in business). And the few times I’ve asked outright what the difference is, or where you draw the line, I usually get an answer like, “if you pay attention, it will become obvious,” or “you’ll figure it out.” THIS IS NOT HELPFUL.

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      twatspannerNom de pixel
      1/11/16 5:48pm

      “I shouldn’t be there because I was a woman.”
      Where the hell do people do that to chemists?! I’m sorry you had to go through that, it is very baffling.

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    CaliforlifeJia Tolentino
    1/11/16 4:53pm

    Those are terrible and expected results, right? Is anyone surprised? It is very disheartening because it’ll be that way...until the bro’s change it and, well, good luck with that. And here’s more: 100% of blacks in tech have been told... oh wait, they’re not even hired to be told anything.

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      Nom de pixelCaliforlife
      1/11/16 4:54pm

      I am just surprised that the numbers are so low.

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      AnnegretPearlCaliforlife
      1/11/16 4:59pm

      they only ones that could possibly be surprised is a buncha dudebro's who cannot understand that their "funny joke" = clearcut harassment.

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    digital_ruseJia Tolentino
    1/11/16 5:04pm

    I really miss a previous manager/team lead I had who would without fail call out anyone who put me in a “well you’re the lady so you do ____ ladywork” role in projects and meetings and things. I kind of dislike that having the male authority in the team be the one who did that made a difference, but baby steps, right?

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      fortheloveofbroadwaydigital_ruse
      1/11/16 5:19pm

      I am a lady who has been mansplaned about her tone in the past (raaage), and my favorite professional memory is from a birthday party a few years ago. Typically the senior assistant on the team would get a cake we all sing, blah, blah, and the assistant cuts the cake. This particular party the assistant on cake duty was male, and as he was cutting he was being teased for too big or too small, whatever bullshit, and he responds with “I’m a dude, how should I know” and me, being above him and a very outspoken feminist in a very male field, responded with “I’m sorry, what about you being a man makes you incapable of cutting a cake??” didn’t let him respond “and are you suggesting that a woman should be cutting the cake?” the kid basically died as all of the men were like that’s what you get, moron. Now, I don’t think I changed that little MRA’s perception but later my assistant, also a young man, came into my office and said that he wouldn’t have thought anything of the comment the other assistant had made until I said something, but now he sees how things like that are offensive. I’ll take that as a win.

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      digital_rusefortheloveofbroadway
      1/11/16 5:41pm

      I definitely think that’s a win! So many people are just condition to think “pink job / blue job” and don’t even consider why it would be exasperating to hear that kind of thing.

      I work with someone who constantly refers to the fact that he’s a dude and therefore does whatever XXX thing. So aggravating. I call him out on it all the time, but he doesn’t take it as any kind of cue to actually change his words/behavior.

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    AikageJia Tolentino
    1/11/16 4:53pm

    Cue men who want to say, “I’m a sexist douchewad who wants to continue my reign unchallenged,” but will instead go for the “This study is flawed” route instead.

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      Beet ArthurAikage
      1/11/16 5:01pm

      Yes, if they have one example of the reverse that means the ENTIRE study is bullshit. Because each man is a unique snowflake.

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      AikageBeet Arthur
      1/11/16 5:11pm

      Or, “200, pffft that’s not even 1 trillionith of the entire population of women on the planet. This study is obviously paid for by Big Women (like Big Data)“

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    Betty SlocombeJia Tolentino
    1/11/16 5:28pm

    As a woman who has worked in tech for 16+ years...yeah this article is my life. Got my first “too aggressive” lecture about 3 years into my career (by a fellow female who then hired her boyfriend for the role I was “too aggressive” to fill) and got the last one maybe a month ago.

    Or how many times I’ve been on party planning committees.

    And let’s not even get into the creepy advances. At least I’m in my mid 30s now and less desireable. Meh.

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      VulcansAreHeartbreakersBetty Slocombe
      1/11/16 5:51pm

      Oh fuck the party planning committees...yep. I got drafted into that. Me and literally every other female who works at my company.

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      FlahdaBetty Slocombe
      1/11/16 10:01pm

      Was passed over for a promotion because I was “too aggressive” to be on that team. My very next review, was told I wasn’t being aggressive enough. Can’t win. Still playin’, because fuck you.

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