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    2DollarzBrendan O'Connor
    12/16/15 8:41pm

    My hedge fund party was at the Knights of Columbus hall and featured some weird band that only sang about pizza. Oddly, the KofC served chicken wings, which was a total marketing synergy miss (I’m looking at you YUM brands). I did wake up with a sweet arm sleeve tattoo of the cool pope boning the Virgin Mary, so Merry Fucking Christmas.

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      toothpetard2Dollarz
      12/16/15 8:45pm

      Ours was pretty exclusive.

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      2Dollarztoothpetard
      12/16/15 8:46pm

      It got better...

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    filthynipplesBrendan O'Connor
    12/16/15 8:45pm

    My hedge fund party was held inside a boot that has been and will be stomping on a human face forever.

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      Brendan O'Connorfilthynipples
      12/16/15 9:06pm

      Sounds a bit on the nose imo

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      2DollarzBrendan O'Connor
      12/16/15 9:29pm

      His name is filthynipples, not imo

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    dothedewBrendan O'Connor
    12/16/15 10:29pm

    Citadel, Viking, Cerberus...I am just waiting for a hedge fund to name itself Rape and Pillage Partners, LLC

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      XrdsAlumdothedew
      12/17/15 12:26am

      Only a matter of time before a quant nerd with business sense gets his own shop and names it Mordor Capital Partners ("Our Eye is on All Market Trends")

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      dothedewXrdsAlum
      12/17/15 12:31am
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    Sid and FinancyBrendan O'Connor
    12/16/15 10:09pm

    Hedge Fund Manager woke the next morning feeling a different man — feeling as he had never felt in his life before. For after all, you know that what he had seen was no more than a dream; he knew that Tiny Tim was not dead, and Hedge Fund Manager was resolved that Tiny Tim should not die if he could help it!

    “Why, I am as light as a feather, and as happy as an angel, and as merry as a schoolboy!” Hedge Fund Manager said to himself as he skipped into the next room to breakfast and threw on all the coals at once, and put two lumps of sugar in his tea. “I hope everybody had a merry Christmas, and here’s a happy New Year to all the world!”

    And then Hedge Fund Manager said, “Fuck that shit. Kids die every damn day,” made a killing on credit default swaps and hired Maroon 5 to kick some handicapped orphans.

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      XrdsAlumSid and Financy
      12/17/15 12:21am

      You forgot the part where Martin Shkr-ooge raises the price of Tiny Tim's medication 5000%.

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      EL34Sid and Financy
      12/17/15 6:42am

      Yep, on the nose.

      These folks all need an up-close and personal lesson in efficiency...

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    Jerry-NetherlandBrendan O'Connor
    12/16/15 9:43pm

    Party like it’s 1929, boys.

    GIF
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      BenDover,EsqJerry-Netherland
      12/17/15 6:29am

      Great clip! Song?

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      Jerry-NetherlandBenDover,Esq
      12/17/15 11:23am

      It's Joan Crawford in Our Modern Maidens (MGM, 1929), her last silent film, so no particular song!

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    ReinventedBrendan O'Connor
    12/16/15 10:09pm

    Our hedge fund was a bit of a failure this year. We only raised about $300, and could only afford a squat row of boxwood. We had the party at my place. We had about $25 left over after buying the plants and some refreshments, so we were able to hire Richard Grieco and Lindsay Lohan for a live sex show. And that was so disgusting that no one ate any of the refreshments, so I’ll be enjoying re-heated jalapeno poppers for breakfast for at least two weeks.

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      DiaboliqueReinvented
      12/17/15 2:47am

      Something sounds fishy about your story. If it was true, I’m sure Grieco and Lindsay would have negotiated in their contract to keep the extra jalapeño poppers.

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      ReinventedDiabolique
      12/17/15 7:18pm

      Richard did want the poppers, but I was able to talk him into taking a plate of cold Hot Pockets instead. Lindsay didn’t have any interest in food; she held out for a half-bottle of Robitussin to be squirted directly into her rectum.

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    KinjaBot4000Brendan O'Connor
    12/16/15 9:41pm

    1. Both firms you pointed out were celebrating milestone anniversaries

    2. You’re presuming that the firms themselves paid for the parties rather than the partners of those firms (which is quite common in situations of down/average years but still wanting to motivate their people and celebrate being together)

    3. One of the two firms you cited had a great year

    4. If you don’t provide an example of a firm that has both a shit year and an extravagant party paid this is pointless

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      Cyrils-cashmere-sweater-vestKinjaBot4000
      12/16/15 9:59pm
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    ishouldbeworkingBrendan O'Connor
    12/17/15 12:09pm

    Not a hedge fund, but I work for a Fortune 500 company in one of their several legal departments as an attorney. The company is, among other things, basically a holding company for many MANY many MANY investments and we’re doing very well. At our Christmas party, there was a single older dude with a guitar singing Christmas songs, and we weren’t allowed to bring dates(!), but there was an open bar, a decent hors d’ouvres buffet and a raffle where I won a red wine basket. Due to the open bar, I made the mistake of jokingly complaining to my equally drunk boss (who I’m not overly close with) about the whole “no plus ones” situation and he basically said I should be grateful for my job and stop complaining, and how hard he had to work to get to where he is and how kids these days are so ungrateful, and explained in detail why I didn’t get a bonus this year. Because I was drunk, I involuntarily teared up because I didn’t even really care about the whole date thing, and I didn’t expect his reaction, and we ended the exchange awkwardly. He apologized the next day, and so did I, and we agreed never to speak of it again. I’d give it 1 out of 5 stars except for the wine basket, which bumps it up to 2 out of 5 stars.


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      ThatGuy524Brendan O'Connor
      12/17/15 1:09am

      “Santa Claus impersonator”

      Anyone raise an eyebrow to this?

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        A House In VirginiaBrendan O'Connor
        12/17/15 1:21pm

        ...isn’t this when you officially cross the boundary between “star” and “sellout”?
        I’m reminded of heterosexual actor Hugh Jackman missing his kid’s performance in order to MC one of these atrocities.

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