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    UncleCCClaudiusHamilton Nolan
    8/07/15 9:14am

    Howard Schultz is the man who can finally put the US on the metric system. He’s managed to get nearly everyone to call a large cup of coffee a venti*.


    * The ones that do are snotty baristas correcting us, but I digress.

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      LwlockUncleCCClaudius
      8/07/15 9:22am

      That’s the only starbucks size that remotely makes any sense.

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      ohh-75UncleCCClaudius
      8/07/15 9:27am

      I refuse to use Starbucks lingo. Still.

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    Wishbone of ArcHamilton Nolan
    8/07/15 9:02am

    lol. Has this joker ever even separated conjoined twins?

    No?

    Didn’t think so. Next.

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      Maryland_IN_ExileWishbone of Arc
      8/07/15 9:10am

      Correction: Siamese twins.

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      Galeria Nacional de ClipArtMaryland_IN_Exile
      8/07/15 9:39am

      Exactly. Saying “conjoined” is political correctness run amok.

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    Sara-Slaughter607Hamilton Nolan
    8/07/15 9:25am

    “Even” part-timers with healthcare?

    What does this guy want, a fucking medal? Please.

    “Hey, look at me... I’m a billionaire doing MORE than I’m legally required... how awesome am I???”

    Fuck off.

    He's about as qualified as Trump. Which is zero.

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      shifySara-Slaughter607
      8/07/15 10:02am

      Very few are actually qualified and the few that probably have the right qualifications have zero chance of ever becoming president. A few years as state senator passing nothing of substance followed by a a few years in the senate passing nothing of substance doesn’t make you qualified to be president, just that you have a great ability to get a better and better job every few years.

      Our current political system pretty much guarantees this will continue. Hopefully one of these years we’ll get a transformative politician that will be required to run as a third party candidate due to the ridiculous primary system and will blow things up

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      Sara-Slaughter607shify
      8/07/15 10:21am

      Certainly.

      For me, (and I’m sure I’m not the only one...) this shit comes down to us having to entertain the possibility that someone is going to give HRC a run for her money when it comes down to the wire... (I don’t foresee that happening, but stranger things...) and I’m trying to figure out who’s the LEAST shitty of the lot of them.

      I can’t get on board with even remotely supporting a bid for any one of them, but I’m going to be a tiny bit happier if the *least* right of the group wins a bid for general...

      Why, I don’t know. It’s not like whoever is in there is going to make a shit bit of difference, but.. Oh, I don’t know, to reduce the international embarrassment if nothing else?

      Trump, Walker, and Cruz are absolute jokes of human beings. I want to barf on my shoes.

      I’m actually rooting for (GOD I can’t believe I’m saying this..) Rubio a tiny, tiny bit in the dark place of my black heart.

      And in the end, it's neither here nor there. But damn, it's fun to watch!

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    Sean BrodyHamilton Nolan
    8/07/15 9:09am

    What will you do to unite all of us?

    It’s a decent enough question. We’re polarized to fuck.
    Political debate more and more resembles an internet comment section.
    I’d like to think there’s a way forward to get agreement and compromise happening in government, but I have a feeling that this is just how it is now.

    So, good for you, Howard, for asking. But we’re already fucked.

    I’m not done serving at Starbucks.

    Can you leave a note for the next server? If I ask for a ‘large, hot, black’ I think I’m making it somewhat clear that I don’t need space for milk or cream, so you don’t have to ask me every time.

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      LwlockSean Brody
      8/07/15 9:20am

      saying “no, thanks” sure is a burden.

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      BlisterinaSean Brody
      8/07/15 9:26am

      If I ask for a ‘large, hot, black’ I think I’m making it somewhat clear that I don’t need space for milk or cream

      Right? When did “coffee, black” become so hard to decipher?

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    Rom RombertsHamilton Nolan
    8/07/15 9:18am

    Friends, I am business. My suits? Yes, they are. I care for the friends who handle coffee, giving them boons on boons on boons until they swell with gas and depart for success. I am iconic and I have branded the fabric of America with my soft feelers. You now believe me to be your president. I am not. I am brands. I am the coffee fountain. I cannot preside. I will not preside. I must fill the oceans with dream coffee. When the mountains vibrate with need, I will stand on a stage and preside as a president with a suit. You have demanded it, and so it shall be. I will rebrand you all and place you in an orbit around excellence.

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      sukatraRom Romberts
      8/07/15 10:03am

      “I care for the friends who handle coffee, giving them boons on boons on boons until they swell with gas and depart for success.”

      Best sentence ever.

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      LenasUnderpantsRom Romberts
      8/07/15 10:31am

      I often think about over-eating. It’s strange that I never have. Each bite of my mustard-only double-cheeseburger is so good that I reel in the aftermath.

      The meaty goodness obliterates my soul as much as it secures it. I am a bell, incapable of vibrating any more vigorously. If I rang with any more force I don’t know that I would remain a bell—I don’t know that the air could stand me.

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    Alvin Tostig's SonHamilton Nolan
    8/07/15 9:05am

    What will you do to unite all of us?

    Can people stop asking that facile, bullshit question? It always comes from the mouth of the non-disenfranchised. It has no meaning.

    For most people who ask this question, “unity” means being happily cocooned in their bubble, and for women, gays, people of color, and the poor to stop being so angry about their lesser rights.

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      flamingolingoAlvin Tostig's Son
      8/07/15 11:58am

      Agreed! It’s odd how many people in politics don’t seem to understand that democratic politics is precisely about conflict. People with different interests clash and compromise and don’t compromise. It’s the nature of the beast. If you are seeking to get rid of conflict in favor of “unity”, then you’re really after the North Korean model.

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    StenchofaburnerHamilton Nolan
    8/07/15 9:01am

    If he is true to his principles, he would request that the cardboard voting ballots for his list spell his name “Hogwarths Zwchuls”. It’s only fair to the rest of us.

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      Suspenders fewStenchofaburner
      8/07/15 9:20am

      Hogwarths Zwchuls sounds like a hoopy frood.

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    CatdogWhispererHamilton Nolan
    8/07/15 9:16am

    People have been venti-ng to him a lot lately, and he can smell trouble brewing. He roast to the top of his company for a reason, everyone knows he’s well grounded. That said, it seems people want a candidate these days with no filter, and that’s an awful latte ask of a coffee man.

    Frappuccino.

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      dothedewHamilton Nolan
      8/07/15 10:30am

      which one of you has been fucking with Howard Schultz by telling him with a straight face that he should run for president?

      A: Bill Clinton

      But alas, it is not to be. Howard has a more important mission, to change the world through ubiquitous (and apparently mediocre) coffee.

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        ArkHamilton Nolan
        8/07/15 10:40am

        Business experience and personal wealth are not applicable to public office. People like him are the problem, and that problem won’t be solved by putting them in office.

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