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MadScienceTeacherTracy Moore
11/22/15 2:27pm
I still kick myself for being too young to know how not ok the harassment I experienced at the restaurant I worked at was. Instead, I quit because I started having panic attacks.
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  icallshannanigansMadScienceTeacher
  11/22/15 2:39pm
  Jesus, the restaurant industry. I’ve had ~20 jobs and the only ones I've been harassed at were restaurant jobs. Like, all of them.
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  acornMadScienceTeacher
  11/22/15 2:56pm
  Ugh, yup. My first job was awful and the skeezy owner only hired young (high school aged) girls, which should have been the first red flag. But he used to always stand so effing close and follow you around so that it became nearly impossible to not “accidentally” bump into him at least once a shift. And, like, the excuse to place his hand on the very low part of your back as he was “excusing” himself to get by was disgusting. The day after he told me that my ass looked good (this man was easily in his late 50s if I’m being generous and I was 15) was the day I went home and made my mom call and quit for me. I just could not bring myself to even speak on the phone. And of course he tried to lay into her about not raising a responsible child and doing my “dirty work” for me and allowing me to shirk my responsibilities and letting people down, but she would have none of it. I mean the gall of that fucking sicko.
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welllahdeedahTracy Moore
11/22/15 2:49pm

GIF

GIF

GIF

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  Rosevkietslewelllahdeedah
  11/22/15 2:52pm
  God I love that movie, and all the actors in it. Lily Tomlin is so interesting and a true pioneer for lesbians living openly. And Dolly Parton! Talk about someone living life her way and doing tons of good along the way.
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  Yoga Nerd, Maybe Deadwelllahdeedah
  11/22/15 3:02pm
  
  GIF
  
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TheGamer597Tracy Moore
11/22/15 2:29pm
I had a girlfriend years back. Who’s boss at the office would ask her to take off her shoes every day. At first she thought it was because he didn’t want the employees to dirty the floor. But she noticed no one else had to do it. A few weeks went by and while he was in the rest room she went into his office to get the TP reports and noticed something on the bosses monitor. It was pictures of her feet! She quit after that and had him reported.
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  JeffersonMurderTheGamer597
  11/22/15 2:32pm
  
  GIF
  
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  HankTheGamer597
  11/22/15 2:36pm
  I’n starring the fact that she had his ass reported. Not the feet photos. Christ, that's messed up.
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Unfrozen Caveman LawyerTracy Moore
11/22/15 3:09pm
I had to leave my very first job at a pizza shop when I was 16 due to the 28-year old manager sexually harassing me. It started off as nothing—putting me on the prep shift when it was just me and him at 10 am before opening, joking around, being friendly. Then, he would do that creepy shoulder rub thah only dudes of this caliber know how to do; he asked me if I was a virgin; told me one morning that be badly needed to get his dick sucked; made a comment to a driver about liking the view as I bent over to pick up pizza boxes. I didn’t drive just yet, so my dad has to drop me off and pick me up from work. One day I had enough and just quit. I got in the car and told my dad (who had no idea what was going on) and he was furious at me. He later only found out when another girl I worked with ran into him and told him what was going on. He went straight to that pizza shop and threatened to chop off the managers dick if he ever saw him near me again.
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  OtherKate8Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer
  11/22/15 3:20pm
  oh jeebus the unwanted shoulder rub...who amongst us hath not received one of those (shiver shiver hurk)?
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  usedtobehereUnfrozen Caveman Lawyer
  11/22/15 3:49pm
  Even though the feminist in me gets her hackles up at a man going in and physically threatening another guy for being a gross-ass creeper, there’s something about a dad doing it that’s sweet. Protective rather than possessive, maybe that’s the difference. Either way, hearts for your dad.
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yfunkTracy Moore
11/22/15 2:34pm
I’m obese, as are a few other women in my office. The GM of my company sees fit to comment on my lunches and all the lunches of the women in the office. All. The. Time. Telling us how proud he is of us when he sees us with a salad, and lecturing us when he sees us with anything else.

The kicker? His daughter is totally fatter than I am , but the way he raves about her and tells everyone how beautiful she is, you’d think she was this model who puts Gisele to shame. Nope. She’s not even conventionally pretty, and is just as loud and obnoxious as her father. But still, she’s this paradigm of a woman that he lords over us.

Oh, and he also steals other people’s food and hides it in his corner office, even though he’s the highest paid person in the office.
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  anyah8sbunniesyfunk
  11/22/15 3:08pm
  I’m fat, and I’ve been losing weight in the last few months... my female boss congratulates me all the time on my weight loss and on how hard I’m working and my food choices.
  
  It doesn’t make it any better when it comes from a woman.
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  jemandthehologramsanyah8sbunnies
  11/22/15 3:15pm
  While obviously you’re not feeling it this way, do you think she’s trying to be supportive? Or is it just condescending or judgey? I feel like food politics in the office are soooooo fraught with judgement: why aren’t you eating the birthday cake? why are you eating the birthday cake? you’re just having a salad?
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TheFilthyGoatTracy Moore
11/22/15 2:34pm
During my time at Trader Joes, they would occasionally hire teenagers who worked less hours and had some restrictions on what they could do for work. One of these teenagers was a very attractive young woman. One day, one of my co-workers told me he knew her 18th birthday was coming up later that month and was planning on “trying to hit that.” I straight up told him, “That is fucked up. Please do not do that. It will only end badly for everyone involved.” I then went and told her to be on guard for him. Luckily, he took the hint and never pursued it.
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  The Noble RenardTheFilthyGoat
  11/22/15 2:41pm
  Ugh, remember how back in the day there were like, countdown clocks for Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen turning 18? STILL NOT OKAY.
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  JeffersonMurderThe Noble Renard
  11/22/15 2:45pm
  I remember seeing those for Natalie Portman and Avril Lavigne too.
  
  Turbo-barf.
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randilynisFINDILYNTracy Moore
11/22/15 3:01pm
I had a very weird experience with that. I was a bond trader in the 80’s. I had started as an assistant and shortly after hiring me my boss started calling me to go to the movies or dinner. Finally, on advice from my dad, I met with him and basically said “if you hired me to date me, well , that would be a disaster and we would hate each other forever in a short time. But if you let me learn and work I’ll be hard working and loyal and we’ll be successful together”. He agreed to back off, and in a brief time I had managed to start trading my own position and not long after that we became partners. The truth is though, he NEVER really stopped being verbally offensive. With comments and rude gestures (tongue motions and comments about my weekend etc). What was super weird though was that he also NEVER EVER made any kind of physical contact with me at all. I mean if we passed in the hallway he would suck up his “prosperous girth”. He would put his hand on the back of my chair and not even brush my shoulder. Not a hug or a handshake in 9 years. I don’t know what it means, but back then I just thought the crudeness was a silly show of dominance that didn’t cost me anything? (Though I feel badly about saying that now)
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  Otto LipschitzrandilynisFINDILYN
  11/22/15 3:25pm
  Yeah, if you’d been a guy he would have made a ton of gay jokes at your expense I bet
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  SpohndrerandilynisFINDILYN
  11/22/15 3:27pm
  Honestly, that just sounds like a bond trader. Very few of the ones I know have a clue about how to interact with other humans. Like throwing a chimp into a colony of bonobos.
  
  Yhat being said; It sounds like you handled it seven kinds of right.
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feldaTracy Moore
11/22/15 2:44pm
As per usual, do not read the comments. Standard “why didn’t she just say no”, “that’s what you get for wearing that shirt” and “this is why we can’t have women in the work place”.
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  Bobby Burnsfelda
  11/22/15 3:09pm
  Yeah I went wading through the grays to see more stories and found a lot of standard comments like that...
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  OtherKate8felda
  11/22/15 3:25pm
  Definitely do not read the comments on the NYTimes piece, urrrk. Because why would you dream that you could be treated like a real human being in 2015?
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On-Wednesdays-We-Feel-MalaiseTracy Moore
11/22/15 3:40pm
I was hired into a high end photography studio. My degree is in art and gallery management and I was brought on to sell sessions with the photographer— his clientele included mayors, celebrities, whatever. I quickly found out that he had a secret side business making “erotic art” which TBH was straight up porn. So I’m on my first week of work, about to bring in my own clientele (I’ve worked with a lot of country music celebrities), and I’m told that I’m going to get my own session of photographs for his portfolio/ for myself. “Fun!”, I thought. Fun, indeed. I came in on a Sunday to have my session and there was no hair or makeup team. There were no assistants. He locked the door and put me on the studio set. And then he began trying to convince me to undress. I quickly realized that I was alone in a vacant studio district (no one will hear your screams, etc.) and this guy didn’t intend to do a portrait, he wanted to make erotic art. He kept saying that he wanted to “stroke my yonni” (ick), and that he wanted to know how I could have so much confidence when I had a belly (fuck you). I felt like I was being molested and it was being filmed and I couldn’t get out because the studio locks from within and he had the keys. I ended up crying the entire time and tried to disappear into the set. I was so afraid for two hours. Finally at the end of it I grabbed my shit, took off, and went straight to the police who told me that he didn’t do anything illegal. Suffice it to say I never returned. When I got home I was totally catatonic for days. I was so hurt because I had earned that position and his perversion took it away. I’m unwilling to sacrifice my dignity for a job, whatever it is. Gah, that was such a bad experience. I was so humiliated because I came to that session wearing my finest business casual— I felt like a consummate professional and left feeling like I was nothing. That no matter how hard I work I'm just a sex object. I fell apart significantly. The is something so terrifying about the way some artists will completely hurt women.
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  DontBeSuchaBoobPunchTinaOn-Wednesdays-We-Feel-Malaise
  11/22/15 3:54pm
  That is petrifying. Jesus.
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  usedtobehereOn-Wednesdays-We-Feel-Malaise
  11/22/15 3:56pm
  I’m so sorry you went through that. I would have been scared shitless in your shoes :(
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Eight-Bit HeroTracy Moore
11/22/15 6:04pm
So I’m the manager of a scientific and technical team and I’m a man. My team consists of myself, two men, and three women. I’m proud that my team is equally represented between men and women.

On rare occassions, I do try to think about whether things I’ve done or said might be misconstrued in a way I hadn’t intended.

For example, last week one of my employees was wearing very striking dark orange/tan/purple striped leggings under an overcoat. It was a very fashionable look, and I thought she might be wearing it for the company Thanksgiving party we were having mid-day. I saw her and said, “you look festive!” She took it well and said, “that’s what I was going for!” But on second thought, I could see how that could be interpreted as me commenting on her in an unwanted way.

I think this kind of thing shows that it’s a fine line that can sometimes be difficult to navigate. While I don’t want her to think I’m judging her fashionability, I also don’t want her to feel that I don’t notice when she’s actually trying to be festive for the group.

I think one issue is that managers in general are often not trained how to interact with different types of people. As in, it may feel natural to a person that people shouldn’t squeeze each other on the shoulder for encouragement or talk about others’ fashion, but without being told that some people are sensitive about such things, a lot of people (both men and women) go through life oblivious to this.

I’m not excusing that type of behavior. I, for one, actually took a couple of classes and read a couple of books on managing people when I started management that helped me to understand how to appropriately interact with employees. I think not taking learning those types of skills could easily lead to inappropriate interactions (even mostly benign interactions like those in Tsui’s story—despite being mostly benign, they were still inappropriate).
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  Writer4003Eight-Bit Hero
  11/22/15 8:56pm
  It’s cool that you’re taking an initiative to educate yourself on this issue. I think managers using their time in that way could help make office environments more comfortable for everyone.
  
  If you ever need a quick rule of thumb to pass on to an employee or colleague, though, I’ve found this question to be useful. “Would you say that to your daughter?” or “How would you feel if someone else said that to your daughter?” See, I wouldn’t feel strange if someone said I looked festive. Most men wouldn’t feel strange about someone telling their daughter she looked festive. Most fathers would feel comfortable telling their daughter she looked festive. So no worries.
  
  Unfortunately, a lot of men are at a point where they must relate all women to a man in some way for that woman’s feelings to be important. A woman shouldn’t have to be someone’s sister, daughter, mother, or wife to be heard, but often, that’s what gets through to people most quickly.
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  roofburgerEight-Bit Hero
  11/23/15 10:09am
  So to be clear, you’re worried about people “misconstruing,” things you say as offensive (as opposed to be concerned you inadvertently said offensive things), and acknowledge that some people are “sensitive,” and also think that the appropriate way to refer to an unwanted comment said by you, is to call it people “interpreting” the situation as you commenting on people in unwanted ways. Nothing sticks to you!
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