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    CtrlAltDefeatMadeleine Davies
    12/18/15 8:38pm

    For some weird reason, my father told me that if you cut off your belly button, your butt would fall off. This fucking fascinated me, and I would spent way too much time thinking about what the inner workings of the human body could possibly be to make sure a thing happen.

    I was far too old by the time it suddenly hit me, “wait, that’s not true!”

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      Snacktastic Part II: the Snack AwakensCtrlAltDefeat
      12/18/15 8:45pm

      That made me laugh out loud for real.

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      JujyMonkey: Clever tagline goes hereCtrlAltDefeat
      12/18/15 8:45pm

      This made me laugh. Like the body is some weird Rube Golberg-esque machine. Thank you for this gift.

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    Mrs. BeetonMadeleine Davies
    12/18/15 9:28pm

    When I was about six, we came into the possession of some baby rabbits that a neighbor had found. Oh, how I loved those bunnies. We fed them and loved them and named them and everything.

    So when I came home from school one day to find them gone, I was devastated. Mom told me they had all grown up and were old enough to be on their own, so she set them free. I never got to say goodbye.

    Fast-forward to me being, like, TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. Somehow the rabbits came up, probably along the lines of “Speaking of weird things you did, Mom, how come you set those rabbits free...when...oh god, all three when I was at school?”

    “Yep, all three while you are at school. Just now figuring it out?”

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      DontBeSuchaBoobPunchTinaMrs. Beeton
      12/18/15 10:11pm

      I don’t get it. They died? She killed them? Fed them to a neighbor’s snake? What?

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      ChocolateChipWaffleMrs. Beeton
      12/18/15 10:26pm

      ...it seems like you are implying your mom killed three baby rabbits, which...why would someone do that and then blithely tell their child that?

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    FrauBlucherMadeleine Davies
    12/18/15 8:44pm

    I attended a fundamental baptist middle school (ankle length jean skirts, chapel, no pop music, etc) and I distinctly remember a “science” class where they had to do some major mental gymnastics to support a literal biblical interpretation of science. Fossils are a lie from Satan, carbon dating is a trick by scientists to get you to believe their agenda, and, my favorite, people in the bible lived to be 900 years old because there was an extra canopy of oxygen in the atmosphere before the flood destroyed it and shortened the human life span.

    When you’re in seventh grade and don’t know shit about science, you’ll pretty much believe whatever the “expert” is telling you.

    I didn’t realize the canopy theory was a lie until I was in my 20s, watching Bill Maher’s “Religilous” in a movie theater. I literally gasped aloud when I realized it was all horseshit.

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      Tupiniquim - white cat with hands is all of usFrauBlucher
      12/18/15 8:53pm

      You got out of all this. Now consider there are grown-ass adults who not only propagate this kind of BS but fervently believe it.

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      DontBeSuchaBoobPunchTinaTupiniquim - white cat with hands is all of us
      12/18/15 8:57pm

      Good point.

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    LOREM IPSUMMadeleine Davies
    12/18/15 8:37pm

    That I can make myself straight.

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      adultosaur married anna on the astral planeLOREM IPSUM
      12/18/15 8:44pm

      xo love u

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      LOREM IPSUMadultosaur married anna on the astral plane
      12/18/15 8:50pm

      Love you too! I believed that one hard for about fifteen years and it caused a lot of pain and strife. And then my eyes were opened and I decided to live my life the way I was meant to. And now me and Cindymoo are inseparable.

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    Nomadic DecMadeleine Davies
    12/18/15 8:40pm

    I believed for a good many years that I was indeed the first person to see—nay notice—my baby brother on the day he was born. My mum let me hold onto that one for a significant time, probably because I was so excited, and had cried at Christmas the year before because Father Christmas hadn’t brought me the brother I wanted.

    Speaking of which, I believed in Father Christmas wholeheartedly until I was twelve and the only reason I found out was because I went downstairs for some water and inadvertently came across my parents wrapping presents in the living room. I was crestfallen and in shock for quite a while, moreso than I should have been at that age. My parents had to calm me down and we discussed it for a several hours.

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      adultosaur married anna on the astral planeNomadic Dec
      12/18/15 8:47pm

      i don’t remember learning santa wasn’t real, but i have SUCH A CLEAR MEMORY of going out to the living room one christmas and seeing presents and literally saying to myself ‘he came’ and then going to get my mom.

      i also was like omfg mommy santa and you have the SAME HANDWRITING

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      Nomadic Decadultosaur married anna on the astral plane
      12/18/15 8:54pm

      I genuinely did the exact same thing pretty much every Christmas. I’m really glad my parents indulged those fantasies, because as a consequence Christmas is still the most magical and my favourite part of the year. I love going out and choosing Christmas presents for family, particularly when my brother still didn’t know and I could help. As a consequence, I’m feeling really rotten this year because I haven’t got anything for anyone as I’ve been really ill for the past month, and frankly the stress of falling behind on work, and the guilt is getting to me. I know my family won’t even care or expect anything, but it’s one of the few times of the year I get to show my appreciation in person and I feel awful.

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    JenisaurusRexMadeleine Davies
    12/18/15 9:04pm

    My best friend (I swear I’m not just trying to save face!) believed that chocolate milk came from brown cows until she was in her early to mid teens.

    She just told me this gem a few months ago, and it just slays me. So cute. Even after ten years of friendship and quasi-brain sharing, there’s still new stuff to learn.

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      Rihanna is the one trueJenisaurusRex
      12/18/15 9:09pm

      I thought as a kid that before color video, the whole world was in black and white. Not just movies.

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      DontBeSuchaBoobPunchTinaRihanna is the one true
      12/18/15 9:30pm

      Oh! Did you also believe in the little radio people? I DID.

      Probably not past about age three, but hey, I remember it!

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    Socks Are My Favorite ClothesMadeleine Davies
    12/18/15 8:44pm

    I was 10, which means my older sister was 13. I saw her and mom in the bathroom together a lot. And I was all WTF is this about? And more importantly, what am I missing out on?

    After spying on them for 2 months, I realized it had something to do with some things called Kotex Pads that were stored under the bathroom sink. I was determined to figure out this mystery.

    Me at Thanksgiving dinner, with the entire extended family present: “I am thankful for this food, and my friends and family, but I don’t know what Kotex pads are for so....”

    Later that night, my mom pulled me aside and told me that Kotex pads were for clumsy people who spilled gravy and chili and diet coke on themselves. My sister was terribly clumsy, and Kotex pads are super absorbent, after all. I read that part on the package. This made sense.

    At 12 years old, I had to confront my mom about her hideous lies. That bitch.

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      deerlady83Socks Are My Favorite Clothes
      12/18/15 9:10pm

      When one of my cousins got her period for the first time, she freaked out when she realized that it was going to happen again next month. She basically said wait this is going to happen again? Yes, cousin this happens again.

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      Socks Are My Favorite Clothesdeerlady83
      12/18/15 9:12pm

      Spilling chili on yourself forever. Yes.

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    Cocopop!Madeleine Davies
    12/18/15 8:44pm

    My dad told me that cows have shorter legs on one side than the other, so that they can stand on hills and not fall down. He also told me that the leaves he was smoking were “Turkish Tobacco.”

    One time the neighbor kids were bragging that they were Irish Catholic. I didn’t know what that meant, so I went home and asked my dad what we were, and he explained it all to me.

    The next day I told the neighbor kids and their mother that we were Oakies and Hypocrites.

    Miss you, daddy!

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      DontBeSuchaBoobPunchTinaCocopop!
      12/18/15 8:47pm

      Ha, I’ve heard that Turkish tobacco one too, and completely bought it as a child!

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      Rihanna is the one trueCocopop!
      12/18/15 8:55pm

      My friend’s dad used to grow weed next to his tomato plants, and one of the first times he smelled weed somewhere else, he went, “It smells like my dad’s tomato plants!”

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    Tom Servo's mechanical heart, Flat Earth TrutherMadeleine Davies
    12/18/15 8:39pm

    I am so god damned gullible i can’t even remember all of them. Most recently, JUST THIS WEEK, a coworker emailed to say her kid was reciting a poem at his school for the Christmas pageant and that “it would be on CNN.”

    I legit checked CNN.

    He was not on CNN.

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      Tupiniquim - white cat with hands is all of usTom Servo's mechanical heart, Flat Earth Truther
      12/18/15 8:46pm

      I laughed at this.

      And I feel bad now.

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      ideasleepfuriouslyTom Servo's mechanical heart, Flat Earth Truther
      12/18/15 9:28pm

      Did she give any more context than that? Was her kid’s school like, Sandy Hook, or something, or was the poem just that awesome that CNN was covering it?

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    Selfie-consciousMadeleine Davies
    12/18/15 9:10pm

    I’m the liar.

    I told my sister that brussel sprouts were aborted Cabbage Patch Kids.

    Yeah I’m a dick.

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      MargieBonzSelfie-conscious
      12/18/15 9:16pm

      That is probably the best fuck up a kid lie I have ever heard.

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      ideasleepfuriouslySelfie-conscious
      12/18/15 9:31pm

      Don’t feel too bad. I hear there’s a major US political party that tells a variation on that same basic lie all the time now.

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