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    elisethestrangeMark Shrayber
    7/11/14 12:49pm

    I definitely once accidentally brought a knife through security at two different airports. But then another time they took my husband's suitcase apart because there were tentpoles in it. Whatever, TSA.

    But it's nothing compared to the Soviet TSA. My family emigrated in the twilight days of the Soviet Union. The things that went down:
    - My dad wanted to bring my family's heirloom silver spoons from the 1920s or whatever. For some reason he thought they just had to be declared at customs; nope, can't bring them. Cannot take precious metals out of the country. My grandma was there so we gave them back to her. FINE WHATEVER.
    - My dad had a coin in a pocket of something that he wasn't aware of. They see the round thing on the x-ray and say "you have a gold watch." My dad says "I've never owned a gold watch in my life." They take apart the suitcase and find the coin. My dad says that's the thing. The border agent says "no, there is a gold watch in here and I will find it." It took forever and a day for him to be satisfied there was no gold watch.
    - I don't remember the details of this passport issue, but I'll go with what I remember. There were "blue passports" and "red passports." You could only go to places like the UK (where were initially flying) on a red passport. When my dad went to pick up his passport at the appropriate agency, I shit you not, they were out of the red passport covers so gave him a blue one and assured him this was no big deal because the innards are different and they even wrote "this is a red passport in it." The agent goes "this is blue, you can't go to the UK on this." My dad explains the cover thing and points to where it's written "this is a red passport." The guy says "but the cover is blue, it's a blue passport." It was like being in Brazil or 1984 or something. We did eventually leave the country, obviously. We even made our flight because my dad had the foresight to allow 8 hours for this bullshit.

    And now I need a Russian passport (red, of course) to go back because Putin doesn't recognize my US citizenship. FML.

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      Mark Shrayberelisethestrange
      7/11/14 2:59pm

      1991?

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      elisethestrangeMark Shrayber
      7/11/14 3:28pm

      Late December 1990.

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    WingardiumFuriosaMark Shrayber
    7/11/14 10:18am

    I always thought someone could rake in the money by opening a service in the airport to let you mail yourself things TSA won't let you check. I know there was at least one time I would have used it (I forgot about a brand new and kind of pricey lipgloss in my purse and they made me throw it away.)

    Has anyone done this yet??

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      BubarubuWingardiumFuriosa
      7/11/14 10:25am

      Yep. I mailed a multitool home one time from KCI. I think it was a $25 flat rate for the very small envelope. My wife mailed her Swiss Army knife home from BWI as well (somehow it went undetected on the way out, not confidence-inspiring).

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      ghostofsiriusblackWingardiumFuriosa
      7/11/14 10:27am

      Why'd you have to throw away lipgloss, out of curiosity? That's gotta be < 3.6 ounces...

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    ....Mark Shrayber
    7/11/14 10:12am

    eww, Mascots

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      BretsHairHelmet....
      7/11/14 10:23am

      Have you guys seen that show on Hulu that profiles people who are mascots? It's really fascinating...They all have a range of issues (says the armchair psychologist).

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      ....BretsHairHelmet
      7/11/14 10:24am

      is the show called : " Rage Against the Sateen " ??????

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    Save.The.SeacowsMark Shrayber
    7/11/14 11:51am

    Coming home from vacation a few years ago (New Hampshire? Rhode Island? The airport was hella tiny), like a dozen TSA agents were all manning the only open security line. The entire line came to a screeching halt when the family in front of had the following items:

    - Two ginormous jugs of maple syrup. For real, I didn't know maple syrup came in multi-gallon containers. And they were both open, not sealed or preserved in any way but open, previously used and sticky. Of course, they were accompanied by a five pound box of pancake mix.

    - Costco sized hot sauce, ketchup, mustard and assorted other condiments including jars of pickles and hot peppers.

    - An entire set of cutlery. Probably enough place settings for ten or twelve people. Also, fucking BREAD KNIVES.

    The TSA just kept pulling these things out of their bags and it became comical. Like wat. CHECK THAT SHIT. Obviously, the matriarch had to throw a ginormous temper tantrum over her civil liberties being violated. Since then, never have I ever been surprised by what people will bring on a damn airplane.

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      irritablevowelSave.The.Seacows
      7/11/14 12:09pm

      So was there a pancake party or what?? You can't leave me hanging like this!

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      Save.The.Seacowsirritablevowel
      7/11/14 1:55pm

      No pancake party but obviously their in-flight picnic was ruined.

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    themeaghanshow: season 3Mark Shrayber
    7/11/14 10:34am

    Mark...if you and your partner are ever in NYC please come to my apt for dinner. You are delightful!

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      HubertPrentissthemeaghanshow: season 3
      7/11/14 11:24am

      But leave your gun-knife at home, mkay?

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    jennywennyatfriendfacereduxMark Shrayber
    7/11/14 10:50am

    HAAAAAAAA, my mom gave those gun-knives to the dudes in our family for Christmas. She must have gotten them in those catalogs old people get, because they're "collectors items" and each gnife has a different old west person on it. When my husband opened the blade on the bullet and I saw that was ALSO a knife, I nearly fell off the couch laughing. And before you ask: yes, my mom always gives the worst gifts.

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      sklayjennywennyatfriendfaceredux
      7/11/14 11:03am

      "Gnife" made me lol.

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      elisethestrangejennywennyatfriendfaceredux
      7/11/14 12:37pm

      I actually need to bookmark this, because I have a friend who'd be all over a thing like that. And he gives me knives as gifts all the time. For my wedding he gave me a big samurai knife thing, and made me and my husband sheathe together in front of everybody for the symbolism. This is one of my best friends.

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    okiedokiethenMark Shrayber
    7/11/14 10:47am

    ... pictures of me arguing with an agent who had just wanded me because my calves were too bulky (sad) ...

    EVERY time I go through the body scanner they pat my stomach afterward. I am a "normally" proportioned person*. Isn't the point of the x-ray machine to prevent pat-downs? Why you gotta make me feel self-conscious about my tummy, TSA?

    *By this I mean my stomach does not unnaturally protrude in a way that would insinuate I am hiding something in my shirt.

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      amitygardensokiedokiethen
      7/11/14 6:46pm

      When I was going through security in Germany, the man who was manning the scanner asked me if I was pregnant. Of course it was difficult to understand his accent, and when he repeated himself, he made a gesture of a large belly. I wanted to die. I'm hoping that it was only because I was walking funny due to my feet being so tired, but I'll never now.

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      FreakyFriendFictionamitygardens
      7/12/14 3:03pm

      Maybe the scanner is harmful if you're pregnant and he asked all the women that? :(

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    goddessoftransitoryMark Shrayber
    7/11/14 1:17pm

    So you're saying that at the airport it's never Spaghetti Time.

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      Owl_is_lostMark Shrayber
      7/11/14 2:17pm

      "Darnsicle"? Gee willikers, Mark.

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