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    adultosaur married anna on the astral planeZoha Qamar
    8/21/15 2:07pm

    excellent. thank you, zoha.

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      Andrew Daisukeadultosaur married anna on the astral plane
      8/21/15 2:11pm

      completely agree.

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      HotMessFoadultosaur married anna on the astral plane
      8/21/15 2:13pm

      She is going places that’s for sure.

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    MarillenbaumZoha Qamar
    8/21/15 2:22pm

    Even our educational methods—the “Harkness” skills, honed in 12-person discussion-based classes—put a premium on forceful assertion, but in some cases, also just on the loudest voice. Students at Exeter develop an independence and self-righteousness that can be productive and freeing, but also entitled and dangerous.

    This is so true. I work in higher ed, and I’ve visited Exeter, and interviewed dozens of students who attend it and other peer institutions. Overwhelmingly, these students are used to being praised for taking a decisive, highly personal stance on an issue. Frequently, they aren’t used to being called out for unconscious biases or intellectual laziness. Whatever merits the Harkness method might have in developing student confident, its serious weaknesses in encouraging critical examination are real, and as this piece shows, have troubling consequences in and out of the classroom.

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      WW4Marillenbaum
      8/21/15 2:43pm

      Totally agree. My child’s school uses this method in some discussion-based classes, and up to 25% of your overall grade is based on how much you speak up in class. As in, you can get 100% on every paper and test and still get a C in the class if you aren’t vocal enough. It’s an aggressive atmosphere, and terrifying for the introverts.

      Also, fantastic piece overall.

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      MarillenbaumWW4
      8/21/15 2:49pm

      It’s a terrible system. Yes, students need practice in group work, and in taking part in discussions, but there is a better way. My high school English teacher did a really great job of making sure we all took part in class—part of which was telling the bossy know-it-all types (yours truly) to shut up, because other people existed in class, too. It’s important to get kids to speak up—but it’s just as important to teach them how to listen, too.

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    TrumanChipotleZoha Qamar
    8/21/15 2:32pm

    This was very well-written and is tremendously important in the discussion of rape culture. I have to say though - as an alumna, I’m a little uncomfortable. I know what the hookup culture is like at St. Paul’s, and what it’s like at other “elite” *cringe* schools (from friends), but using Exeter as a prime example of elitism feeding into entitlement feeding into assault isn’t accurate, isn’t right to me. It’s easy to make a joke about our motto - non sibi, or not for oneself - that forcibly making something yours is anathema to our purported creed. As a feminist, as a victim of assault, and as a person aware of the Internet, I value her sentiments a lot and I applaud her efforts to increase discussion about rape and effective ways to prevent it. It feels important to say, however, that (without colonizing her experience) Exeter should not be The Example, The Catalyst for that discussion.

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      FitzroseTrumanChipotle
      8/21/15 3:31pm

      Why not? No, I ask this honestly: Why not Exeter? It may be contrary to the school’s purported creed, but it sounds like it’s a problem anyway. There is no school where “We love rape” is the motto, so why not discuss Exeter?

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      TrumanChipotleFitzrose
      8/21/15 4:15pm

      Maybe I should have given a tl;dr (and I say that with a clipped tone): because I went there, and because I know the culture, and because I understand it as an institution. Because I have peers who have attended similar institutions who have freely and candidly given me context.

      (I should not have to say ‘but’-) But I love this community of snarky e-feminists. I’ve dedicated a lot of time and intellectual bandwidth to it. And I feel it’s important to stand up and say that the general sentiment behind this piece is important, but to also to clarify that Exeter is not a Mecca for douchey almost-Rockefellers who feel they can put their dicks wherever they want. Exeter is exceptional not because its endowment is such-and-such or because it’s referenced for clout in Gossip Girl - Exeter is exceptional because it’s a community based on discussion, on intellectual capacity, that does not prioritize financial privilege or male entitlement. I’ll put my neck in a guillotine on a feminist website to vouch for that.

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    Tom Servo's mechanical heart, Flat Earth TrutherZoha Qamar
    8/21/15 2:18pm

    I guess this means I’ll have to stop bragging about my breakthrough journalistic triumph during high school, which took the administration to task over not letting us eat lunch outside.

    But in all seriousness, this is amazing.

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      ACunningStuntZoha Qamar
      8/21/15 2:22pm

      Very well written. I’m sad to hear that the rape culture I experienced in the late 90’s has changed so little. I did not attend a boarding school, but I did attend an elite private school in the Southeast from 7-12th grade. I had similar interactions with our headmaster and principal following my own sexual assault and subsequent bullying and blame by my peers. I noted that the popular belief that a girl who gets drunk is “fair game” for a hookup, regardless of what she wants, was morally reprehensible. The reaction I got was total surprise that students “of our caliber” would behave in that way. I think there is a general reluctance to admit that teenagers are not only sexually active, which is a perfectly normal part of development, but that silence around issues of consent and alcohol consumption only contribute to rape culture.

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        MarillenbaumACunningStunt
        8/21/15 2:25pm

        People so want to believe that “good kids” are incompatible with sexual assault. Just because someone is an honor student/team captain/youth group leader/Boy Scout, NONE of that means that they are not capable of committing sexual violence. It’s a shameful form of denial, and one I’m so sorry you had to experience firsthand.

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        ACunningStuntMarillenbaum
        8/21/15 2:29pm

        Absolutely. We need to dispense entirely with the idea that “good kids” don’t have sex generally. It closes off the discussion both between teenagers and adults, and also within teen peer groups. Even good kids make mistakes, do stupid things, and have misconceptions about what is acceptable behavior - not that violence is ever excused. Adults need to be proactive about telling kids what is and is not ok.

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      The Real UnsharerZoha Qamar
      8/21/15 2:23pm

      Zoha, thank you very much for being willing to speak up and speak out about rape culture and sexual assault.

      I asked about bringing up sexual assault at the beginning-of-the-year dorm meeting, but were discouraged, as “not to scare younger girls about something that probably wouldn’t even happen.”

      As a former educator, my blood boiled at that. Teaching students about consent and sexual assault isn’t scaring them — it’s educating them. By not teaching students about consent, schools hurt their students and allow rape culture to flourish.

      What disappoints me more is how schools would rather ignore the problem or attack the symptoms than actually do anything to help prevent sexual assault. There are countless bystander intervention programs, programs about consent, etc. that are readily available. There’s no excuse for refusing to use them.

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        ExeterZoha Qamar
        8/22/15 11:59am

        Ms. Qamar’s assertion that Exeter is turning a blind eye to an important issue like sexual assault is simply wrong.

        To the contrary, we work hard to give our students the tools to understand, discuss and address sexuality issues – including sexual decision-making, sexual consent, sexual harassment, sexual assault and sexual identity. These tools include required courses for all students, elective courses, workshops intended to promote critical thinking around sexual issues, assemblies focused on social and sexual issues, special support for at-risk students, adult-supervised clubs focused on sexuality and social issues, and access to on-campus mental health and medical professionals.

        We teach our students, starting in their freshman year with a required class, to understand the implications of sexual activity, to recognize the difference between healthy sexual behavior and unhealthy behavior, to recognize the signs of harassment or assault, and to take appropriate action to prevent inappropriate sexual behavior, harassment or assault. And, it doesn’t stop there – our teachers and administrators are constantly learning more and working with our students to ensure that we continue to maintain a healthy living and learning environment.

        It is a reality that teenagers are curious. It is also a reality that they often are still developing the personality skills, such as judgment and empathy, that ideally would go with their sexuality. Their parents, their families, and, yes, their educators all have a role to play in helping teenagers develop the ability to deal with sexuality responsibly and in a healthy way and we do take our part seriously and meet it head-on.

        M. Mischke
        Dean of Students, Phillips Exeter Academy

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          crazyhorse13Exeter
          8/22/15 3:45pm

          Oh shit my alma mater has a kinja account

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          TrumanChipotleExeter
          8/23/15 2:41pm

          Seconded. This is legitimate Kinja.

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        RedStateBlueWomenZoha Qamar
        8/21/15 2:37pm

        73 percent of young women on campus consider themselves at a disadvantage based on their gender; only 12 percent of men viewed women as such.

        Can I ask, what context is the “disadvantage?” In sexual relationships or some other manner? Women have graduated high school and college at higher rates than men for 30 years now. Women are not at an academic disadvantage in America, but this statement didn’t make clear what disadvantage was being discussed.

        My closest guess is at a disadvantage in hook up culture at Exeter, but its not entirely clear.

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          The Noble RenardZoha Qamar
          8/21/15 2:20pm

          Very well-written piece, Zoha. Having never attended a boarding school, the closest I can come to imagining what it’s like is to think of how crazy everyone’s raging hormones were when I went to camp at ages 13-15, and then combine that with an academic environment, and I can only imagine what a potential disaster that would be without any sort of meaningful efforts to fight against rape culture and all that it entails.

          You're fighting the good fight!

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            MessO'Espresso is a noodle-bodied slothZoha Qamar
            8/21/15 2:18pm

            Thank you Zoha for your outstanding piece here and for taking action back at your school. I’m sure we’ll hear more of your accomplishments in the future!

            P.S. So saddened, yet unsurprised, that the first Dean she spoke to expressed sympathy for the rapist at St. Paul.

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