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Socks Are My Favorite ClothesMadeleine Davies
12/11/15 8:27pm
Right after my divorce was final, I traveled back home for Christmas. A few old friends found out that I was in town and wanted to meet up for dinner and drinks.

Dinner and drinks turned into dinner, drinks, and more drinks at the bar. I hadn’t seen these people in forever, and it was nice. We spent time talking about how much fun we had in school and all the crazy things we did.

One of the people who joined me was my school’s HS quarterback. I had a crush on him for as long as I could remember. We hung out in the same group, but he was always attached, and I was always that girl who felt like I was a little too nerdy to be in the popular group but they liked me anyway. Anyway, I never pursued him but probably gave him lots of forlorn looks and googly eyes that he nicely ignored while we were studying or otherwise hanging out.

And he was paying attention to me! And giving me that look. You know, THAT LOOK. He was still very handsome, very fit, and (for the first time in our friendship) very single. It was heady, and kind of just what I needed after my divorce, since I spent most of the last few years of my marriage feeling like I was never noticed.

As everyone was saying their goodbyes, he asked if I wanted to stay and have another drink. We did. We flirted. We touched. We looked. We touched some more. We went to his house. I AM GOING TO FUCK THIS MAN SO HARD TONIGHT, I thought.

And that is exactly what happened. Unfortunately, he didn’t fuck me all that hard. In fact, he had trouble staying hard for more than a few minutes. This was NOT what I needed to happen right after my divorce. He kept apologizing and saying he had been having some problems lately and his last long-term girlfriend left because of it and his doctor said it might be because of his drinking (and he had about 6 or 7 drinks on this night) and OMG SHUT UP, ROBERT.

I mumbled some apologies and what I hoped were soothing words. As I was getting dressed to leave, his roommate came in. His roommate, Alan, who I didn’t know was his roommate but did know as the best sex of my life for 6 months during my sophomore year of college. Small towns.

Alan looked at me. “Did you ever dump that guy you dumped me for?”

“I just divorced him,” I said. I was dying from embarrassment, and still only half dressed.

“Oh wow, and you got limp dick Robert as a post-divorce fuck?”

“It’s all okay, it was great. Robert, I had a great time, but I havetogonowtalktoyoulaterbyeeeeeeeeeee.”

Cringe.

Anyway, Alan and I hooked up before I left town. And it was exactly the post-divorce sex I needed. Twice.
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  deerlady83Socks Are My Favorite Clothes
  12/11/15 8:31pm
  At least Alan delivered.
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  beth_steelSocks Are My Favorite Clothes
  12/11/15 8:34pm
  Good for you! Alan sounds fun, and like a perfect rebound fling.
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Kastle, Queen of . . .Madeleine Davies
12/11/15 8:51pm
By “Holiday” do you mean the Good Friday when I hooked up with super hot Alex? Or the Easter Sunday when I met him at the family brunch and learned he was my dad’s half-sister’s son?
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  murkydismalKastle, Queen of . . .
  12/11/15 8:53pm
  Oh no. Oh nooooooo. No no no nooo.
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  VonQuesoKastle, Queen of . . .
  12/11/15 8:55pm
  I ACTUALLY GASPED OUT LOUD
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Tupiniquim - white cat with hands is all of usMadeleine Davies
12/11/15 8:31pm
Mine was a quasi-hookup, but bear with me. These dudes who lived together in a house while attending college were close-knit so they had a “post-Christmas” in February, in one of the dudes’ ranch in the countryside. I was invited by my BFF, one of the dudes’ girlfriends, and I was newly single, so I went. There was this one guy who I thought was kinda hot but awkward. It was his parents’ ranch. As we cleaned up his dad’s bar and played cards we got closer and closer - and drunker and drunker. Then we laid by the pool and he tried to show me the constellations he was seeing (he couldn’t really see anything) he tried to kiss me - I buried my face in the grass because I didn’t want to do something I wouldn’t remember later. He got kinda pissed and when I changed my mind and wanted to do stuff he locked himself in his room. I was beyond drunk and angry he had “shunned” me and banged on his door while screaming insults laden with the f-word.

We ended up getting married. 12 years and going strong.
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  LILLADYLIZTupiniquim - white cat with hands is all of us
  12/11/15 8:37pm
  LOVE IT
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  Rihanna is the one trueTupiniquim - white cat with hands is all of us
  12/11/15 8:40pm
  it was fate!!!
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Feminist KittenjoyMadeleine Davies
12/11/15 8:30pm
I don’t have any great hook up stories to share because the one (1) opportunity I’ve had to hit it with a non-boyfriend guy, I totally chickened out.

The closest I come (heh heh) to a story for this contest is the sad pride I felt for years because I’d had sex with my boyfriend in the same room as my parents while we were all at the coast for New Years Eve. Now that I’m closer to my parents’ age, all I can say is EW! I can’t imagine how nasty it would be to accidentally hear your daughter spoonfucking her bf. :/
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  NewPhoneWhoDis(SantaClausa)Feminist Kittenjoy
  12/11/15 8:42pm
  Omg, I’ve done that with family in the room before. Now that I’m older, I’m soooooo embarrassed about it. Sorry parents!
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  LILLADYLIZNewPhoneWhoDis(SantaClausa)
  12/11/15 8:46pm
  Who HASNT done this
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randymanMadeleine Davies
12/11/15 10:32pm
My takeaway from all of this is that going to McDonald’s can never make a situation better, and is highly likely to make a grim situation worse.

It’s remarkable how many of these stories involve memories permanently scarred by “and then I went to McDonald’s.” It’s like the post-coital cigarette of the modern era, and even worse for you.

Plus fluorescent lights.
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  DontBeSuchaBoobPunchTinarandyman
  12/11/15 10:55pm
  I literally shuddered at “fluorescent lights.”
  
  Sometimes they’re just fine, but after a night of heavy makeup and bad decisions... nooooooo!
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  Dalismoustacherandyman
  12/12/15 1:31am
  I’m amazed too. It even transcends nations (I live in the other side of the world from the USA)....I mean I have to have Mcdonalds after questionable or disappointing sex. It’s like the law or something
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Bears for PresidentMadeleine Davies
12/11/15 8:39pm
I like to call this one “Culture Clash”.

So I’m knee-deep in my most treasured holiday, Jewish Christmas. I hit all the checkpoints. Morning schmear to end all morning schmears, not one but two movies and then enough Chinese food to kill a moose(I guess if you dropped it on his head?).

Anyhoo, on my way back home I stop in at a nearby convenience store and run into a guy. A cute guy. A cute guy I know a little(we’ll call him Seth). And we get to talking and despite my heroic food intake I still manage to seduce him with my tried and true “Want to go back to my place and hang out and stuff?”

So we go back to my place to hang out and stuff and after the stuff, I’m all “Hey, want to watch Christmas movies/basketball and then also more stuff?” and Seth says “Nah, I’ve got to get going for Christmas dinner at my sister’s.”

Now, it’s at this point I should mention that I thought very much that Seth was a fellow Chosen person. Both looks wise and name wise(which wasn’t Seth but something similarly Jew-y, Bible-y), he very much gave that impression(also, he was out and about on Christmas).

So we laugh about our misunderstanding and then he, being a nice guy, says “Hey, want to come to Christmas dinner?” and I’m all, you know, yes. Because he said “sister’s” and he himself was a pretty cool dude I was thinking, you know, a fun and festive atmosphere with other cool people and hopefully free booze(also, to be super honest, I was good to eat again).

Anyways, it turned out that dude was actually from a fairly religious family. And it was a pleasant, if quiet, get together with aunts and uncles and little ones and I sort of realized pretty quickly I had no business being there as I had to artfully dodge questions about how I knew “Seth” because “Well, I don’t know him very well but I liked him from the few times I saw him because he wore great shirts and I just banged the hell out of him” is probably a faux pas even beyond the gayness.

But I did get free booze out of it so...win-win?
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  LILLADYLIZBears for President
  12/11/15 8:46pm
  Are you calling him Seth because of your celebration of chrismakkah like the OC?
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  Bears for PresidentLILLADYLIZ
  12/11/15 8:49pm
  No. I was just struggling to come up with a first name that makes you think Jew but isn’t necessarily Jewish that wasn’t:
  
  A) My name
  
  B) His name
  
  C) Any member of my family’s name
  
  D) The name of anyone else I banged
  
  It was tough. I come from a big Jewish(but not too Jewish) family and I’ve banged my fair share of dudes.
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VonQuesoMadeleine Davies
12/11/15 8:32pm
I got nuthin’ cause I’m a humbug, but I’m here for the stories.

GIF

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  deerlady83VonQueso
  12/11/15 8:37pm
  I got nothing, too. The closest I have is at my dad’s holiday party that lasted 24 hours and no family was allowed. They had to burst up the people doing drugs and oral sex in the bathroom. Next year no 24 hour party and family was allowed.
  
  Although my dad won an Xbox 360 for me at the first Christmas party. I had that thing for years before it died.
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  IAMRU2deerlady83
  12/11/15 9:14pm
  I don’t have anything either. My partner and I have very non-embarrassing holiday sex, and he’s the only one I’ve ever had holiday sex with, which is a total bummer for the purposes of having a cool story to tell.
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Snake PersonMadeleine Davies
12/11/15 8:13pm
Home for the holidays in 2009. Have recently completed my first college hookup. Am feeling accomplished and worldly. Decide to actually go to “the channel” aka a creek 20 min away from our hometown where my classmates drank in high school while I read and googled Expedia fares.

Yeah, my classmates were there. Yeah, attractive ones. Yeah, I got more attention and started thinking about what might have been had I not been so inwardly-focused in high school. No, I didn’t hook up with any of them.

Nah, it had to be the grimy, hangs-out-with-the-high-schoolers, will-never-leave-******ton, skoal-ring-in-the-back-pocket, beer-belly-at-24, carhartt-khakis-every-damn-day dude I never particularly liked. I think I just knew I could, so we awkwardly hooked up. He made me change positions every two minutes, I’m not actually sure if he made it in, and he had a pity party when I didn’t come.

And then, to add insult to injury, my deflated, smelling-like-dick self got some Mickey D’s to make myself feel better about the situation. My former youth pastor was there, and I’m pretty sure he could see/smell the sin stamped all over me.
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  deerlady83Snake Person
  12/11/15 8:16pm
  
  GIF
  
  Just own the sin.
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  NetflixandNapSnake Person
  12/11/15 8:32pm
  He loved the high school girls. He got older and they stayed the same age.
  
  I hate that “I smell like sex and poor choices” feeling. I swear it feels like a neon sign over your head.
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CtrlAltDefeatMadeleine Davies
12/11/15 8:35pm
Both the holiday and the embarrassing come at the end of this story.

Travelled with friends to see a Beastie Boys concert. We took a lot of acid, and after the show, walked to the store to buy condoms, orange juice and film (this was the early 2000’s). At the hotel, my boyfriend and two other couples had a massive orgy, taking lots of pictures that prominently featured the communal sharing of one another and a 3 gallon jug of OJ.

I saved some of the pics in what I thought was a well-hidden place (pro tip: there is no such thing).

Fast forward 6 months later. It’s Christmas morning and my little brother finds the pictures and promptly brings them to my dad.

I’ve honestly blocked out most of the “conversation” that followed as it was easily the most humiliating experience of my life. I’m not even sure what he thought was worse, the sex (featuring my closest friends he knew) or the drugs (even dads know what OJ means), but I was definitely not allowed to live there anymore.
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  deerlady83CtrlAltDefeat
  12/11/15 8:46pm
  
  GIF
  
  I’m cringing for you.
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  DontBeSuchaBoobPunchTinaCtrlAltDefeat
  12/11/15 9:02pm
  Your brother is a diiiiiiiicckkkk.
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Rando CalrissianMadeleine Davies
12/11/15 11:26pm
Similar story, similar outcome (except no sexy friend came through) to I created a burner account for this’s story.

Was mad about someone for months and months on end, we worked within 8 ft of each other every day of the week and went out drinking with the same crowd every night and I had made every explicit overture I could. I would sit at work near him and hold my breath in case I breathed too loud in his gorgeous presence. I adored the guy. He was hilarious, handsome, smart, and he had a certain introverted quality that translated to mystery. Plus he had a delightful accent, which is something I have a severe weakness for (I categorize my exes by nationality). Whenever I would flirt with him or make eyes, or do something suggestive, he would signal a yes but never actually follow through.

Finally, after much campaigning, he walked me back from a holiday drinking party and we danced in a car park behind my apartment building as it snowed and finally, finally, we kissed and after this beautiful, peaceful, romantic moment, in the 1am quiet in a dead college town, I got him upstairs. By the time my sweater came off I was already at the apex of arousal. And the sex was rubbish. It was the worst sex I’ve ever had in my life. All three times. I don’t know if I have a cavernous vagina or what the deal was (I actually think my vagina had tented from so much arousal by that point it was a fucking circus tent with clowns bicycling around juggling in circles and laughing at me). I remembered the horrible misogynist moment in Family Guy when Stewie asks a prostitute, “so... is it like throwing a hotdog down a hallway down there?”. My perfect man who I had pined after for 146 days and 11 hours was the hotdog. My treacherous vag was the hallway.

To his credit, when I asked if he wanted to meet up again for another attempt—my spirits were crushed, this man was perfection and I wanted it to still work out—he said, and I quote, “Rando, there’s only so much failure a man can take.” Bless him. I’m sure he’s married the beautiful woman he started dating the following year and I wish him all the best. I continue to eke out an uneasy alliance with the treacherous vag.
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  DontBeSuchaBoobPunchTinaRando Calrissian
  12/12/15 1:11am
  I cannot tell you how much I admire your fearlessness in this account.
  
  And I’m so sorry it didn’t work out. It sounds like you and he are both lovely people, it was just a mismatch physically. That SUCKS when that happens.
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  raincoasterRando Calrissian
  12/12/15 4:21am
  I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you do. But I hope you have a book deal, because I will buy that book. Damn, girl, you’re an amazing writer.
  
  Also I’m sure your vagina is lovely and taut. He was just not capable of handling you.
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