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    Manuel WolffWilliam Warwick
    2/07/14 6:14pm

    I stopped reading at "Yet I know too that Dylan Farrow is telling the truth.", because you don't know. You can't know.

    There are cases of people being rightfully acuused of childmolesting and some of people being wrongfully accused. And you simply can't know what really happened from reading op-ed and articles and such.


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      williamwarwickManuel Wolff
      2/07/14 7:09pm

      Too bad you stopped reading. That I feel I know Dylan was molested is my own experience but the larger piece doesn't hinge on it. I am sure it seems mystical and unreliable from the outside, but I think many of us who survived sexual abuse in childhood have very good intuitions and her letter resonates emotionally very deeply for me. Nothing magic about that, just well-honed intuitions after many years of living in fear and mistrust and trying to read others extremely carefully.

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      John Cookwilliamwarwick
      2/07/14 7:40pm

      Stepping in to confirm that this commenter, williamwarwick, is the author of the piece.

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    WaterWishWilliam Warwick
    2/07/14 4:30pm

    In addition to being insightful, well-reasoned and passionate, this is simply some of the best writing I've seen on Gawker. Thank you so much for being able to share this story, and to do it so eloquently.

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      burningdiscolovemachineWaterWish
      2/07/14 5:08pm

      That was fantastic. A great piece. Thank you for it.

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      LeilaClaireWaterWish
      2/07/14 6:36pm

      Came here to say this. Really incredible. I read every single word.

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    SoMuchScreamingInMyHeadWilliam Warwick
    2/07/14 4:36pm

    Thank you. I'm an adult but as a child my brother abused me. I told my parents when I first went to therapy in my 20s. No one believed me. I'm crazy. I'm a liar. My brother is funny and fun and smart and witty and by all appearances an amazing father to his own daughter. BUT IT STILL HAPPENED

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      GregorMendelSoMuchScreamingInMyHead
      2/07/14 4:44pm

      I understand completely. We're really not alone, though. Not at all.

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      cacamareSoMuchScreamingInMyHead
      2/07/14 4:53pm

      abused as in sexually or physically.. My elder brother used to beat me up,but it was part of growing up..

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    MissSissyBoodlesWilliam Warwick
    2/07/14 4:44pm

    Sorry, but what people do affects how I see them and their works. At one time I was becoming quite a fan of Nietzsche until I found out he was a vehement defender of child labor. I dropped him like a hot potato. And you know what? It didn't affect him at all. His legacy hasn't withered from the face of the earth in the face of my scorn. So what's the harm?

    I can hate Woody Allen, just as I can hate Larry Rivers, who forced his daughters to participate in sexual "art films" when they were growing up, and Roman Polanski, and Augustus John, who raped Dylan Thomas' wife Caitlin as a young girl, and Balthus and Lewis Carroll and J. M. Barrie and Rainer Werner Fassbinder and Bertolt Brecht and Charlie Chaplin. They were/are creeps and I have a right to put their crimes against humanity first and foremost in my thoughts. Just because they made art doesn't mean I have to genuflect to it. To hell with them and their art. I leave it to people with harder hearts and stronger stomachs than me.

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      benjaminalloverMissSissyBoodles
      2/07/14 5:02pm

      1) Agree 100%

      2)Charlie Chaplin? Shit, I didn't know about that. Please don't tell me anything terrible about Buster Keaton.

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      burningdiscolovemachineMissSissyBoodles
      2/07/14 5:23pm

      1) Who's saying you don't have a right to feel or think that way?

      2) Aren't you straw-manning WW when you say "genuflect" before the artist? He's not saying anything like that, nor dictating how you should act/feel about awful people and their art.

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    김치전!William Warwick
    2/07/14 4:24pm

    Thank you for telling your story, and thank you for presenting it in a way that we can understand.

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      TroubleDangerWilliam Warwick
      2/07/14 4:49pm

      This is an important post, thank you. I grew up in a very religious household. My brother molested me for years, I didn't fully understand what he was doing and it wasn't until in my early 20's I realized he wasn't "peeing" when he finished.

      The hardest thing about sexual abuse and incest is that victims (or maybe I should just speak for myself), we don't want to live a lie. It took me years to break away from the pressure of keeping secrets and making sure no one found out so my family was still respected in the community.

      Our choices are either to keep quiet or tell someone, knowing that when we tell, we will be looked at as dirty. Our motives will be questioned. When my mother walked in on me and my brother, she told him to go outside and then proceeded to yell at me, asking why I had done that. I didn't know how to explain it had been happening as long as I could remember. Then she told me to keep it a secret. My father was a minister. I didn't know what sex was. I don't think my parents told any of us what sex was.

      That's the first choice -to tell or not to tell, knowing that there's a possibility the people you love and trust may not believe you. Worse, they may think you are at fault.

      The next choice (if it's incest/in a family) is whether or not to address it. Again, speaking from the abusee standpoint. The relief you get momentarily from knowing the secret is out and your parents or adults will know what to do, in my case, quickly fades when you realize your family would rather ignore it.

      I love my family. I tolerate my older brother. I don't see him much. In the end, I had to accept that my parents did the best they could at the time, and let go of that anger. For a while I wanted to address it, talk about it, wonder why they didn't get either of us help. But my parents made it clear they weren't apologizing, and we weren't talking about it.

      Now I'm 31, and closer with my family. I help out my parents and siblings financially, I have a fun time seeing my nieces and nephews at weddings and holidays, and my mom texted me "I love you" for the first time a few months ago.

      That's the choice I make. That's probably the choice a lot of abusee's make. Forgive and love means you get your family. You get invited to holidays. You let your parents off easy by not asking "would you have done it differently now?" because you know doing that would break your parent's heart.

      For victims of abusive incest, there are so many upsides to not coming out. I don't need to worry about how my coworkers, friends or extended family think of me. I don't need to slog back through sibling memories to patiently explain that something like that could happen without them knowing. I don't have to see the judgement in friends or boyfriends or husbands faces when they find out, and no one has the opportunity to turn my confession of abuse into a weapon, to tell the marriage counselor nothing I say is real because I was abused and I can't handle things well.

      But rock on, Dylan. It sounds like she has supportive family and friends, and it's important for her to speak her piece. Maybe, someday when I see more upsides in my own situation, I'll join you.

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        benjaminalloverTroubleDanger
        2/07/14 5:09pm

        Thanks for describing the other side of the coin.

        I'm sorry that happened to you, you seem remarkably clear about it.

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        TroubleDangerbenjaminallover
        2/07/14 7:12pm

        I appreciate the comments. This is the first time I've posted so I was trying to respond to all but this is the only person it allows me to reply to.

        I know the background in my life sounds sad and crappy, and it was. The upside is that through a lot of hard work I'm truly content 100 percent of the time and actually happy about 80 percent of the time. This past couple of years is the first time in my life I can say that.

        But that's kind of the point, I think, of the author's post. When we break people into groups and assume the person perpetuating the abuse is evil, or that their actions are incomprehensible and thus we can't relate, we're unknowingly choosing teams and giving people labels. Victims vs perps. And then if we found out the victim has done things we think aren't right, or the perpetrator does something noble or beautiful, that messes with the basic plot. We don't know how to deal with it, so we push it aside or make generalizations or scour the 'evidence' for 'proof.'

        I don't have a shattered life. It took a lot of work to get to that point, but my life is amazing. Yes, my parents didn't protect me (or my older brother). Yes, my parents made it clear that I could hope on board the WASP-y, never-bring-it up train or I wouldn't be included in major family functions. But that doesn't have anything to do with who I am. My parents reacted that way because that, at that time, was the best they could do.

        I don't understand why my parents reacted that way. I could not imagine having children and doing the same thing to them. It's incomprehensible to me. I don't understand why my brother did what he did.

        But, like the author said, they aren't evil. They are people. They messed up big time. But they are people that I love.

        I think that's the point of the article. If someone is evil, they must be vanquished. Because they are evil. If someone is a person who did a disgusting or horrible thing, they are still a person and can change. And (hopefully) come to understand the hurt they caused. In labeling the situation as true vs false, evil person vs victim, right vs wrong, we've taken away the opportunity to have an abusee share their experience and feelings, because we're afraid of all the backlash. And the abuser doesn't get to share his thought process and experiences either, the backlash for someone doing that would be just as bad or worse.

        I've been following this all over the internets. I've wanted to offer my opinion but a lot the posts/comments seem like that recent Law and Order where Olivia Benson is tried by the man who kidnapped her, and even though she's not on trial the jury tells the judge they want to admonish her for her behavior.

        That's often how it feels when a victim speaks up. Sure, we're not technically on trial. But it can feel like it. Or we get so much pity, sometimes friends or significant others have a hard time seeing past our history of abuse and don't know how to treat us 'like normal. '

        TLDR: (I used that in the office this week and was told it's only something written, not said in conversation)

        All people are capable of a variety of things, good and bad.

        Villifying someone or taking sides makes it hard to hear and understand the intricacies of the situation.

        We should try to sit back, listen, and have empathy.

        It seems like the court room scenes in Law and Order are getting hilariously unrealistic.

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      Island of Misfit ToysWilliam Warwick
      2/07/14 4:54pm

      This situation is so confusing. I have no doubt that Dylan Farrow has suffered enormous pain over the years. I just don't know who caused the pain.

      The lessons of the 1990's child-care trials have taught us that young children are impressionable and can be manipulated.

      And I don't know any of the evidence of this case, but the police do; and they never arrested Woody Allen. And isn't our justice system based on 'innocent until proven guilty'? I was so sure Richard Jewell was guilty....until he wasn't. : (

      So.....I just don't know what to think. I just hope Dylan finds some peace in her mind and in her soul.

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        GoOnWithoutMeIsland of Misfit Toys
        2/07/14 5:13pm

        Editing to clarify tone. Not intended to sound snarky, condescending or anything, just offering to you my interpretation based on these things. Not sure how much you will go for the combination of education, professional experience, awareness of patterns, and intuition, but that's where I'm coming from, and for me all roads lead to him having done it, and probably still offending. I would say it if he were a teacher, a Priest, a Boy Scout Leader, or any schlub hanging out at the booster club meeting.

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        DoloresDel MachioGoOnWithoutMe
        2/07/14 5:29pm

        I'm curious how is adopted daughters with his adopted daughter-wife are doing? he has the M.O. of a very smooth grooming pedo.

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      stewstewstewWilliam Warwick
      2/07/14 4:38pm

      y'know, another article today sagely said that we view this story with whatever lens we bring to it. Those who have been exposed to abuse see abuse and it triggers their justifiable outrage. Those like me who have seen implanted memories and ugly divorces, children with attachment issues who fail to individuate fully, see a huge mistake being made.

      I understand that Dylan is speaking her truth but I a m unconvinced that her truth is THE truth. I see clearly a woman who believes what she thought. Which isn't, unfortunately, always the truth. Jean Piaget told of remembering being kidnapped when young, could recount the incident in detail. It turns out, however, that he was not kidnapped, his nanny told his parents he was so she could get praise for rescuing him. Yet he remembers it. The authenticity of Dylan's pain is not proof. It's a scar and she is scarred. And that belongs to her.

      Yet I fully believe him to be innocent — dude passed a polygraph, among other things — and mourn seriously that this kid's never gonna get help, never going to fully individuate, going to get a shit ton of attention for being a victim, and will associate praise with victimhood forever. Which really destroys her life.

      So this story of abuse destroys her life and I, personally, fully believe that the responsibility for her entirely valid feelings of exploitation lies with Mia Farrow. I just can't tell you how many scorned mamas I have seen play the 'daddy diddled the kid' card and this has that written all over it. Sorry, but that's my lens, and pretending this is about the privilege of fame and limos and blah blah just unmasks our class issues. "We don't know — but I believe her" is your point of view. "We don't know — but I think her mom threw her under the bus" is mine. Whichever, she's a victim. The latter DOES happen, you know. It really does.

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        BlackIvyGstewstewstew
        2/07/14 4:47pm

        I just can't tell you how many scorned mamas I have seen play the 'daddy diddled the kid' card

        Are you a divorce attorney or something? How many times have you seen people play this "card?" And how did you deduce, at those times, that it was false? How could you have unless you were the "daddy" in question, or unless the wife/child later recanted.

        Also, note that there is a reason that polygraphs are not accepted in court.

        Polygraphy has little evidence to support its use.[9][10][11] Despite claims of 90% validity by polygraph advocates,[12] the National Research Council has found no evidence of effectiveness.[10] The utility among sex offenders is also poor[13] with insufficient evidence to support accuracy or improved outcomes in this population.[14]

        The following is a little xenophobically worded, but the point is that there is a cultural component:

        Law enforcement agencies and intelligence agencies in the United States are by far the biggest users of polygraph technology. In the United States alone most federal law enforcement agencies either employ their own polygraph examiners or use the services of examiners employed in other agencies.[33] In 1978 Richard Helms, the 8th Director of Central Intelligence, stated that:

        "We discovered there were some Eastern Europeans who could defeat the polygraph at any time. Americans are not very good at it, because we are raised to tell the truth and when we lie it is easy to tell we are lying. But we find a lot of Europeans and Asiatics [who] can handle that polygraph without a blip, and you know they are lying and you have evidence that they are lying."[34]

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        floribundasstewstewstew
        2/07/14 4:53pm

        Not necessarily. I've actually been falsely acused of abuse by a troubled relative (fortunately, no one believed it.) and it's a horrific feeling to be unjustly accused.

        That said, I'm inclined to believe Dylan Farrow. Mostly because of Woody Allen's behavior and comments. It's the compartmentalization, the rationalization, the inability to acknowledge he harmed the Farrow family with the Soon-Yi affair and, of course, the Soon-Yi affair itself. He doesn't show any sense of appropriate boundaries nor empathy.

        Or, I suppose, having been accused, maybe I'm just very aware of why people knew I would never molest a child. With Allen, his "innocence" seems to rely on painting Mia Farrow as an evil, manipulative witch. Because, frankly, his character isn't much of a defense.

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      boniva4lyfeWilliam Warwick
      2/07/14 4:38pm

      You're absolutely right - it is so much easier to deal with "pure evil" than people with some good and some bad. If abusers are pure evil, they're like super villains, easily and rightfully vanquished. Very few people are super villains, though. Child abuse survivors (whether sexual, or otherwise) grow up with love and evil so mixed up that even the most banal situations can be confusing and upsetting. I spent the majority of my childhood hating my father with every fiber of my being and loving my mother like she was a god. I've since seen them both for what they are - people who both loved me and did horrendous things. It's more difficult emotionally, but reality is much healthier than a fantasy of pure good and pure evil.

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        Blatheringboniva4lyfe
        2/07/14 4:50pm

        You stated a sad thought I wanted to make in a very good way.

        Part of dealing with the ways my parents messed me up has been learning to separate out their mistakes, their "evils" and the good things they did for me. In understanding how not to become them, I've had to spend a lot of time thinking about who they are. It's helped me learn to understand them and build a better, if guarded, relationship. Some people are surprised I try at all—they'd have packed up a while ago, and I can't blame anyone for how they'd react, but...they are my family and that's important to me.

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      MataroWilliam Warwick
      2/07/14 4:49pm

      Loskarn's letter is a painful account of life within the hermetically sealed world of a child sexual abuse survivor, as well as a shocking illustration of how most pedophiles reproduce in our culture. In his alienation, Loskarn discovered images that externalized the very memories that he had worked for decades to push out of his consciousness. And then he got hooked, as if the images were some sort of talisman of his fractured self made whole again.

      Really! Where's the scientific evidence to back any of these claims up? Also, could it not be equally possible that Loskarn was never molested (but recurred, in his shamed desperation, to the old trope of victimizing victimhood), and had more in common with Ariel Castro (depressed, product of emotional non-sexual dysfunctions and personality disorders) than with Dylan Farrow?

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        BekabyMataro
        2/07/14 4:52pm

        I understand that the idea that all crimes leave behind a robust trail of scientific evidence to prove their occurrence is comforting in a scary, often painful world. It's not true though.

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        MataroBekaby
        2/07/14 4:58pm

        No, I meant scientific studies, not forensic evidence.

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