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    adultosaur married anna on the astral planeAnna Merlan
    1/20/15 2:45pm

    i am so obsessed with the fact that this is going to be an ongoing thing

    o b s e s s e d

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      Anna Merlanadultosaur married anna on the astral plane
      1/20/15 2:48pm

      We have a lottttttttttt and there is a lot of emphasis on Spanx, I dunno, I feel like I'm missing something vis-a-vis the Spanx

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      adultosaur married anna on the astral planeAnna Merlan
      1/20/15 3:19pm

      i wanna try spanx. but like, as an actual plus sized person with an apple shape they are just gunna roll down. i know it. I KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN ANNA AND IT'S BAD.

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    Kate DriesAnna Merlan
    1/20/15 2:04pm

    • LITERALLY EVERYTHING VASELINE IS THE ULTIMATE PRODUCT TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ITS EXISTENCE

    I, Kate Dries, owner of a monogrammed bedazzled Vaseline pot, support this.

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      AliceInWunderlandKate Dries
      1/20/15 2:20pm

      I, a person who wishes to know where you got this pot, also fully support this! Vaseline is awesome in the winter.

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      Yoga Nerd, Maybe DeadKate Dries
      1/20/15 2:21pm

      I miss the days were you guys did Unsolicited Endorsements, btw

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    Emma GolddiggerAnna Merlan
    1/20/15 2:32pm

    I love these emails! They are like watching animals at a zoo. How the fuck is every member of the sorority expected to own all these highly specific articles of clothing? What if my only pair of nude wedges is ever-so-slightly scuffed?

    Also, can we start a sorority with a second-wave-feminist aesthetic but with the same bitchy attitude? "I swear before God if I catch any of you pathetic twats plucking a single hair off your eyebrows, I will cuntpunt you into next week."

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      dalilaEmma Golddigger
      1/20/15 2:36pm

      I don't know. Honestly, I'd probably benefit from someone telling me what to buy and wear. It would take the panic out of my Monday mornings when I realize I don't own any decent clothes.

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      gothpeanutbutterEmma Golddigger
      1/20/15 2:40pm

      Hah, I would actually join something like that. "You will need to submit to an outfit check before our annual witchcraft hex ceremony and before attendance of all Vagina Monologues performances."

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    AikageAnna Merlan
    1/20/15 2:41pm

    NOT THE POLISH WEEK I WAS LOOKING FOR ANNA!!!!

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      DieselDamselAikage
      1/20/15 2:57pm

      Dziękuję! Now I want pierogi.

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      AikageDieselDamsel
      1/20/15 3:00pm

      Me too.

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    have.at.itAnna Merlan
    1/20/15 2:24pm

    Nah, nah. I spent five years in the military. All the military wants of you is to put on your damn camis, get a haircut or pin your hair back, and take a shower once in a while. No weird piercings, no weird hair colors, and you're generally good to go. Beyond that, they do not care. I could not have lasted five years in the military if it was 1/10 as constricting as this sorority. Good god.

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      Emma Golddiggerhave.at.it
      1/20/15 2:34pm

      My friend joined the Navy and, if memory serves, they had to remove her clit ring with pliers. She was less than thrilled about it.

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      fluffy kittenfaceEmma Golddigger
      1/20/15 2:42pm

      Did they find it during her physical or did someone rat on her? I had to remove sensitive piercings with pliers before and can attest that it hurts like a mother.

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    Kelly FairclothAnna Merlan
    1/20/15 2:21pm

    I thought pearl necklaces were passe???? I'LL NEVER GET INTO A DECENT SORORITY AT THIS RATE AND MY LIFE WILL BE OVER

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      Emma GolddiggerKelly Faircloth
      1/20/15 2:33pm

      Cumming all over someone's tits will never be passe!

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      My dear, sweet brother Numsie!Kelly Faircloth
      1/20/15 2:36pm

      Nope. Pearls are apparently timeless?

      But please, if you are going to purchase a stand of pearls from me- DON'T PUT THEM IN YOUR MOUTH.

      Apparently people think that "testing the nacre" right in front of me is acceptable (nope!) And they often get offended when I ask them to explain exactly what it is they are looking for.

      "Okay, you can't be putting those in your mouth unless you buy them"

      "But I need to make sure they're real"

      "Okay, fair enough. What is it you're looking for as proof? How can you tell?"

      "I don't care for your tone. Wah wah. I want to speak with the owner"

      Ugh.

      Yeah, she doesn't want anyone slobbering all over the merchandise either bro. Good luck with that. I'd hate to go car shopping with these people.

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    LilaFowlerAnna Merlan
    1/20/15 2:32pm

    First of all, how on earth did you get a copy of this? When I sent it out I explicitly wrote PRIVATE DO NOT SHARE (in all caps like that) at the top. I'd like to point our that whoever leaked this removed that, so by law, reprinting this is illegal. I know this because my father is very rich, runs Fowler Enterprises, and knows tons of top lawyers. Expect to hear from ALL OF THEM. I'm going to sue the shit out of you jealous bitches.

    You should consider yourselves lucky to have access to my handbook, aka your new bible. I'm sure even the hot jezebels could use a little polishing. Learn from the master, you cunts.

    Now, I'll have you know that I have been running sororities for a DECADE, that's right, ten years. It all started with the Unicorn Club, which I started in junior high back in Sweet Valley. Have you even heard of a junior high sorority before? Probs not. Let's just say I learned a lot about the importance of grooming and being super selective about members. Some of the girls didn't even shave their legs yet (nasty). I was so excited at the prospect of running the Unicorns that I let a bunch of Josie Grossy's in.

    Then, in high school, I pretty much ran Pi Beta Alpha. Again, have you even heard of a high school sorority before? I think not. SVH was supes progressive like that. Anyways, yes Jess was the official President, but I was the puppetmaster, the queenmaker. I even kicked Jessica out at some point.

    I learned to hold my ground during my time with Pi Beta Alpha. We let in wet blanket Elizabeth, obvs just because she was twins with Jess, and we also let in fugly bitch Enid Rollins. It was during my senior year at Sweet Valley High that I crafted my first draft of the manifesto you have illegally published here.

    Then, at Sweet Valley University, I was in Theta Alpha Theta. We were all so fucking hot, you don't even know. Everyone wanted to be in TAT. Girls wanted to be me, and boys wanted to bang me. And buy me diamonds. The girls I let into this sorority were SO much happier after I impossed these rules upon them. Their hair glistened, their confidence soared, and their skin shone. V.O. hot oil treatments, knowing that having made it into TAT in the first place meant that they were amazing, and a half and half mix of La Mer cream mixed with Coppertone SPF 15 did wonders for them.

    Remember when fugmo Enid changed her image and become hot for a while? If you don't remember, she changed her name to Alexandra, straightened her hair, waxed her bush, and became hot. Well hotter at least— 15 pounds hotter!!. She even mean-girled Elizabeth. That was so awesome. Hahaha it was so fucking funny when I pretended to like her and then fully ignored after. I can't even.

    Anyway bitches, basically what I'm saying is that my rules are fucking genius, and are so genius that this sorority even copied my email and sent it out to it's members.

    Now get off my perfect back, and get me out of these fucking greys, I look better in purple.

    xoxoxox Lila

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      NeoNailsLilaFowler
      1/20/15 2:47pm

      I don't know who you are but I love you.

      GIF
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      Felix's Foster SisterLilaFowler
      1/20/15 3:12pm

      Oh my god, Lila Fowler! (I always liked you better than Jessica)

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    LordRaeAnna Merlan
    1/20/15 2:43pm

    Did you know the inventor of Vaseline prescribed taking a heaping spoonful of it and eating it once a day? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Ch...

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      Anna MerlanLordRae
      1/20/15 2:44pm

      KATE DRIES, NOTED VASELINE FAN, IS THIS A THING THAT YOU DO???

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      Queen of BithyniaLordRae
      1/20/15 3:52pm

      I hate when my esophagus gets dry and flakey.

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    nightvaleAnna Merlan
    1/20/15 2:30pm

    I can understand the hate (no Greek love here) , but I will say that at least they will know how to dress once they hit the corporate world. I know many an HR folk who have had to numerous, uncomfortable conversations with employees on the basics of good grooming and appropriate work place attire (the conversations regarding body odor stemming from complaints are the worst). Yeah, I agree that the doctrine is extreme but I would love to had a master class in Basic Bitch appearance/attire before I headed into the glamorous world of insurance.

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      Emma Golddiggernightvale
      1/20/15 2:39pm

      I actually think there is something cool in theory about long, thorough "How to Look Good and Presentable 101" lists, but if your boss expects you to dab Vaseline into the corner of your eyes before coming to work, S/HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

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      fluffy kittenfacenightvale
      1/20/15 2:47pm

      The dress code for my employer, Gigantic Medical Organization, is about as comprehensive. It gets more specific and stringent, depending on the department.

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    PrincessMonsterTruckAnna Merlan
    1/20/15 2:25pm

    The thing that icks me about Vaseline is that you're rubbing petroleum jelly on your skin; you're literally rubbing an oil derivative on your skin. Also, it supposedly doesn't moisturize your skin. It just gives you a coating to make you think your skin is hydrated when it really is just making you more dry.

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      Yoga Nerd, Maybe DeadPrincessMonsterTruck
      1/20/15 2:32pm

      Not sure where you get your info, but an emollient such as petroleum jelly (and really all effective moisturizers) work by preventing moisture evaporation from the skin. It's the primary ingredient in many of the ointments I recommend for children with eczema for precisely this reason. It definitively does NOT make skin "more dry."

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      Regina Lynx (is getting weary of the greys)PrincessMonsterTruck
      1/20/15 2:33pm

      THIS.

      Also, here's a little limerick I made (stole, copypasted, whatever):

      There once was a couple from Kelly

      They spent their honeymoon belly to belly

      Because of their haste, they used library paste

      In place of petroleum jelly

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