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    BurlyqLawyerJoanna Rothkopf
    12/28/15 5:18pm

    I hate that we are socialized to say “I don’t wish him harm” when coming out with stories of abuse. If you don’t, great, do you. But women shouldn’t be pressured to prove a “pure” motive for sharing their experiences. You're allowed to wish that the person who raped you get hit by a bus.

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      HotforLogicBurlyqLawyer
      12/28/15 5:28pm

      You have to deny your experience while reporting it lest you get labeled “the vindictive ex”. Because bitches be crazy liars, amirite?

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      ashmagoshBurlyqLawyer
      12/28/15 5:44pm

      I actively hope for bad things to happen to my abuser. He’s married now and I carry that weight because I never did anything about it and wonder if/fear that he hurts her. The best I can do is promise myself I'd testify if she ever kills him that he is a horrible evil person.

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    amgarreJoanna Rothkopf
    12/28/15 5:14pm

    I do not like this trend of making rapists the subject of social media shaming instead of treating them like the real criminals they are. I know feel empowered sharing their stories, but somehow, it perpetuates the idea that rape is somehow a different kind of crime. If someone robbed your house, it would not be enough to “share your story” and be called courageous. The person needs to face consequences. Legal consequences.

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      jezbannedamgarre
      12/28/15 5:19pm

      The two aren’t mutually exclusive. And rape is a different type of crime.

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      ihatepickingnamesamgarre
      12/28/15 5:19pm

      But sadly, that doesn’t happen until people start openly talking about it and pushing it to happen. I agree that it shouldn’t be so hard to get rapists and abusers to face the criminal consequences but it is.

      And it's important to break through the shame and secretiveness that still exists around these crimes.

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    randilynisFINDILYNJoanna Rothkopf
    12/28/15 5:19pm

    So many bruises...

    I’ve honestly and luckily never seen anyone not involved in a car accident that bruised up. It’s chilling.

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      deerlady83randilynisFINDILYN
      12/28/15 5:21pm

      It is.

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      AllieCat ❤️'S hats on cats-is probable weirdorandilynisFINDILYN
      12/28/15 5:24pm

      So upsetting. Very brave of her to talk about her story. It's hers to share and heartbreaking that she felt for so long that telling it would hurt HIM after he hurt her so much.

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    divingmissmJoanna Rothkopf
    12/28/15 5:10pm

    I just saw her do a brief set at Meltdown last month and she was pretty open about the abuse and made a few really great pointed jokes about how we treat victims. Love seeing her use comedy to make herself feel stronger. Also, her ex sounds like a grade A asshole.

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      AllieCat ❤️'S hats on cats-is probable weirdodivingmissm
      12/28/15 5:20pm

      I love meltdown. It’s so intimate that I feel like comedians can try out some really personal stuff. I used to live a block down the street and I miss being able to just walk down on a whim.

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      divingmissmAllieCat ❤️'S hats on cats-is probable weirdo
      12/28/15 5:25pm

      I really love comedy and see a lot of shows; while I respect her desire to not name her abuser, I want to know who it is so that I never pay to see him.

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    Kate DriesJoanna Rothkopf
    12/28/15 5:13pm

    I saw Beth in the totally fun and irreverent play Five Lesbians Eating a Quiche in Chicago a few years ago and she was delightful. Check out her work for sure.

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      ChiTheaterGirlKate Dries
      12/28/15 10:20pm

      Holy crap, I didn’t realize she was the same person. I saw that show, too! She was phenomenal.

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    viciousliesJoanna Rothkopf
    12/28/15 6:12pm

    I am so glad she’s speaking out. The feeling of having to hide your experience for fear of looking weak, like an idiot and/or pathetic is so strong and something I’m still dealing with years after divorcing my abuser.

    I was “lucky” (:-/) that I only experienced indirect physical violence (e.g. plates/glasses smashed on the floor at my feet, a TV remote thrown past my head to smash into the wall behind me, him kicking in my car window while I was inside, etc.) along with his horrifying verbal abuse. When I first tried to blog about it (complete with pictures of the aftermath of his acts of destruction) we were still divorcing and he threatened all kinds of financial ruin if I didn’t take it down, as well saying “now I know why people kill their spouses instead of just getting divorced.” But now, years later when he can’t hurt/threaten me financially or physically (or even know where I live), I still only talk about it with two close friends because I’m so embarrassed and feel so stupid for staying with him so long.

    Kudos to you, Beth Stelling. It feels inspiring to see another person speak out about this and gives me a little more courage to speak about my own experience.

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      Veronykahviciouslies
      12/28/15 7:34pm

      Talk about it. I was with a guy with BPD for 3 years, he was emotionally abusive and I am the sort of woman that NO ONE would believe would end up in a relationship like that.

      I make a point to tell people or post things just so people know it can happen to ANYONE. It’s not because you are stupid, or weak or naive...it was an eye opener for me even. People who haven’t experienced being with someone fucked up can’t understand unless you tell them. I sure have a different perspective now than I did before I met him.

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      yilichiyaoviciouslies
      12/28/15 8:17pm

      Thank you for sharing. Im so sorry you went through that. I’ve been in 2 relationships where things like what you described happened to me. And I just left the second one 10 days ago. I feel so relieved. Its awful and scary and I’m sorry. Sending you big hugs.

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    Formica DinetteJoanna Rothkopf
    12/28/15 5:33pm

    I just ask that you consider me when you talk about your ex because everyone knows who you’re talking about.

    What a charming fellow.

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      Lily412Formica Dinette
      12/29/15 11:57am

      Translation: “I know I’m an asshole and that people would be pissed if they knew.”

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    EnVee65Joanna Rothkopf
    12/28/15 5:56pm

    They’re always so convincing when they’re trying to keep us quiet about what they did. And every single person who asks judgey “Why did you stay?” questions just enables abusers, because that makes a survivor reluctant to speak out. That guy deserves condemnation for his abuse, and good for her for not minimizing what happened to her just to make others feel more comfortable.

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      viciousliesEnVee65
      12/28/15 6:22pm

      And every single person who asks judgey “Why did you stay?” questions just enables abusers, because that makes a survivor reluctant to speak out.

      THIS. All of the this.

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      literacystrumpetviciouslies
      12/29/15 4:19am

      THIS. People also forget that leaving (or attempting to leave) can be *more dangerous* than staying. There was a recent (brilliant) documentary on here in the UK about all the women murdered by their partners or ex-partners in 2013 (86 in a year was the figure, if memory serves). They showed photographs of all the women and a short sentence giving their age and how and why they died. I didn’t keep count, but I’d say at least half died because their murderer either knew or suspected they were planning to leave.

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    CaliforlifeJoanna Rothkopf
    12/28/15 5:13pm

    I hope she is okay. And I hope her friends who know the rapist shares his name and that his comedic world and professional life comes crumbling down and leads to jail.

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      LandycakebossCaliforlife
      12/28/15 5:38pm

      It already happened. Dude’s name is Cale Hartmann.

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    zicodashJoanna Rothkopf
    12/28/15 5:22pm

    I think people should know that his name is Cale Hartmann. Why should we know the name of the victim but bestow anonymity to the abuser?

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      Kim Jong's Angstzicodash
      12/28/15 5:30pm

      Talk about a punchable face.

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      TeamFullFatBaconKim Jong's Angst
      12/28/15 11:14pm

      He just looks like a punk-ass motherfucker who needs a swift kick in the dick.

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