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Rom RombertsJ.K. Trotter
8/10/15 11:08am
My father is a retired person. He earned enough cash credits during his most hateful years to become free from the job market. He lives on the cusp of an emerald green twist of golf course plopped down in the searing Arizona desert. I imagine the water never stops pumping to keep that slice of exotic grasses of varying lengths alive. Anyhow, he uses a good chunk of his cash reserves to attend a Bill O’Reilly success camp each year. He’ll fly out to San Diego and huddle on a beach waiting alongside fellow campers. There, in the pre-dawn glow, these successful, retired men who live at the edges of shimmering desert hallucinations wait, faces contorted with child like joy, for Bill O’Reilly to emerge from the salty spray of the Pacific ocean and beach himself there on the sand. Once O’Reilly heaves his mind-shattering mass onto the beach, the fathers and ex-husbands of the world begin walking, as if in a trance, into O’Reilly’s yawning maw, an endless pink and black and white cave. They live inside him as he rides the warm ocean currents to his ancient spawning grounds. The camp is two weeks long and it’s the only thing dad ever wants to talk about anymore.
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  newsratnessRom Romberts
  8/10/15 11:38am
  this needs to be longer.
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  miketheburritoRom Romberts
  8/10/15 11:40am
  This is really beautiful. Thank you.
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j4x_J.K. Trotter
8/10/15 10:53am
Everytime my father is watching O’Reilly I remind him that his hero is a wife-beater.

He calls me a lying liberal and continues watching.

I am willing to bet my life that a video of Billy-boy slapping his wife silly wouldn’t change his opinion on the matter.
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  TheOldCapj4x_
  8/10/15 11:00am
  He’d justify it somehow; “they deserved it” or some shit.
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  Francoisj4x_
  8/10/15 11:01am
  We have an infinite ability to ignore facts that interfere with what we want to believe.
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Medieval KnievelJ.K. Trotter
8/10/15 10:47am
But you know who the O’Reilly kids didn’t see Bill choking and dragging down the stairs? That’s right: Christmas.
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  ReverandRichardWayneGaryWayneMedieval Knievel
  8/10/15 10:50am
  Christmas was busy in the trenches that winter, the fighting was particularly fierce along the Wal-Mart front.
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  TheExtra404Medieval Knievel
  8/10/15 10:54am
  SIR!
  
  you have made me spill a little bit of coffee this morning. I LOVE MY COFFEE!
  
  Great comment though.
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dvdoffJ.K. Trotter
8/10/15 11:00am
I had O’Reilly in my car recently. He hopped in with another client and asked for a ride back to his hotel. He has a very wide stance when sitting and was in a big hurry at ten at night.

A wholly unremarkable ride except for the fact that I kept thinking the whole time...”Gawker commenter takes scumbag TV host for long ride off of short pier”.....
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  seeyadvdoff
  8/10/15 11:10am
  That’s when you need a James Bond spy car where you can slide up a glass divider and poison gas attack your passengers.
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  Chipseeya
  8/10/15 11:24am
  Ejector seat
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BobbySeriousJ.K. Trotter
8/10/15 11:00am
Bill O is one of those guys that you just know flies off the handle and gets physically violent....with people weaker than him of course.
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  cepalgBobbySerious
  8/10/15 12:45pm
  Yet another plug for a book you should not read, Bill O’Reilly’s god-awful Those Who Trespass. This wonderful review covers most of it.
  
  You know Colbert’s Tek Jansen series, starring Definitely Not Stephen Colbert, featuring Definitely Not Stephen Colbert’s Fantasy Validation? Yeah, that’s yet another direct shot at Bill O’Reilly. Those Who Trespass stars Definitely Not Bill O’Reilly and features him brutally and graphically murdering his way across literally everyone who has ever annoyed Definitely Not Bill O’Reilly over the course of his career, from the guy who first called his reporting on the Falklands into question to that fucker across the floor from him at Not Fox News.
  
  Meanwhile, Also Not Bill O’Reilly, a tough-talking irish cop with an identical physical description, is trying to stop him. But he grapples with a difficult question- should he be trying to stop him? After all, all of Not Bill O’Reilly’s victims totally had it coming.
  
  Also, the sex scenes are fantastically god-awful, featuring our big-titty female lead getting the unprecedented joy of getting to fuck both Not Bill O’Reilly and Also Not Bill O’Reilly. The techniques involved are, ah, hilarious.
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  Wigwagcepalg
  8/10/15 1:18pm
  I’m guessing there are no shower scenes, though. With falafels OR loofahs.
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gramercypoliceJ.K. Trotter
8/10/15 10:55am
Here’s hoping his kids are testifying that O’Reilly once ridiculed his ex-wife’s menstrual flow.

For Fox News viewers hearing he did that would be like when you try to untie a knot in your shoelace only to realize you’ve made it worse and you have to mentally calculate whether it’s easier to just buy a new pair of shoes.
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  dothedewgramercypolice
  8/10/15 11:19am
  Red tide goes in, red tide goes out, you can’t explain that.
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  MaryTylerMoore'sHairFlipgramercypolice
  8/10/15 12:44pm
  These people won’t care. There will be some sort of excuse or a forced amnesia.
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razezarJ.K. Trotter
8/10/15 11:00am
I usually avoid any Fox news media like the plague, but today I was surfing various articles about that horrible shooting where six kids died. It took me to read the redneck comments section before it occurred to me that I was on the Fox website. Those commenters are the same audience who look upon Bill O’Reilly as the cornerstone of teleprompt reading.
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  NewYorkCynicrazezar
  8/10/15 11:15am
  I check Fox News once a day on most days. I find the most benign looking article I can, click it and scroll to the comments section. It’s always an absolute train wreck that makes the YouTube comments section seem intellectual.
  
  And the racism. Holy shit the racism. They don’t code their language the way most neocons do either. They just find creative ways to spell racial slurs to get passed the automatic moderation system.
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  razezarNewYorkCynic
  8/10/15 11:21am
  If I was to have guessed the site just from comments section alone, I would have assumed it was Stormfront or something like that. Sure I only skim read for maybe a minute, but EVERY comment was either blatantly racist or strongly alluding to it. And somehow I think Fox are perfectly okay with that.
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goldgoldergoldestJ.K. Trotter
8/10/15 10:57am
Bill O’ can gag on deez nuts.
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  HiMyNameIsJayAgaingoldgoldergoldest
  8/10/15 11:05am
  HA! Got eem!
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  blackandblueburgergoldgoldergoldest
  8/10/15 12:11pm
  Sick burn!
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ShyWicklowJ.K. Trotter
8/10/15 10:52am
And yet I gag whenever I see O’Reilly with no order at all, go figure.
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HaighaJ.K. Trotter
8/10/15 11:08am
Good luck in getting a 16-year-old to follow a gag order, especially if she’s understandably pissed off about something.
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