Kinja reply list

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FuckTuckerTuckerSucksJay Hathaway
1/23/15 4:48pm
TRUE STORY!!! This is real:

I used to manage a boutique on Madison Avenue in NYC. Fancy pants designer. My assistant mngr was a drinker and coke head and used to come late all the time to open up on my days off.

One day in May, he was late to arrive to open at 10am and my staff was waiting outside on sidewalk for entry. One staffer had to go #2. Long story short, after he did what he referred to as "the Michael Jackson" on the sidewalk..moonwalking, twirling, twisting and contorting to hold on and hold it in, his bowels gave way and down his trousers came a series of meatball-sized shit nuggets, spilling onto the Avenue at 67th street. My assistant mngr came around the corner at that moment - a moment too late - and opened up...a week later the pooper was fired for poor sales performance.

Three months later, another salesman shit his pants out front (powder blue linen) waiting for my assistant to open. His shit was more liquid. He was fired three weeks later for poor sales.

Six months later, a THIRD salesman shit his pants IN the store while working with a client! He was NOT fired, but DID blow that particular sale.

Moral of the story: there isn't one.
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  LastUnderstoodFuckTuckerTuckerSucks
  1/23/15 4:56pm
  I want my 20 seconds back.
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  sunstrokedFuckTuckerTuckerSucks
  1/23/15 5:12pm
  Sounds like the local deli needs to be avoided.
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SyscrushJay Hathaway
1/23/15 4:15pm
I don't know when I've felt so much admiration for someone who's done something so disgusting.
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  YessirSyscrush
  1/23/15 4:22pm
  Shitting his pants like a BAWSE!
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  SyscrushYessir
  1/23/15 4:24pm
  Continuing to run despite what must be serious physical discomfort and unimaginable psychological/emotional discomfort. AND finishing 21st!
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alaskaguy81Jay Hathaway
1/23/15 4:31pm
Earnest runner comment that totally misses the point:

The man ran a 1:09 half *while* shitting his pants. That is an incredibly respectable time. It is, in fact, a pace of 5:19 for 13.1 miles. I think that's the real story here.
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  Ghostbearalaskaguy81
  1/23/15 5:07pm
  Could projectile diarrhea be used to accelerate?
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  Medieval Knievelalaskaguy81
  1/23/15 6:01pm
  Meh. You should have seen the guy who was #2.
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His Royal DaintinessJay Hathaway
1/23/15 5:00pm
Paula Radcliffe stopped on the course and dropped a deuce en route to winning the 2005 London marathon.

She didn't get it all over herself like this poor gentleman, but it did happen in view of the fans and on live TV.
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  TommyRockerHis Royal Daintiness
  1/24/15 12:58am
  
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  silver_starHis Royal Daintiness
  1/24/15 11:36am
  I don't remember her name, but there was a woman who won the Boston marathon maybe fifteen years ago who crossed the finish line with both shit and period blood running down her legs. Hard. Core.
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Patrick FrawleyJay Hathaway
1/23/15 5:30pm
Greg LeMond had the same thing happen during a Tour de France stage in '89. He won that stage. And the whole Tour.

This is the difference between elite athletes and the rest of us. We'd understand that something is very wrong and stop. These guys win - or at least finish - first and then deal with what happened.
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PopChipsJay Hathaway
1/23/15 5:03pm
I was 37 when my twins were born and well past my prime, if I ever really had one. One afternoon, to my astonishment, this really handsome guy was looking at me as I carried my infant son in my arms while walking through San Francisco.

Just as I was beginning to feel like a million bucks, I realized that handsome man wasn't looking at me so much as he was staring because my baby had just taken an explosive sh*t that was overrunning his diaper and leaking onto my clothing.
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gramercypoliceJay Hathaway
1/23/15 4:34pm
Ekvall used to be very embarrassed about his half-poopathon, and angry at the Embassy Suites in Göteborg for tempting him a "free" breakfast of raisin bran and sausage on the morning of the race. But realizing he didn't have a catheter and Kaiser insurance, he decided pooping himself in public wasn't the worst thing he could imagine.

I mean, it's been done before.

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NY2TXJay Hathaway
1/25/15 3:26pm
1997, best friends birthday, binge eating the day before and have a weird pooping issue that caused me to have poop anxiety and I wouldn't be able to go until I REALLY had to go.

So I had spent the last week filling up and the night before I ate like a dozen wings and a half pizza...I was a fat ass 8 year old!

So the party starts with pizza followed by running playing laser tag.

Of course as soon as I start running the pain comes and I make sure I run right towards the other team and the all shoot me so I run into the house and unleash....premature and a tiny blast coats my underwear.

So I sit and and unleash and fill the whole toilet up. It's horribly foul and the fan can't help.

I try and try to flush and then finally get it down tbe toilet..phew crisis averted...squish. OMG I forgot my underwear was covered!

What do I do! Oh! I'll bag my underwear in a garbage bag and throw it in the garbage and go free ball!

Bad mistake. My friends mom goes into the bathroom and smells something foul and can't figure it out.

My other friend was a ADHD cyclone of annoyance. He always screwed things up for me. "OHH ILL FIGURE IT OUt! Oh I love mystery! Ever read sherl..oh i mean yea it's Sherlock! Ok let's see! Oh yea! This bag is full of gigantic tighty whities! Hmm! They say Petes name on it! Pete you lost your underwear bag!"

Everyone was there looking at the shit covered bag and gasping. Then the crazy kid noticed his hand in the shit and just gagged really loud and screamed "DOO DOO! Omg you're sick! Help!!"

Holy fuck that was a horribly terrifying day but wow it's actually funny as shit now that I am out of school and away from the constant ridicule I received until 9th grade.

Yea from 8-14 I heard about this.

And in my year book the shit detective wrote "Dude just throw your underwear in the dumpster like a normal person! My finger still stinks!"
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Tom Servo's mechanical heart, Flat Earth TrutherJay Hathaway
1/23/15 4:59pm
I don't recall hearing about this the first time around. I clicked on this story and as it was loading, thought, I wonder like how big of a poop stain was on his shorts? Like was it noticeable? And then this was my face as I scanned the photo from top to bottom:

:)

:|

:\

:O

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GrumpyEagleJay Hathaway
1/23/15 11:10pm
I've always had stomach problems the day of races, which usually start with a marathon poop session on the john before we leave the house. One race left me particularly "nervous" and I ended up with the need to go halfway through. As it was only a 5K, I figured I'd tough it out and make a quick exit to the shrubbery on the side of the trail if I had to. I glanced to the side, and saw one of the leading lights of our city running right next to me. So then making a quick crap dash became less of an option. I managed to tough it out, and luckily there were portajohns right at the end of the route. I actually picked up speed after I crossed the finish line and made it safely, but it did kind of ruin what was otherwise a pretty cool running experience. (My time was really good too).
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:O