Discussion
  • Read More
    logeDodai Stewart
    12/05/13 5:07pm

    Seeing the word "folds" to describe labia just did it for me. Amazing.

    I'm pretty sure women are capable of writing awful sex scenes too though. No need to make it all about how men are so dumb, seems like an easy target on a site like this. Twilight, anyone? Even Fifty Shades of Grey is pretty hilariously awful.

    Reply
    <
    • Read More
      Snarkychuloge
      12/05/13 5:10pm

      I'd rather read folds than the whole shabang described as "down there".

      :|

      Reply
      <
    • Read More
      logeSnarkychu
      12/05/13 5:11pm

      LOL down there is pretty awful too. Also "her sex". Like you can't even say vagina, so you just add the next sexual word you can think of.

      Reply
      <
  • Read More
    wrenochkaDodai Stewart
    12/05/13 5:31pm

    Sorry, Dodai, but you've really left out the worst part of the Jonathan Grimwood brie sex scene - here it is in full, as nominated:

    Reaching behind me, I found the Brie and broke off a fragment, sucking her nipple through it. She tasted almost as she had the day I took the drop of milk on my finger.

    Manon smiled when she realised what I was doing.

    You know the peasant saying? If you can't imagine how neighbouring vineyards can produce such different wines put one finger in your woman's quim and another up her arse, then taste both and stop asking stupid questions… My fingers found both vineyards. At the front, she tasted salt as anchovy and as delicious. At the rear, bitter like chocolate and smelling strangely of tobacco.

    Reply
    <
    • Read More
      Dodai Stewartwrenochka
      12/05/13 5:38pm

      Thank you, I think.

      Reply
      <
    • Read More
      lunchcomawrenochka
      12/05/13 5:39pm

      I'm going to think of that when I'm eating dinner, I just know it.

      Reply
      <
  • Read More
    SnarkychuDodai Stewart
    12/05/13 5:08pm

    I found the Brie and broke off a fragment, sucking her nipple through it.

    What the fuck? He sucked her nipple through cheese? WHAT? Also, is cheeze whiz an acceptable substitute?

    Reply
    <
    • Read More
      lovelylipstickSnarkychu
      12/05/13 5:15pm

      I seriously don't understand either.

      Reply
      <
    • Read More
      lilmissstilettosandgritsSnarkychu
      12/05/13 5:24pm

      Cheese Wiz is always an acceptable substitute.

      Reply
      <
  • Read More
    Rebecca "Burt" RoseDodai Stewart
    12/05/13 5:08pm

    Oh but surely this can't be the worst literary depiction of sex we've had this year you guise.

    Dinosaur Erotica Exists and It's Just as Amazing as You'd Imagine Dinosaur Erotica Exists and It's Just as Amazing as You'd Imagine Dinosaur Erotica Exists and It's Just as Amazing…

    I found something to haunt your dreams and fuel your nightmares: DINOSAUR EROTICA. Read more Read more

    Reply
    <
    • Read More
      OnelittledetailRebecca "Burt" Rose
      12/05/13 5:14pm

      Because nothing is worse than T-Rex sex. Nothing.

      Reply
      <
    • Read More
      yvanehtniojRebecca "Burt" Rose
      12/05/13 5:19pm

      I don't know, they get credit from me for even seeing that there was a market for that. It's like the old Seinfeld bit about the first person to see a horse and think, "That could be glue!"

      Reply
      <
  • Read More
    BecauseoftheImplicationDodai Stewart
    12/05/13 5:05pm

    See, this is always the problem I am going to have with the "sexy" idea of incorporating food into sex. That just sounds...kind of sticky. Brie is definitely too much, but even the traditional standbys, like chocolate or whipped cream. I feel like he'd drizzle it over me, lick it tantalizingly, and then try to move elsewhere - but I'd make him stay there, just licking and licking and maybe getting a wet cloth until I felt like the area was clean and devoid of sticky food. Gross. Cheese nipples.

    Reply
    <
    • Read More
      yvanehtniojBecauseoftheImplication
      12/05/13 5:17pm

      That and I like sex tastes. It's a different appetite and I have my mouth set for that flavor when I wanna throw down. Now, if he wants to grab some brie and bring it back to bed on his post-coital water-refill run, that'd be A-OK by me.

      Reply
      <
    • Read More
      lunchcomaBecauseoftheImplication
      12/05/13 5:21pm

      Having been falsely lured into combining food and sex by promises that it would be ultra-sexy, your impulses are correct. It's amusing for about 10 seconds, and after that, it's just sticky. And if I'm going to be sticky during sex, I want it to involve body fluids, not sugar.

      Oh, and there's another thing they don't tell you about foody sex: it attracts the housepets.

      Reply
      <
  • Read More
    VGIRollerDodai Stewart
    12/05/13 5:06pm

    ew. This is grossing me out. "hairs along the shaft of his male rod." ugh.

    Reply
    <
    • Read More
      SnarkychuVGIRoller
      12/05/13 5:10pm

      Stray hairs, mmm.

      Reply
      <
    • Read More
      yvanehtniojVGIRoller
      12/05/13 5:15pm

      Woody needs to get to the doctor if he thinks it's normal to have pimples on his woody.

      Reply
      <
  • Read More
    FIGJAMDodai Stewart
    12/05/13 5:07pm

    "...the bumps, the ridges, the pimples, the few stray hairs along the shaft of his male rod."

    I've got bumps and ridges but I'm not sure you're supposed to have pimples on "the shaft". And I even though I've only recently started to maintain my man garden, I don't ever remember having hair ON my "male rod".

    Reply
    <
    • Read More
      RegularParrotFIGJAM
      12/05/13 5:10pm

      STOP TRYING TO MAKE "MALE ROD" HAPPEN! IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

      Reply
      <
    • Read More
      OenononoFIGJAM
      12/05/13 5:12pm

      ...it happens.

      Reply
      <
  • Read More
    weaselinaDodai Stewart
    12/05/13 5:49pm

    So magnified, sharp, distinct, crisp and so keen were her feelings that her inner, outer, middle, sideways and peripheral nerves could even feel the bumps, the ridges, the pimples, the enormous genital warts, leftover dried sponge, and the few stray hairs along the shaft of his male rod, masculine pole, stick of manliness, bone of studliness, and truncheon of virility as it waved sadly over his deflated, scabrous, ball sack.

    There! MUCH BETTER!

    Reply
    <
    • Read More
      weaselinaweaselina
      12/05/13 6:55pm

      Supposed to be 'left over dried SPOOGE', but sponge is also funny and kinda gross. Thanks, autocorrect!

      Reply
      <
    • Read More
      atlanticoceanidweaselina
      12/06/13 9:33am

      Haha, I thought you were implying that she wasn't using her birth control method properly. You're supposed to dampen the sponge before insertion. Maybe she forgot about it from the last time they made whoopie? ;)

      Reply
      <
  • Read More
    catsinthegrassDodai Stewart
    12/05/13 5:50pm

    one eighties romance novel my twin bought from a goodwill included the guy saying,"ulp. it's in there."

    GIF
    Reply
    <
    • Read More
      AgranddayoutDodai Stewart
      12/05/13 5:24pm

      Sorry, nothing is worse than "Shitty Fifty Shades of Grey": and I quote DS from LA: characters roll their eyes 41 times, Ana bites her lip 35 times, Christian's lips "quirk up" 16 times, Christian "cocks his head to one side" 17 times, characters "purse" their lips 15 times, and characters raise their eyebrows a whopping 50 times. Add to that 80 references to Ana's anthropomorphic "subconscious" (which also rolls its eyes and purses its lips, by the way), 58 references to Ana's "inner goddess," and 92 repetitions of Ana saying some form of "oh crap" (which, depending on the severity of the circumstances, can be intensified to "holy crap," "double crap," or the ultimate "triple crap"). And this is only part one of a trilogy...

      Reply
      <
      • Read More
        Dodai StewartAgranddayout
        12/05/13 5:41pm

        It was not published this year, though.

        Reply
        <